Caught my fiance cheating

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Caught my fiance cheating
8
Mon, 07-25-2011 - 1:38pm

A few weeks ago my 8 year old told me that her dad has a woman with him when he picks her up from school. So I asked my fiance about it and he says that it's his sister, but my daughter knowes her aunt and she wouldn't have said some lady... I let it go because it could have been a cousin that we hadn't met or a co-worker, or whatever. A few days later, his mother called me and was said she had just drove passed us and blew, and why didn't we wave. I was like, I am at home. I called him immediately, and he flips on me. When he gets home he's all mad and aggressive towards me. I just let it go because we have children in the house.

A month later he called me and was like he couldn't get the kids from school and daycare, so I was okay, I'd get off early. Thinking he is working late, I come home and find him in our bed with another woman. --Now I am the one who is wrong, and he acts as if he can't stand me when we're around other people, but when we are alone he is all lovey dovey.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 07-25-2011 - 1:52pm

I'd say things got unhealthy real quick when he brilliantly decided to bring his affair partner along to school to pick up his daughter. This guy must have the brains of a doorknob.

So he blatantly cheated on you, you caught him pants-down with another woman in your bed , and he has the nerve to try to turn it around on you. Well I shouldn't be suprised, the controlling ones usually try to pull this.

The question is how are you going to hold him to account for this? You have a situation that needs addressing, work on the marriage or divorce. Sounds like you are doing neither at this point. If he is not willing to try to fix things and seek counseling with you then you must be prepared to leave him. Of course this is all dependent on you even wanting to try and fix things. Do you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Mon, 07-25-2011 - 2:04pm

I definitely cannot see marriage right now. As much as this hurts me, I can't imagine myself working things out. At the same time we've been together for 9 years and I cut all ties with my family for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 07-25-2011 - 2:17pm

I wouldn't see a marriage counselor.

I would end the relationship and be glad to know this information before I married a cheat, liar, sneak and creep.

His reaction to "let's work on this" has been to abuse you. Your children are better off if you are separated... It is never the right answer to tolerate abuse. Would you have wanted this for your own mother? I can't imagine you would have wanted to see her treated this way. Staying together will be worse for the children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Mon, 07-25-2011 - 2:26pm

You are completely right. I am going to just end things because my children's safety and well-being is way more important to me as well as mine. My mother wouldn't tolerate any of this. I think I will call her to see if she'd talk to me. I knew he was controlling when I became pregnant with my daughter. He was a different person. I never thought he'd cheat, but I knew he was controlling. Abuse is abuse and I need handle this now before it gets worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Mon, 07-25-2011 - 5:36pm
Reneeshai, the other posters are right. This man needs to be out of your lif as soon as possible. Him getting abusive towards is a huge red flag amonst all of the other things. Do NOT marry him, do NOT take him back, do NOT even try to work on things.

Do you two live together? If so, who's name is it under? If the residence is yours, I'd really ask a cop to be there when you tell him it's time to leave.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Mon, 07-25-2011 - 9:33pm

We do live together and the house is in both of our names. Right now I cannot even have this conversation with him about going our separate ways because I think that he will probably become aggressive. I am a criminal justice major so I've left a message on my old mentor's vm because she is a victims' advocate and maybe she can help me come up with a plan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2011
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 1:14pm

Speaking from experience I know this hurts and it feels like the worst betrayal but I will tell you no hurt can possibly come close to the pain you will cause your children if you stay with a man that's abusive to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 5:10pm

Thank you all for the advice. I talked to him and told him that I didn't want to be with him anymore and that we needed to decide what we want to do about the house. And I found out that my father had paid for the house already, so the money that was coming out of my account was going into my fiancé's account. With that being said, it's definitely over, and I have talked with my parents and we are going to start rekindling our relationship and I want them to be involved in my children's lives. And my ex fiance's family called me and said they still wanted to be in our lives regardless if my children's father was in it or not.