cheater/suicide/home

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
cheater/suicide/home
4
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 9:29am
Help! I don't know what to do..It started last Mon. when my husband went to"a party" which only had to people.. At first he said he only "intended" to cheat. I asked him to go to his mom's for one nite so I could deal with that and he attempted to kill himself(called the ambulance himself though.) He was in a psyc. hospital until Friday. He came home and I don't feel anything just numb. I just go through the motions. I don't know if I still want the marriage but I do love him..I think. By the way I found out that she gave him oral sex and he had fun with her breasts(she was paralyzed so normal sex was out of the question)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 2:51am
who is she? he has real BIG problems how long have u been with him and know him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 2:23pm
I'm sorry, I know you're in a lot of pain right now. I'm no expert, but I'll give you my advice for what it's worth. I do have some experience with suicide.

First, what does he mean he only "intended" to cheat? That's just as bad, in my opinion. Was that supposed to make you feel better? I'd have kicked him out that night, too. Now, since you've found out that he DID cheat, (the fact that there was no penetration is irrelevant), you have to decide if you want to stay in the marriage. If it was me, I wouldn't. I'd leave him. He'll cheat again, and then you'll only have yourself to blame.

As for the attempted suicide...I know that's painful. It's very easy to blame yourself in a situation like that, but you have to remember that it's NOT your fault. I think it's unlikely that he really meant to kill himself. If he had REALLY wanted to, he would have. Instead, I think he was probably just desperate. Crying out for attention. Sounds cliche, I know. I heard someone say once: "Those people who talk about suicide all the time, or attempt it but don't succeed, they're the ones that are asking for help. The people who are REALLY gonna do it, they don't talk about it, they just do it." You cannot let him use this to manipulate you into staying. DON'T LET HIM.

You need to decide if you can live with what he's done. If you can, take him back. If you can't, then leave him. Don't let the way he might react be any influence on your decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 3:20pm
Ohbaby is right on the money. If he was really serious about killing himself, he'd be dead now. The rest is just a plea for attention. He's trying the "oh, poor me....you can't be mad at me for what I did because I'm so messed up I'm suicidal" ploy. Don't believe it.

I know you're hurting right now, and my heart goes out to you. I know the shock and disillusionment you're feeling right now. I also know that you're going to blame yourself, and ask what you did wrong.

But keep in mind that YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! Even if he was unhappy in the relationship, it was HIS choice to cheat. You didn't force him into it. If he wanted to commit suicide, again this was HIS choice. You can NOT force him to do anything he really doesn't want to do. So none of this is really your fault, and don't let him convince you otherwise.

His suicide attempt is nothing more than a lame attempt to play on your guilt complexes to forgive his infidelity. Again, don't let him manipulate you that way. It was HIS choice to cheat, instead of trying to fix the problems between you two. So let HIM face the consequences.

Decide what's best for YOU. Don't worry about anyone else in that equation right now. You need to know what you want from a relationship, and what you are willing to tolerate. Yes, I believe that it's possible for infidelity to be a mistake, and never be repeated. Does that mean it's true in his case? Not necessarily. People who are truly repenting their mistakes don't try to shirk the blame or consequences by committing suicide. That's only running from the truth, not taking responsibility for it. This does not describe your DH. If his priority is going to be HIMself and HIS needs, then it's only fair for you to look out for yourself.

So look honestly and objectively (as much as possible) at your DH and your relationship with him. Is your relationship really worth saving? Is there enough good in it (today, not in the past) to make it worth trying to get past all the pain and distrust caused by his infidelity? Forgiving a cheater (even one time) is not an easy thing. You BOTH need to be willing to work hard and make compromises and sacrifices to get beyond this. If the relationship isn't worth it, or if you BOTH can't commit to making that effort, then save yourself further heartache and get out now. If he IS willing to work at it, then I highly recommend counseling, both individual and couple.

But no matter what, stay true to yourself.

Good luck.

LC

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 10:52am
Thank you all for the wonderful advice. I really feel the suicide attempt was a ploy also. I have been living with this for a week now and him! I am not too sure if this is a good thing but I have chosen to ignore it all and live our lives with our girls. I am still angry with him but I'm scared to leave also.