Cheating Boyfriend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Cheating Boyfriend?
3
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 5:22am
My boyfrined and I have been living together for over a year and are planning on getting married next summer, but I have had the feeling he is in an emotional relationship with someone else. He started a new job in Feb. and he was in training for six weeks with one other woman. The spent all day together in a room by themselves and when he would come home it was all about her. Then they started going to lunch, just the two of them, and I asked him to stop doing that. It made me uncomfortable. And as far as I know he did, but they started going together with other people. I jokingly say things about it, like telling him he likes her and he gets defensive about it, but I am also serious about it, so he knows how I feel about it. Things had been fine and I hadn't thought about it, until recently I started getting feelings again. So I started checking email and phone calls. Today alone they talked a total of three times and went to lunch with her and two guys. See he quit his job and is working somewhere else, and has two weeks off. Today was the last day of his vacation, but the only day I checked his phone so who knows how much more he talks to her. He doesn't have her name saved in his phonebook, but the number was her work number and he seems to be keeping it a secret. I also found an email that a guy he worked with wrote him and said the "the other woman" had taken the day off and was probably at our house. So obviously other people think or know something is going on. I don't know what to do. I don't want to jump to conclusions, which is why I am trying to figure what's going on before I bring it up to him. If someone could give me some advice I would really appreciate it. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 2:20am
Wether or not he's fallen for her is secondary. What would send me out the door is the fact that he's lying to you and you can't trust him. Do you really want to spend years with a guy that would lie and sneak around? and then have other guys laughing at you behind your back talking about the other woman? As soon as you discovered that there is a cover up you should have realized you can't trust him. That's the real issue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 5:13pm
Give him this to read and see if he 'gets it'

Is it ‘just friends’ – or emotional infidelity?

Even though there’s no sex, you still could be unfaithful, marriage counselors warn.

By Kim Campbell

In the minds of many, the definition of marital infidelity is pretty straightforward: If you have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, you’ve cheated.

But marriage counselors are adding more gray to that definition by identifying non-physical ways of being unfaithful – such as forming attachments that rob a spouse of emotional intimacy.

These aren’t the bonds forged on a “girls’ night out,” but rather those formed between two co-workers who, for examples, share everything – their aspirations, their marriage woes – and keep the extent of their friendship a secret from their spouses.

“If you are skimming off the aspects of your inner life…and reserving them for your ‘friend,’ you are cheating your spouse of intimacy,” says William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.

Some experts have gone as far as to call this a new crisis of infidelity – one that is changing the way gender relationships are viewed. T hat’s the position taken by the late Shirley Glass, a researcher and family therapist whose last book was published earlier this year, before her death.

Glass found it wasn’t just thrill seekers or those unhappy in marriage who are prone to emotional cheating. “The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,” she wrote in “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.”

Today, there are greater opportunities for intimate relationships to form between men and women and for the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings to blur, she and others argue. Changes in the work force have brought more women into offices at all levels, and the Internet has made it far easier to quickly form bonds with strangers.

In both cases, it can be easy to meet someone and suspend reality. On the Internet, a contact can become a romanticized ideal without faults. And, in the office, an intriguing co-worker can seem more exciting than a spouse with whom you have to pay bills and fix plumbing.

“An emotional affair to me can be as damaging as a sexual affair, because an emotional connection is what people really want,” says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Desert and author of books on infidelity, including Internet relationships. The workplace is a particularly fertile ground for cheating, experts say. By some accounts, the office is replacing the local pub as the place where men and women meet – and cheat.

About 8 mission to 10 million new relationship are formed annually in offices, according to Dennis Powers, a professor of business law at Southern Oregon University in Ashland and author of the 1998 book “The Office Romance.”

That figure is for singles entering relationship, but the same environment might easily influence those who are married. Working closely together on a project, for example, can be enticing, as can simply being around someone every day who shares similar goals and aspirations. An “emotional affair” tends to involve sexual attraction – even if not acted on – and secrecy on the part of a married participant, therapists note. It can be difficult in the workplace to realize an emotional affair is developing, says Doherty, because there’s usually not a big event, like a sexual encounter, to signal that you’ve turned a corner. Even so, not everyone believes that interaction between men and women in the workplace spells disaster. “The mere fact that a person has friendships from work by itself can’t be considered unethical. The question is where it crosses the line,” Powers says.

Some observers note that the issue of emotional affairs is prompting new rules for gender relationships, but not everyone thinks more rules are the best idea. Laura Kipnis, author of the recent book “Against Love: A Polemic,” questions whether it is right for one partner to control another’s autonomy or intimacies too much. “To what extent is it ethical…that their movements or associates should be restricted to appease my own anxiety or insecurity?” she asks.

For her part, Glass offers a framework for separating home and work relationships, noting that fidelity is about maintaining appropriate boundaries. Among her suggestions: discuss relationship issues at home, don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person, discuss your online friendships with your partner, and surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who are committed to the idea of fidelity.

From “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass

WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE

Has your friendship become an emotional affair?

1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?

2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?

3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?

4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?

5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?

6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?

7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?

8. Are you in love with your friend?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 5:21pm
I am really sorry about what you are going through. But It has been my experience that you should always trust your feelings. If you think that something is going on and it is a constant feeling then most likely you are right. I think you should tell him how your feeling and if that doesnt help then I suggest you get out of the relationship. I know it may be hard but it will save you alot of heartach in the future.. Good luck