Cheap boyfriend!!! :o(

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Cheap boyfriend!!! :o(
5
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 8:21am
My boyfriend braggs all the time about the money he makes and I used to make more than him up until recently. Lately its been bugging me. Maybe its because I have always gotten the impression that he is stingy with his money? He is very cheap and never goes out of his way to buy me anything. We split everything 50/50 and sometimes we argue over who pays what. We are kind of the same way because I am frugal and I like to save money. We live together but I have an expensive car that I pay for and his grandmother bought him his car and pays his car insurance. One time I asked him to buy me a soda at the gas station and he expected me to pay him back right away and it made me angry. I just feel like he never does nice things for me anymore. He used to buy me flowers and pay a lot when we would go out to dinner (before we moved in). Now its the complete opposite. I am not asking for him to spoil me. We are both saving for a house so that eventually we could get married and buy one together. Lately our relationship has been rocky and its all because of money (funny huh? the root of all evil). I guess I've always had the assumption that men should be willing to fork out more money for stuff and show his appreciation to a woman by taking her out to dinner, buying her flowers, taking her places etc. I go out of my way to do stuff for him. Like the other night I spent money at the grociery store and made him a nice salmon dinner and bought a nice bottle of wine. I feel underappreciated like he is just out to make more and more money for himself but doesn't contribute anything to our relationship. It is our 2 year anniversary and he says he doesn't have any money right now (even though he is making more and he has 10,000 in his savings) to get me a gift and that it is not necessary anyway because we are not married. What do you guys think of this. Maybe I am jealouse because all the other girls I know that live with their bf's are treated differently. Like this one girl I know got a beatifull tiffany bracelette for valentines day and all I got was a bag with a big bar of handmade soap and a candle ( and this was after I reminded him that it was valentines day). I just feel like I'm with this cheap, selfish boyfriend......Should I talk to him abot this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 9:50am
There is frugal and there is cheap. Your guy is it. JMHO but men who are cheap and give reasons for not doing nice things for you are simply not capable of giving love. (I dated one for years and he gave similar reasons. Looking back, the only time he gave of himself was when he wanted sex!) Its like he doesn't want to feel obligated so he keeps a clear accounting of what he spends. When you love someone, you automatically want to do nice things for them, even if you have limited funds. Spending money in and of itself is not a indication of love, many people lavish gifts on people simply to impress them. Never giving anything tells me he has nothing to give at all.

I think you are encouraging his cheapness by agreeing to split everything 50/50. this is more of a friend/roommate situation than lovers. I would guess that you still have separate accounts and nothing shared for household expenses? There are lots of opinions RE shared expenses - I likethe one where you each contribute a set percentage based on your incomes. Therefore, one of you is not actually contributing a larger portion of your takehome pay than the other.

Now, there is nothing wrong with being frugal - I dated a frugal man for a while and he was quite generous with me because he wanted to. It sounds as if your guy is saying that you are not worht it to him. He likely has very little to give of himself and it is translating as monetary things. Is he also stingy with his affection?

Don't for a minute make this your fault by saying you are being jealous of others. You are feeling a lack of warmth and generosity that should be part of a healthy and loving relationship. When you marry him, it will be worse. You may have to account for every penny you spend and get lectured about spending $1.50 on something silly. Time to ask yourself some hard questions: Is this behavior something you can accept? Is it something you two can negotiate? Is the overall quality of your relationship good enough to compensate? If not, you may need to leave and find someone who has no problem giving and sharing.

Best wishes to you

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:29pm
Hi! Sometimes I worry too that my BF is a bit frugal too (my M once wondered whether he was 'cheap' too), and I often feel as though I were prepared to lavish my limited means on him (we're both students and my parents aren't as well off) when he is more restrained with expenditure. We both share almost everything 50/50, except for special treats. One thing if he's suggesting that you're not worth it and if he spends more on himself, but another if it's more to do with habit. In my case, whilst my parents have always spoilt me (not necessarily a good thing) being a only child and have made sacrifices to do so, his mother especially has this thing about not spending money on herself or too much on him or going to too much trouble, putting herself out for anything or anyone, even though she's completely devoted to him. She even nags him if he decides to buy books he needs for his doctoral study, and it's not as though he wastes money at all, and she even moans when he puts lots of effort into furthering his career prospects ir showing other people gratitude. I've come to realise that the attitude that he's picked up applies to all kinds of things, not just to me, so I don't usually feel so hurt, and my feminist sensibilities would be offended if he bought me flowers all the time; it's only fair to share out things. And my BF's beginning to realise how debilitating it can be to inherit this obsession with not spending or feeling guilty for going to lots of trouble, and has started to be a bit more lavish and to ignore his mother's protests and listen to is more reasoned Dad about it. I think on the whole I maybe am keener to treat him and spend a bit more on presents, but often we I begin to worry about this he surprising me with a little gift - often not expensive, but it's the thought that counts, and I think it's important to treasure the little gestures as flamboyant ones sometimes conceal a lack of real care. And, I recently had my 21st and his parents spent loads on me, taking us out for a wonderful meal the day before, book tokens and CDs and they offered that I could live with them for a few weeks while we found a flat together in a couple of months' time, so I get confusing signals about their stinginess too. And, even if he hadn't spent tons (though quite a bit), he'd spent ages finding a perfect vegetarian restaurant for my birthday dinner and had ordered an out-of-print book he knew I'd really love in plenty of time and had made me a card, so not everything depends on monetary value, though I do get where you're coming from. Also, is yr BF generous in other ways, like with his time, or is he a good listener? It may be a general attitude towards money, praps from his parents, more than selfishness. Talk to him and maybe he'll see that it not only hurts you, but that excessive cheapness can be as dangerous for him as lavish spending. Maybe it's a matter of your both adjusting yr expectations?

Just some thoughts... Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 5:13pm

Well I agree, I think in terms of shared expenses a percentage of the income works better than simply 50/50, but less also not forget that she used to make more money than him, and things were still 50/50 and that wasn't such a problem then.


IMO, it isn't about the expenses, splitting it 50/50 if you both make basically the same amount of money seems appropriate to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 10:09am
I have no problem with frugal but I find nothing endearing about a person who is cheap. They are not the same things at all. Cheap is when you try to get something for nothing, frugal is getting the best value for your money when you choose to spend it.

My personal experience is that cheap people also tend to be stingy with their affections as well - they value money more than loving relationships, IMO, and are very materialistic, never wanting to feel indebted to another. They do not give because they do not know how to receive. Frugal people recognize the value of money and material things but know that it is a means to an end, not the end itself.

I do agree that not feeling loved or appreciated is key here. If he shows love and affection easily enough, then it is possible that a frank discussion about this could result in a win win situation. If he is stingy there as well, then reassessing the relationship would be in order. I just didn't get that this was the case in the original post.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 10:58am
Are you sure this is the way you want to live for the rest of your life? I'm a frugal saver too, but I'd never want to be with someone like your bf -- a petty person whose obsessive focus on money blocks out the value of other more important things (love, respect, kindness, consideration, generosity, etc). My husband is very frugal and a saver, but he's the most generous person I know when it comes to giving himself -- his time and consideration -- to others. Good luck to you.