Caught him sexting

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
Caught him sexting
14
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 9:10pm

I am really at a loss right now and could use some advice.  About 2 months ago I caught my boyfriend texting his friend's sister very inappropriately.  There was a lot of him telling her what he would do to her, she sent him a picture of her chest,her asking why they never got together over the years, etc.etc.  At one point in the conversation she asked him "what about your girlfriend?"  To which he replied "she works a lot and is tired."  That is completely false, we have always had a fantastic and frequent sex life.  Also, in the conversation he asked her to let him come over and she could climb into his car and on top of his ____.  She blew it off.  Later in the conversation he asked her to meet up with him tomorrow, get drunk and ____ all day long."  She played a fine line in encouraging him while at the same time avoiding committing to meeting up with him.

I confronted him with it and there was a huge blow out.  I called him a lot of names.  I told him I couldn't believe he would sit there and be a part of me and my son's life and do something like this when he knows how much we both adore him.  We fought all day long, and eventually ended up in bed.  Afterwards I went right back to being mad at him.  At this point he completely turned it around on me, screaming at me, and said that if we are going to fix this and move on that I can't constantly be bringing it up.  He never really gave me a solid answer as to why he did it, his only explanation was that he was bored and wanted to "get off."  I asked him several times, "what would you have done if she would have said yes to meeting up with you?"  He says that is an unfair question because he can't tell me what would happen in a situation that did not happen.  

I feel like I never got the period of me being pissed and him putting up with it because he immediately swept it under the rug.  Since then, our relationship sucks.  We fight constantly, almost everyday about everything.  I'm a complete witch to him about the stupidest silliest things.  I always trusted him unconditionally before this, now I have anxiety if he isn't home or at work.  I am still so hurt and so so angry.  I know he loves me......his actions show me everyday.  He says that he would never do anything like that again because he has seen how much it hurt me.  He says he was an idiot..  

I just can't get over it.  We fight so much, and I think I'm losing my love for him.  I just want to find peace.  My biggest question, am I a fool for letting him talk his way out of it?

Pages

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 9:12am

janitorhottie wrote:
At this point he completely turned it around on me, screaming at me, and said that if we are going to fix this and move on that I can't constantly be bringing it up.

Well, he can't expect you to instantly be over this but he is right that at some point, you either need to put this behind you or end the relationship. If you can't put it behind you, you need to stop hanging onto an unhealthy relationship that has no hope of recovering the trust you once had. But again, he can not expect that rebuilding of trust to happen overnight - HE needs to make an effort for that to happen too. He seems to think that an "I'm sorry I hurt you, I was an idiot" is enough to make this go away but it's not. 

You need to have an honest discussion about this without arguing. If you don't think you can do that, consider couples counseling. But at some point, you need to decide whether you on are the path to rebuilding this relationship or whether you're just going in circles.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 11:23am

I don't want to call you a fool, but you are right, you should not let him off so easy. He has taken the classic method of avoidance as much as possible and turning it around on you as much as possible. The goal being to make you drop the issue as soon as possible so he doesn't really have to explain himself fully. You obviously need much more disclosure and discussion about this because it is eating you alive. That leaves you with the choice forcing him to talk to you to your satisfaction. If he won't do that, then you either sweep it back under the rug, or break up with him.In my opinion , looking from the outside at the limited info you gave us, his very graphic questions to her seem sincere, as in I think he really did intend to carry through with things if she would have agreed to it.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 12:15pm

janitorhottie wrote:
<p>I am really at a loss right now and could use some advice.  About 2 months ago I caught my boyfriend texting his friend's sister very inappropriately.  There was a lot of him telling her what he would do to her, she sent him a picture of her chest,her asking why they never got together over the years, etc.etc.  At one point in the conversation she asked him "what about your girlfriend?"  To which he replied "she works a lot and is tired."  That is completely false, we have always had a fantastic and frequent sex life.  Also, in the conversation he asked her to let him come over and she could climb into his car and on top of his ____.  She blew it off.  Later in the conversation he asked her to meet up with him tomorrow, get drunk and ____ all day long."  She played a fine line in encouraging him while at the same time avoiding committing to meeting up with him.</p><p>I confronted him with it and there was a huge blow out.  I called him a lot of names.  I told him I couldn't believe he would sit there and be a part of me and my son's life and do something like this when he knows how much we both adore him.  We fought all day long, and eventually ended up in bed.  Afterwards I went right back to being mad at him.  At this point he completely turned it around on me, screaming at me, and said that if we are going to fix this and move on that I can't constantly be bringing it up.  He never really gave me a solid answer as to why he did it, his only explanation was that he was bored and wanted to "get off."  I asked him several times, "what would you have done if she would have said yes to meeting up with you?"  He says that is an unfair question because he can't tell me what would happen in a situation that did not happen.  </p><p>I feel like I never got the period of me being pissed and him putting up with it because he immediately swept it under the rug.  Since then, our relationship sucks.  We fight constantly, almost everyday about everything.  I'm a complete witch to him about the stupidest silliest things.  I always trusted him unconditionally before this, now I have anxiety if he isn't home or at work.  I am still so hurt and so so angry.  I know he loves me......his actions show me everyday.  He says that he would never do anything like that again because he has seen how much it hurt me.  He says he was an idiot..  </p><p>I just can't get over it.  We fight so much, and I think I'm losing my love for him.  I just want to find peace.  My biggest question, am I a fool for letting him talk his way out of it?</p>

