Cheating from afar

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2007
Cheating from afar
4
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 9:52pm

I'm in a strange situation and I need some help.

I started dating a girl that I've known for years. We started our relationship just this past summer. In August, I moved to another part of the state. Since then, things have been going pretty well... very well, as a matter of fact. We still see each other regularly, and we talk all the time.

A few weeks ago, she started hanging out with a guy she's known casually for a while. She always tells me when she's seeing him, and she says that they're becoming good friends now. If it were just that, there would be no problem.

A few things complicate the matter. She generally sees this guy alone, usually at his place. I could be okay with that, but as I said, I've known this girl for a long time. She has confided in me a lot over the years about relationships, and I know she does have a track record of cheating. Now, for reasons I won't go into, I feel like things are different between us. By that, I mean that if she were going to to change and be totally faithful, I trust that it would be with me. But part of me can't help but wonder.

When she see's him, its generally late at night and she's generally drinking or drunk (by her own admission). I know for a fact that several times, she's been at his place until very early in the morning (if she ever came home at all), but I have no way of knowing when she leaves or what she's doing. She also has a number of control issues, and my main worry is that she might be doing illicit things just as a matter of circumstance.

I've brought up my discomfort in a very general way, but if she gets what I'm trying to say, she is sidestepping the issue. I feel like its too early to directly confront her about it. If I do, and she's innocent, trust issues are going to get very bad. If I do, and she's guilty, I'm not going to find out anything useful anyway.

I've investigated to a minimal degree and came up with nothing to put me at ease. Ideally, I wish I could know if she were telling me the truth about when she sees him, but I don't think I'm psycho enough to do anything that would put me in a position to get that information.

In short, I feel stuck. From where I am, I can't really do anything to put me at ease without jeopardizing the relationship.

Now, I know a lot of people would be inclined to say "dump her." That, I won't do without evidence. A lot of people will say "talk to her about it," and that's the best I can come up with for now, but I'd rather consider it a last resort. Is there anything else I can do to stop worrying?

If more info is required, something I've left out of the equation, let me know. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 10:11pm

I know girls who have acted this way before. I think she wants you to find out.

Maybe nothing has happened with this guy yet. But you'd be fooling yourself to deny that she's putting herself in a prime position to cheat on you. And she's doing it on purpose. She wants to pursue things with him and she wants you to be jealous about it. Because stirring your emotions makes you more interesting.

When things just don't feel right anymore, it's wise to look for a new prominent guy in her life. I'm sorry to say but every sign points to her intending to get closer to this guy she's with. If I hadn't done this at some sad point in my life myself, I might think you had a shadow of a chance with her, but you don't. You just barely started dating her and she's already interested in someone else. It seems her attention span is waning.

If you really want to talk to her then go ahead, but my educated guess would be that she'll deny it at first, she'll think your accusations that she's got something going on with this guy are "ridiculous" and then relatively soon afterward she dumps you for him.

She's priming herself to get with this other guy. I'm sorry. Again, if I hadn't been there before and known lots of others who have, I'd tell you something different.

Edited 10/18/2007 10:12 pm ET by eggbertshootsfire




Edited 10/18/2007 10:12 pm ET by eggbertshootsfire
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 10:29pm

Welcome to the boart t-square,


::When she see's him, its generally late at night and she's generally drinking or drunk (by her own admission). I know for a fact that several times, she's been at his place until very early in the morning (if she ever came home at all)


I added the part in from your previous paragraph, anyway this is not the behavior of someone 'in love' and in a committed relationship.... her behavior and choices are a recipe of disaster, in my opinion.


You will have to decide what you can live with and if you can trust her.





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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2007
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 10:29pm
Thanks for the quick reply. I've been thinking the same thing. Good to know I'm not just a suspicious prick, but I can't leave it at that. I've known her for so long that this goes beyond "girlfriend and boyfriend." Any idea what I could do about it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2007
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 10:33pm
I know her well enough to know that hanging out with other people (and other guys) is not unusual behavior. Believe me, I'm not blind to how this sounds. It sounds like she's cheating. If it were anyone else, I wouldn't torture myself. In this specific (and miserable) situation, I'm afraid I can't just jump to that conclusion.