cheated and hysterical, please help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
cheated and hysterical, please help!!
4
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 11:53pm
I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for almost 9 months now. He is the only boyfriend I've ever had that has treated me well. He is an unbelievably kind and loving person and I love him more than anything.

I am friends with an ex and recently went with him to a baseball game. My boyfriend, who is out of the country for a week and I don't have any way to really contact, knows that I went to the game with my ex and was fine with it. During this week my boyfriend has been away, I have been very lonely and depressed because he's gone. My ex invited me to watch movies at his place after the game, and because I was tired and didn't want to drive the hour-long trip home to my place, I said ok. After awhile, I asked if it was ok if I stayed over and slept on the couch. My ex said his roommate would probably wake me up early in the morning and to sleep in his bed, he'd put a pillow between us. Me being extremely naive, thought I could handle this because I had no feelings for my ex anymore and we had been friends for awhile.

Of course, my ex was all over me the minute we were in bed and, I guess because I was tired and missed my boyfriend so much, I didn't really stop anything. I ended up sleeping with him for reasons I can't explain and immediately after became hysterical, and spent the night up crying. I love my boyfriend so much, and hate what happened.

I am afraid to tell him because I know he would be extremely hurt and every time I imagine his expression, I tear up. I know the right thing to do is tell him, but I don't know how I can without him breaking up with me, something that would devestate me. A friend says telling him would do more harm than good, since it was a one time thing and she and I both feel I was taken advantage of. If anyone has advice on how to handle this situation, it would be very much appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Sat, 07-03-2004 - 1:16am
Sorry.........im going to bash u

Women do this crap all the time and not take the responsiblity for their actions. Once a women cheats, she figures out how easy it is to do it again, when the opportunity presents itself as in your case. If you tell him,and if he is man enough, he will DUMP YOU instantly. You have done the worse thing a person can do to their SO in a relationship. You cant even trust yourself to be without him, so how can u ever be trusted? If you love your bf, you would'nt have put yourself in this situation to begin with. An x is an x for a reason. X's cannot be friends after a break up. This is a perfect example as to why! You and your x both have feelings for eachother. If you respected your relationship with your bf, you would of took the couch and not the bed. You screwed up. You can keep this to yourself and never tell anybody, and things may be ok, but the guilt you have brought upon yourself is your problem. You can tell your bf and feel miserable and get dumped. Take responsibility for your actions! Learn from them.


Edited 7/3/2004 1:18 am ET ET by alpha_male

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Sat, 07-03-2004 - 4:19am
I'm a female and believe you need to take responsibility for your actions. Because your bf is aware of your ex, and may even have contact with him through you, he may find out anyway. Your ex set you up good and you went for it (alcohol is often used as an excuse and usually doesn't pass so saying you were too tired probably won't either, besides if you were too tired to say no how were you not too tired to have sex - yes you made a decision) - and it's still your responsibility to your relationship with your bf. Would you rather keep it quiet and hope your bf never finds out or tell him the truth - probably get dumped (maybe not) with a clear conscious - but learn never to do this again while you're in another relationship. Relationships with bad secrets are nervous and on edge. Even if you get dumped, at least you can look forward to having a morally correct relationship with someone else someday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sat, 07-03-2004 - 9:17am
'Me being extremely naive, thought I could handle this because I had no feelings for my ex anymore and we had been friends for awhile.'

Why put yourself in a position where you have to 'handle' anything? Imagine your boyfriend sleeping with a pillow in between himself and his ex.

You chose to see your ex and sleep with him.

'she and I both feel I was taken advantage of.'

You really think you are the victim here? Did you ever say no to him? Did you even think about your boyfriend during this?

'I didn't really stop anything.'

Exactly.

By the way I think your log in name is quite telling. I think you want to stay single and sabotage the relationship. If you are not happy get out and let your bf find someone who wants to br committed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Sat, 07-03-2004 - 4:35pm
I don't feel that you were taken advantage of. At ALL. I think that is just an excuse for you to justify the choices you made - 1. Sleeping at your EX's house IN HIS BED! That can only spell trouble. 2. Having sex wth him. A consious choice. I am in a committed relationship myself and if I ever chose to hang out with my ex, which I would never, but if I did I don't care how tired I was, I would have driven home.

You were tired and you missed you BF are yet more excuses to justify your actions. If you were tired you could have said no to sex. If you missed your boyfriend you wouldn't be in the situation with your ex in the first place. You need to take responsibility for your actions.

It seems to me that hanging out with your ex brings back the old feelings you had for him in the past and you really still do care for him deep down inside even though you can't or won't admit it. Don't hang out with him anymore if you want to save your relationship if it can even be saved.

I also think that you should tell your boyfriend what happened. He has every right to know. I have been cheated on in the past and I had to find out about it through a source other than my now EX. I wish my ex had been a man and told me. You would want to know if your boyfriend had cheated on you whether it was a one time thing or not. The decision should be up to him whether he wants to stay with you or not. If he doesn't want to stay with you then you have to understand that. Of course you are going to be devastated if he breaks up with you but he is going to be devastated too. If you really cared about him and the relationship you have together than you would not have done anything to put it in jeopardy in the first place.

Going forward don't put yourself in positions that can only spell trouble.