cheated w/ escorts!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
cheated w/ escorts!!!
10
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 4:05pm
Okay, I don’t know where to start. My bf & I just celebrated our 2 year anniversary you would think that all the trust is in tact but unfortunately for me, I have been feeling kind of off. My bf and I have sex pretty much once every 3 months which is horrible for me. We used to have so much fun and were intimately inseparable. Now I hear no more than most people could bear. Now he says that life doesn’t revolve around sex. That was a low blow because I didn’t want to make him feel like he was some sort of sex object. We are happy, we talk all the time, we see each other everyday, and we talk about the future. Recently he hasn’t been talking about the future as much unless I bring it up. Well, to get straight to the point, I snooped in my bf email account the day before our anniversary and I found emails that just ripped my heart out. My bf states that he doesn’t watch porn or any of that stuff and I had confronted him about it before but he never fesses up to even when I proof. But this it 3 times worse. He has been emailing individual escorts or incall/outcall sessions, and asking are they in a house. condo or hotel and in one email he even states that he has had a particular girl/escort for 2 years. This means that he has not been faithful for the entire time that we have been together. I love this man to death and have fully committed to him but how do I talk to him about this???? How do I tell him "hey, I invaded your privacy and are you cheating on me?" Should I just let the relationship go? I love him to death but this has really placed everything on really shaky grounds for me. I don’t even know how he could be cheating when we are always together. Now that I know this I have been in a funk and have been stand offish with everyone especially my bf. I wished he could have just told me. Now I am always suspicious. I have checked his emails and have not seen any new updates but then again it has only been 4 days. Honestly what hurts the most is that he lied and that I have been putting myself out there (sex wise) and his chooses an escort over his own gf. I'm an intelligent, beautiful young woman that has a lot to offer but right now I can’t help but doubt myself and feel that I pushed him away. Someone help. I need some insight on this situation. Please no angry I hate men comments. I just want some honest, genuine opinions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 4:17pm

Welcome to the board kserena,


My thinking is in

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 5:06pm

The trust is gone...w/o trust there is nothing left...

what do you want to do about it?

Why confront him when you've all ready got the proof and you know that when you confront him about it that he will probably just lie to you since he has no problem cheating on you either...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 12:20am

He CANNOT be trustewd and he has been fine having his needs met elsewhere while you suffer feeling neglected and now you're down on yourself because of HIS behavior. It's not a matter of "hating" men it's a matter of recognizing that a liar cannot be trusted and generally speaking "once a cheater always a cheater." He has made you feel wrong for desiring sex with him - well of course you desire sex with him - he's your boyfriend. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with your boyfriend and if he wasn't betraying you, you would have had a healthy sex life.

If you hear anything - hear this - this IS NOT your fault. You are a beautiful, intelligent woman who deserves an honorable man. He's not it. You could hold on with hope, you could try to guess what he might want or need and hope you can measure up but cheaters can't be satisfied and no one is ever enough.

Personally, I would confront him to tell him why it's over. You may get crap for snooping but I am a firm believer that sometimes we just know so we seek the proof and while it may be beneath us in every way the need to know will not be denied. Our sense of self almost demands it.

It is possible that the steady girl he is referring to is you but that doesn't change the fact that he is sniffing around to see what else is out there, all the while shutting you out.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2007
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 1:40pm
I agree with "sjmystic" 100%. I also would like to say this..
I would have no problem confronting my girl if I had proof... after all how can they even dream of complaining about you snooping.. while they are decieving you?.. I rather be a snoop then a cheat and on top of that.. there was a reason for you to snoop.. cause he was doing you wrong!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2007
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 4:44pm
If it were me, I wouldn't say anything about checking his email. I would cut my losses and dump him if it were me. He could also give you a disease.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 11:58am
I have had a week to think over a lot of things. I even dream about it and sometimes I find myself with tears when I wake up. It has been heartbreaking. A couple days ago, I was playing around with his blackberry which is the worst device in the world. I looked through the pictures as if I didnt know how to use the stupid thing and "accidentally" stumble upon one of the escort's pictures. I know this for a fact because I went on her website to double check what she looked like. When I asked my boyfriend about it, I did so in the nicest way possible. I didn't assume or accuse him of anything. I could tell that he felt uncomfortable but stated that he was testing a download program for his blackberry and in his own words "unfortunately porn is the easiest to find". I agree that there is a lot of porn, what I dont agree with was that he had no other option. I told him dont say unfortunately, and that it is okay if he is looking at porn but then I proceeded to ask who was she, and he went around the quest by saying just some model. He lied to my face. Thats when i got hurt. I started to act stand-offish and told him again that it is okay if it is just porn. I guess I was expecting him to fess up and feel some sort of guilt by lying to my face like that. Later we had a little talk about our relationship and he still insists that he think we are a perfect couple and wants to have children, we even have a business together for God's sake.I love this man so much and have never really thought of a man to be the one but honestly if I didnt know he was talking to escorts then I would be the happiest women other than the sex once every 3 months. This was the redflag that made me snoop into his email account. And that he has passwords on everything. What persona has a password on everything like that. I dont know if he has had sex with these people but the emails do give off the impression that he has. I spoke with my best guy friend and after trying to calm him down stop him from kicking my bf's ass he stated that he is probably "getting off" on the idea of cheating and is just talking and exchanging photos. Which kind of reassures me but there is still the fact that he is talking to these people. Whats killing me is trying to find a way to talk to him without him feeling that I invaded his privacy. I try to think about how I would feel if he went through my emails and even though I have nothing to hide, I would be extremely hurt. Am i thinking about this in the right way or am I being the queen of giving the benefit of the doubt? Anyone have any clues on how I should deal with this situation? I do want to stay with him but I am doing a lot of soul searching right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2007
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 10:38pm
HI LADIES, GET A GRIP IT'S HIS GIRLFRIEND NOT HIS WIFE, SHE NEED TO CONFRONT HIM AND IF HE LIES SHE HAVE SOME DECISION TO MAKE. HE MAY HAVE BEEN ONLINE TALKING TO THEM BEFOR HE MET HER. IT MAY NOT BE AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 11:10am
"It's his girlfriend not his wife"? Well thanks for correcting us all because I'm sure how you treat your girlfriend is no indicator whatsoever for how you would treat your wife!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2007
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 11:36am
HI, TO WHO IT CONCERN, I'M SORRY THAT MEN LOOKS AT GIRLFRIEND AND BOYFRIEND DIFFERENT. FEMALE LOOKS AT IT AS IF ITS A COMMITMENT. SORRY LADIES IT IS NOT. ONLY WHEN A MAN COME TO YOU AND SAY I COMMIT TO YOU. THAT MEANS HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOU. UNTIL THEN HE IS FREE TO LOOK. PS. THERE NO GIRLFRIEND OR BOYFRIEND LAWS. SHE PICK HE.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 10:43pm
When you are "dating" someone you have no right to expect anything but when you are actually boyfriend and girlfriend monogamy is part of what moves you to that stage. Do you seriously believe that it's only about legal obligation? A husband has no legal obligation to be faithful to his wife it is always a matter of morals and character. If a man can't be faithful to a girlfriend he won't be faithful to a wife.