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Cheating
| Fri, 03-19-2004 - 5:25am |
Hi
Okay where do I start? I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and I love him VERY MUCH where quite close and I know he loves me alot, but when we first got together he was violent towards me! He hasn't been violent now for a year, but I dont know if I can trust him not to do it again, all i keep thinking is wot if we have kids and he hurts one of them!
About a month ago I met a really great guy who's absolutely gorgeous and says that he's fallen for me and that he wants to be in a relatonship with me! He buys me flowers, writes me poems, makes me feel special all the time but on top of all that he's soooooooooooo sexy, we've been intimate and it was mind blowing, i've never experienced anything like it but i'm really unsure because i'm worried that if i make the decision to leave my long term boyfriend then the excitement for my lover will go and it wont be the same! You always want what you cant have, so what happens when he has me!
I feel so confused, i dont know which one i want and cant make a decision! I cant talk to anyone about it as my family and friends are really close with my long term boyfriend, which is another thing i dont want to ruin!
I really need some advice, Please HELP!!!!
Okay where do I start? I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and I love him VERY MUCH where quite close and I know he loves me alot, but when we first got together he was violent towards me! He hasn't been violent now for a year, but I dont know if I can trust him not to do it again, all i keep thinking is wot if we have kids and he hurts one of them!
About a month ago I met a really great guy who's absolutely gorgeous and says that he's fallen for me and that he wants to be in a relatonship with me! He buys me flowers, writes me poems, makes me feel special all the time but on top of all that he's soooooooooooo sexy, we've been intimate and it was mind blowing, i've never experienced anything like it but i'm really unsure because i'm worried that if i make the decision to leave my long term boyfriend then the excitement for my lover will go and it wont be the same! You always want what you cant have, so what happens when he has me!
I feel so confused, i dont know which one i want and cant make a decision! I cant talk to anyone about it as my family and friends are really close with my long term boyfriend, which is another thing i dont want to ruin!
I really need some advice, Please HELP!!!!

Then get out. Why isn't violence a deal-breaker for you?
Stop cheating on him or he will rationalize a reason to hit you again. You are doing the immoral thing by sleeping with someone else.
Why choose either? Do you have to always be with one guy? You will choose the possibility of being hit over being alone?
What you need to do is stop making excuses for your cheating and his voilence and get out...one time is one time too many and it worries me that it isnt enough of a reason for you to leave. Are you going ot wait for him to do it again for you to have a valid reason?You had one a year ago....
Best Wishes,
Someone that loves their boyfriend VERY MUCH (as you put it) DO NOT, WOULD NOT cheat on him. But you have.
Read this - disregard the ages and the matrial status, as the info applies to you:
Question: I’m 49 years old, currently single, and having an affair with a married man. He’s 53 and neither of us has ever done such a thing in the past. I don’t believe he has any divorce plans and I’m not looking for him to. And I am ethically opposed to such marital betrayal. Seems to me this will eventually end with emotional pain — mine, his, maybe hers. Why, in your opinion, are two intelligent people taking such a risk? I just don’t seem to have the resolve to stop this.
Answer: Have you ever had a moment you just wanted to freeze and keep forever? Maybe it was a great conversation, a meal, a sunset, or some moment of bliss that you never wanted to end. In the back of your mind, you knew it would be gone soon. Maybe you went so far as to try and preserve it even though you knew that was impossible. But change is the most inevitable thing we face — everything changes.
It sounds to me like you’re trying to preserve this relationship against all odds. And, in so doing, you shed light on some of the most compelling reasons that people have affairs.
THE COCAINE OF ROMANCE
An affair is a relationship out of space and out of time. Although it is bound to end (everything does), an affair holds an implicit denial that it is vulnerable to the same forces as all other normal relationships.
Affairs are the cocaine of romance, always promising that initial rush and trying to eternally preserve the infatuation stage. Add to that the intrigue, secrecy and ever-present risk of getting caught, and you have a very powerful aphrodisiac. Maybe that is why infidelity is so common. Studies have found that approximately 25 percent to 37 percent of married men and 15 percent to 20 percent of married woman admit to having had extramarital sex at least once. It is likely that these numbers are actually much higher since those who engage in these dalliances are, by definition, accustomed to concealing the truth.
In addition to getting hooked on the juice of hormones, endorphins and adrenaline, we find several other themes that make affairs so compelling:
Control. No one wants to be the yo-yo; everyone wants to be the string. The closer someone is to you, the less control you have since true intimacy requires surrender. But an affair keeps the string in your hand because it is inherently limited. Even though you both are doing things you probably don’t want to do, when it comes to the big enchilada — namely commitment — you are safe.
Fear of intimacy. This is the fear of being truly seen. Affairs keep people stuck in the “early relationship” stage where everyone is on their best behavior, says please and thank you, and shaves the appropriate parts of their respective bodies.
Putting this kind of energy into being on your best behavior is all well and good, but not when it’s in the service of hiding your true self. Many people believe there are parts of themselves so unacceptable that to have them seen will inevitably result in them being rejected. Their solution: don’t ever relax, hope, or truly get involved with another person.
In addition to keeping you at a “safe distance,” an affair gives you the extra bonus of keeping your life intact so that when you are inevitably dumped, you haven’t lost anything. It’s like flying a flight simulator — you get all the thrills and none of the risk. Great solution, if only it was real.
Emotional claustrophobia. Some people feel that settling down with another person confines them too much. So affairs are great because there’s none of that forever stuff and there is always a way out.
Committed relationships can unleash a torrent of doubt. People wonder, “Is this it? Is this the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, who I’m going to retire with, who I’m going to die with?”
A committed relationship can also bring up all kinds of other unpleasant questions, such as, “Would I have been happier with my high school sweetheart?” or “I don’t see rockets — is this all love is?” or “Am I now on a collision course with retirement and death?”
An affair is like a fountain of youth. It encourages you to believe that your options are still open, more love might still happen, and you are still young and living a life of continuous adventure. By the way, if this doesn’t do it for you, heroin provides a similar effect.
Fear of success. This one is especially true for women. Face it, if you were involved with an available man he might just love you back and there would be no inherent reason for the relationship not to work out. You would get what you probably don’t feel that you deserve: unadulterated love. But with an affair, no matter how wondrous it feels, it is inherently flawed and limited.
FACING THE INEVITABLE END
Instead of obsessing about how you know you should stop the affair, think about what it is you are avoiding by staying in it. By continuing the affair, you’re missing out on a real relationship that is vulnerable to all the vicissitudes of time and place. In a real relationship, you could be with someone forever, but at times may not wish to be with him for another day. You seem to wonder whether you should or even can end this affair. But if you were truly happy, you would be writing love letters instead of SOS e-mails.
Stop deceiving yourself — try as you might to preserve it, the affair, like everything else, will end one way or the other. And when it does, there will be plenty of emotional pain to go round, as you point out. Definitely his, definitely hers, and definitely yours. What you don’t directly say in your letter is that the violation of your own morals is already causing you anguish, so it’s too late to prevent pain. What you still have a choice about is how bad the pain will be. (Hint — the longer the affair goes on, the worse it will hurt when it ends.)
The kicker about affairs is that they are based on deception and the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If he can lie to his wife, he can lie to you. And if you can deceive others, you can deceive yourself.
So take a deep breath, face the answer you knew before you wrote your letter, and take your chances with real love. It won’t last forever, but if you’re lucky it will last a lifetime.
David Marcus, Ph.D., of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre.
Carrie