Is this cheating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Is this cheating?
6
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 9:35pm
I've been living with my Girlfriend for 4 years, and we have a fairly close relationship, I thought we talked about everything with each other, last week i came home and we fought so i went to work on our computer and noticed a womanline.com log on and i assumed it was work related (she's in the social worker feild) but i was curious so i followed the link to find it's lesbian dating site! I was freeked out, i asked her if she new anything about it and she told me it was research, the next morning i went on and searched for a profile in my area fitting her stats and the forth one down was her! The profile was looking for a seceret love, and stated she had a commited relationship but wanted a "freind with benifits" i was crushed, I asked her and she denied it then admitted she just liked talking to people. I asked her if there was any other profiles and she said no.

Later that day i found 2 more profiles online looking for the same, "descrete encounter" and some were dirty desribing that her sexual fantasy is being blindfolded and getting oral sex. she said she forgot about them.

then admitted she lied about it but never did anything with anyone and never planned to.

I was really freeked out and pretty much had a breakdown, i decieded to stay with her cause i have no other reason to believe she cheated and i love her to death and cant imagine being without her. I started trying to think about what i could do to fufill what she was looking for and she really likes that i'm being more affectionate and more sexual but adamantly denies being interested in women. which i find hard to swallow......I told her that if she wanted to be with a women i may be able to deal with it but not behind my back.

Was this cheating?

Is she in the closet?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 8:22am

I think that anytime a SO participates in any relationship that involves feelings of being more than freinds, its cheating. I do not believe that you have to have sexual relations with someone for it to constitute cheating. I think, in my opinion, whats worse is sharing emotional bonds with someone, rather than having sex. Sex can be meaningless, but when sex isnt involced, but emotions, it gets messy.


Have you ever thought of looking into spyware for your computer? It tracks where people go on the interenet and which sites they visit. May be worth looking into.


Were all the sites she had posted profiles on, lesbian sites? I think that you need to sit back and think if this is the type of relationship that you want to be a part of....


Best wishes,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 10:38am
thanks for your reply,

The other sites were not exclusivly gay sites but her profiles were posted in the girls seeking girls section.......

and her explantion is she likes talking to people online and felt good making friends that she could relate too and said the only deception was on the girls she was talking to, not me cause she never intended on meeting them. the other sites did not have much to them as far a being an active member just a few logins, but the womanline account was quite active, as far as the sexually suggestive stuff she said she tried a real freindship type profile but got no responses. so she souped it up and got much more responses.

I really love her and want to believe her but somthing in the back of my mind says that she really wants to have a lesbian experience but is too embarrassed to admit it,

my mind is in constant panic, i would die if she lied and met somone behind my back which is why i make the offer to include somone of her choice into our sexlife, i just dont want to wait another 4 years and find out she is gay or worse she has been having secret encounters.

I also dont want to push her away by being obsessed with this. A part of me wants her to tell me she BI and at least i could work around it, but not knowing and her stories sounding thin drives me bananas

thanks for listening I dont know who to talk to about this

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 11:08am
Regardless of the definition of cheating, she is obviously interested in women and has been lying to you. Are you o.k. with this? Improving you sex life isn't going to solve the problems here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 11:29am
She has asked me in the past what i thought about a 3some, ( i thought cause she wanted to catch me saying i want another woman) but i always replied no because i was afraid of the emotional problems that could accure. i admitted that the sex would probably be great but jelousy could really kill our relationship. and she always told me that, that was a good anwser.

Am I OK with it? not sure, i think i could deal with it as long as there were NO secrets.

And i've done more than improve our sexlife, it's more of the everyday things i dont do anymore.....talking, touching, being nice, thinking about her feelings, and what she wants from everyday life, Like instead of sleeping while she gets ready for work i get up make coffee, breakfast, and talk before work. I touch her arm or back and give her a hug whenever...... I still need work but I doubt this will fufill her BI fantasy if she has one, but if its just the emotional void she was seeking i can fix that....and stop taking her for granite cause somday she could be in somone elses arms - girl or guy and i dont want to be able to say i didnt treat her right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 12:57pm



1) she lied repeately

2) her intent was there or she would have never posted a profile in the first place

3) she's looking for something and if someone approaches her, replies to one of her posts, she very well may follow through.

::then admitted she lied about it but never did anything with anyone and never planned to.

Sorry I don't buy it...why invest all the time, effort and energy to think of a profile, post your secret desires if you plan on doing nothing about it?

PS My bf said I should add something about the 3-some - something you may not have thought of - I think it is/could very well be a relationship killer.


Edited 8/13/2004 1:12 pm ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 4:56pm
the way I found out that my ex wanted a 3some was one night after alot of drinking we were haveing amazing sex and I mentioned it just jokeing around and she said she would love to but she also wanted two guy's so mabey get her drunk then try talking to her then about. people tend to be more open and honest when there drunk. and if she opens up, then try to bring it up again when she's sober. But try as hard as you can to come across as if you wouldn't care and either way you'd still love the same if not more for being honest. who know's a 3some might destroy the relationship but it might also make things better. it very well could bring you too closer expecially if you make her fantisies come true then she would probly want to make yours come true as well.

Best of luck to ya

opsicle