You want to know why you can't "just get over it"?  Because deep down inside, you know that this is going to happen again and you're being pissed in advance of that and of being right, but ignoring your intuition, which should be telling you that there isn't enough "love" in the world that a healthy self esteem would tolerate by having a person like this all up in your son's life who esteems you the way this man does.

And also, do you really like the person you have to become in order to have this guy in your life? Take a good, long look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you like who you are right now?  Do you really like being "a complete witch"?  Do you really like putting that on display to your son?

The way you're going to find peace is to end the relationship. Period.

You have no control over what he talks himself out of: that's on him. What you do have control over is the proximity to which you allow yourself and your son to be with regards to him.

You aren't his mother, he's not your son, so you "letting" him do whatever is non sequitur. A grown man is going to do what a grown man ok's in his mind to do and it doesn't matter how you feel about it. Would it be nice if he didn't? Yeah, but that's not "what is" in your relationship. That's "what I wish would be", and you can't build anything on wishes.  You build on the reality that's falling out in experience right in front of you. 

A grown man who already made up his mind long ago that engaging any other woman but you in that kind of rhetoric is wrong is the type of man you need ot be with, not this guy.   I agree with Khatru that the type of questions he was asking her belies the fact that he would have followed through... all he was waiting on was her OK.  Were he more convincing in his tale of you "slacking off", I believe it would have been a done deal by now.  The fact that he's been busted changes nothing, IMO, except that he will learn to hide his tracks better next time.  He is already of the mind to step out on you.  Him trying to placate you in the interrim should never be misinterpreted as him seeing the errors of his ways.

It all depends upon how much more of this combat you feel like engaging in with this guy... and how much more of this you want to subject your son to... because your fighting with this guy IS affecting him. And don't think that you are keeping it from him---children aren't stupid.  He knows and he hears and he sees and he feels... and he deserves better from you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 1:34pm

Wow what a blow to you and your son.

I agree with the other comment that he probably would have gone thru with it if she met up with him.

Can you get over it? Can the trust be rebuilt? You say you know he loves you in the way he acts and treats you. If this is true, then how could he have done this to you? Do you want this kind of person around influencing your young son?

Him sweeping it under the rug doesn't make it gone, it just lets your anger fester. If you two can't work thru this, how can the relationship work out?

You don't trust him anymore, are anxious and angry. You need to find a way to deal with these feelings, either by a separation or seeking outside counseling to help you deal with all this - or both.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 3:33pm

Hottie, you discovered his misbehavior by doing something you apparently don't usually do: going through his phone.  He has proven himself to be untrustworthy.  What makes you think this is the only time he has done this?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 5:16pm

  Either get over it or leave.  Putting yourself and him through the I want to be mad is not working.  He will do what pleases him anyway.  This woman was playing him and his fantasy.  He enjoyed it.  But he is strong enough not to buy into the game you seem to want.  Make a choice. It is that simple.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 5:16pm

So he's playing "see what you  made me do".  Classic tactic.  If there are/were problems already inside the relationship then the appropriate thing WAS to discuss it and get some help to fix things.  Instead.....he went outside your relationship to try to fix what's bothering him.  There's a child within this relationship, and that child counts.  Of course you are angry, there's no way you wouldn't be!  Him saying he expects you to just let it go, good for him, sucky for your relationship.  THIS HAS TO BE ADDRESSED.  He needs help setting boundaries, whether or not you opt to stay together.  But he didn't expect to get caught sexting and at the moment you have no expectation he won't just do it again.  Not dealing with it is condoning it and at the moment you would have to be wondering just how far this actually went.  He was with you, he had no right to do this.  Until he realizes this and volunteers to get help to fix it, you'll just continue on with no trust between you.  He caused this, he needs to handle it now.  He's not 16 and some horny teenager, he's a grown-up and he can indeed change this behavior.  IF he wants to.  And IF you want to work things out.  See why it needs counseling? 

 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 01-19-2013 - 10:53am

*IS* he interested in seeking therapy?  IS he interested in addressing why he went behind your back in the first place? Because if he isn't, no amount of couple's therapy is going to fix squat.  You may need to see a therapist to determine why it's so important for you to have this particular man in your life as opposed to being by yourself until the right man comes into your life.  Yes, that one is much, much harder and requires far more discipline than going with the mindset of "at least I got a man..", miserable as he makes you and by extension, your son.

