Cheap BF
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| Wed, 06-27-2007 - 1:19pm |
I've been with my bf almost a year. I am 28, he is 25. I make a decent living & he makes almost double what I make. We do have a great relationship- probably the best I've had. He is loving, attentive, caring, great communication. He's brought up marriage to me as well & sees us taking that step (as I do too).
My issue is that I feel his is a bit on the cheap side. Every guy I've dated has never let me pay for anything (I ALWAYS offer!!). My ex of 6yrs made alot less then me, but would spare his last dollar for me (I always felt bad about that).
I am by no means a gold digger, we have a very modest life- I never ask to go to fancy places or anything like that.
For example, he asked me to meet up for lunch. I came over & we ordered sandwiches at the counter- I think mine was like $6. He just said "it;s together" so I thought he was treating until he turned to me and said "DO you have cash for yours?". THe girl at the counter looked at me funny as I handed him cash for my half. I felt stupid. If it were the other way around, I would not care about $6. I told him after "If we are paying for ourselves, I would rather have my own transaction because I feel stupid handing you cash". Last night really irked me. We went to the food store to get popcorn- I picked up some things for myself (which totaled like $3). I was waiting in line after him so I could pay for myself. He said "just put it togehter, it's not much". I said "OK, thanks- I only have $1 cash"....HE TOOK MY DOLLAR...one friggin dollar!!
I've brought it up earlier in the relationship and we got in a big fight. He said if I am looking for someone to take care of me, he is not the one & he didn't think I was like that. He grew up on welfare (and really turned his life around), so he careful about money. He said no girl has ever brought this up to him.... He said he didn't understand how women today want to be independent & all, but then still relay on a guy....
We got through that arguement, and I just address how I would rather just have my own transactions, or he pay one day, I pay another...etc
Am I being unresonable?? THis is just very new to me.. I was even telling my dad & he thought it was unusual- he said it sounds like he still thinks of "me" "him" and not "us"

Welcome to the board kbi22,
Is he going to expect you to pay half of everything after marriage?
This is a complicated situation because you say that he is basically very good to you and that you have a fine relationship. Yet, in this area, he has trouble giving. The question is, does this generalize. Does he not want to take care of you? How does he see a marriage?? With each of you working and chipping in, I guess. You have to ask yourself if this will become a problem for you in the long run. If you feel that he has trouble giving to you. It's fine to want to be taken care of in a relationship. Most people want that. They also want to take care of their partner, in return. This does not mean becoming child like or dependent, but being able to give and receive mutually, in ways that feel good and respectful to both. Look and see if there are other ways in which his unwillingness to take care of you expresses itself. You want to be very careful before you get married that this is ironed out.
Best wishes,
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I think the $1 thing is a bit silly, but I will tell you this -
My bf and I do the "I'll pay now, you get the next one" system, but, in the grand scheme of the relationship... it certainly seems like I get the expensive dinners out with drinks, and he gets the movies or the trip to Wendy's if you know what I mean... while I appreciate not keeping a running tally of expenses, I also have a little resentment when I feel like our balance is shifting to me paying for most. I don't mention it, so I can't be upset about it, I'm just saying, maybe try to find a hidden blessing in his financial strictness/your financial independence.
Erin
glitter-graphics.com
>>He said he didn't understand how women today want to be independent & all, but then still relay on a guy....<<
While I believe quibbling over $1 or $6 is extreme, I'm totally with him on this statement. I don't understand either....and I'm a woman.
Because of my beliefs in equality of the sexes, I'm with the poster who takes turns paying. With this in mind, I'm wondering if you've ever paid for him? Have you tried leading by example? Have you said "I'll pay for this...you get the next one"?
Whether or not you are being unreasonable is beside the point. He's told you straight up that he is not going to look after you financially. What you need to do now is LISTEN and make your decision. You see, no matter how much you disagree with him, he's plainly stated his case and is not about to change.
If you do decide to marry, you need to figure this out before you take the plunge. Make agreements on how the finances in a marriage would work. Would he support you as a stay at home mom when you have children? What happens if either of you is temporarily out of work? Would your money be pooled together in a joint accout or kept separately? If it's separate, what percentages would be used to meet the mortgage/utilities?
And if the two of you can't agree and be happy with the marriage money rules, then DON'T marry him.