If he's not making the appointment for the counselling and has gone to a number of them, especially after what's gone down, then you need to just accept that he's not interested in fixing anything and that this relationship is over except for the breaking up part. You cannot make him want what you want and it's clear through his behavior that he no longer wants what you want.  Sex is not a bandaid that can fix this kind of a gaping wound, so don't be fooled into thinking he can be sexed into a frame of thinking he has shown no interest in having in the first place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
Sat, 01-19-2013 - 4:26pm

Thank you everyone for your input, it really helps to have some input from someone outside of the situation.  The fact that I sit here crying and anxious after all this time points me to the conclusion that I don't know if I can ever really get over it.  He has put so much effort into our relationship since then, that I convinced myself it was an isolated incident.  Whether it was or not, I don't know.  But at this point I wonder if it even really matters or makes a difference.  I am so careful who I bring around my son, I despise those people that bring every person that they date around their kids and it took a lot for me to let him be a part of my son's life.  If I admit that this relationship is over, than I have to admit that I was wrong for bringing this person into my son's life.  That makes me question myself so much and doubt everything I'll do from here on out.  Because I never expected or thought anything like this would happen. 

Obviously he made a huge mistake that I can either choose to forget or not.  I know he is sorry, but being sorry that you were caught doesn't make it go away.  When I say he shows he loves me, its in everything he does.  He drives straight home every night after work, he never goes out, he contributes every dime he makes to our household.  If it weren't for him my son would not have had a christmas.  He didn't even buy his family presents so that we would have extra money to buy my son toys. He gets up and drives my son to school on days when I just got off a 12 hour shift.  If I'm working late he comes up to my work to see me on his way home. He helps my son with his homework and is genuinely concerned about his schoolwork.  He tells me everyday how much he loves me.  There isn't a moment of any day that I don't know exactly where he is, not because I ask, but because he makes it that way.  When I've worked a lot and am completely wiped he plays with my son and keeps him engaged so I can rest. He was always wonderful before, but he's done a 180 into a realm that I didn't even know was missing.  He's a good person in other ways too.  He's given a homeless person walking in the snow the jacket off his back.  He cleans the snow off strangers' cars while he waits for his car to warm up.  He's the first person to volunteer if someone needs help moving or painting or working on their house.

He made a mistake and I don't want to rake him over the coals forever.  I have to decide if I am capable of getting past this.  I think the chances of it would have been better if he would have discussed it more and like one person said, given me more disclosure.  Obviously I am very confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-21-2013 - 11:14am

Right now he seems like he wants to make up for this incident and is otherwise a good guy.  It could possibly be that this was a one time incident and he's truly sorry about it, but in order for the relationship to work, you do have to forgive him and put it in the past.  I would suggest counseling--tell him that it's really important to you that he should go--it's not going to be forever, but you really need it to move past this.  If he won't go, I'd suggest that you go by yourself and discuss it with the counselor before deciding to break up with him.  I do think he should have let you talk about it and he should have explained it himself more.  Just saying that he was sorry is really not enough--if he has no insight into why he did this, it's possible that he could do it again, but then again, he might not.

When I was married, I found out that my exH cheated on me--we were having problems and I asked him.  I wasn't snooping around because in those days they didn't have cell phones or email so I never would have found out if he hadn't admitted it.  I was pretty devastated but he said that he broke it off himself after a short time because he felt so guilty about it and I believed him because it was not like his character to do that.  Well it's not like everything was fixed right away--he still wanted to get divorced at that time, but after a while we decided to try to stay together.  It turns out that things didn't work out and we got divorced about 5 yrs later, but I do believe that he never cheated on me again.  I had to choose to believe that or there would have been no point in trying to work things out.  I never really wanted to get divorced.  So I think you have to ask yourself whether you can believe this was a one time thing and if you want to try to rebuild trust.  If you can't put it behind you, I agree w/ the others that the relationship is doomed anyway--if you keep yelling at him and being horrible while he's trying to be nice, he'll just eventually break up with you or he'll do that thing of "well she thinks I'm a cheater anyway so why don't I just do it?"  I also think he has to realize that it might take more than 2 months for you to regain trust in him--so I would recommend talking about it.  Tell him that you want to believe that he would never do this again, but it was so shocking for you to find out because you never would have believed it before--so it's great that he's being nice and being helpful, but you need some help in understanding what got into him--I mean it's not even like it was a stranger that he encountered on line, this is a person that he actually knows so it would have been quite possible for them to get together--that probably makes it even more shocking and hurtful.  Tell him that you appreciate his efforts to prove to you that he's not cheating and that you really want to forget about it but it's harder than you thought it would be.

Pages