Cheating husband!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Cheating husband!
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 3:46am
My husband and I are currently seperated and he is seeing another woman.

We both agreed we do not want to call it quits after 18 yrs. We have been seperated 1 yr now, he says we will go to counceling but intill the year in a half is up he still wants to see this other woman while working on our marriage. He doesn't think he is cheating, in my eyes he is cheating he says he isn't because we are seperated. What do you think? He says he and this woman are just friends and it sexual just sex, but he tells me she is not a person he could fall for because she has no job 3 kids all by differnt fathers and she is a sister-in-law to a good friend of his. I am in California he is in Missouri, I just found out about this 2 wks ago. We talk twice weekly, September my son and I are moving back. But I am not sure as to what is going on in his head, wanting to work our marriage out and go to counceling but in the mean time he still wants to see this woman. This other woman knows im moving back and we are going to work our marriage out, but she keeps asking him if they can still stay good friends. When they first started seeing each other she agreed that she would step out of the picture if we decided to work our relationship out.I know this other woman we were friends and had gone out a couple of time for a girls night out along with 4 other woman. I my book she is scum now.

Does any one have any advice on what I should do ?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 8:21am

Yes, I have some advice. Don't get back together with your husband, especially if it means that YOU have to move across the country.

Anyone who is working on a relationship doesn't rationalize sleeping with someone else while he's doing it. He's not working on the relationship. He's biding his time screwing around until you come home, whereupon unfortunately he'll find some other rationalization for screwing around. The fact that he doesn't think this is cheating shows that he doesn't understand what it takes to mend a marriage; in fact it indicates he doesn't understand what the word "marriage" itself means.

Even if sleeping with this woman means nothing to him, the fact that he is handing YOU this load of hooey says not only that he doesn't value your intelligence, but that he has absolutely no shame. He feels entitled to fool around.

That's a worst-case scenario. Even the most habitual cheaters often have the decency to feel shame and apologize when caught. Your husband feels that sex outside of your relationship is what he's owed, and he's not sorry about it at all.

Unforutnately, this doesn't bode well for a reconciliation.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 9:17am
Move on.

He's not interested in working on your marriage if he's seeing another woman. He's interested in having his cake and eating it, too. He's not committed to you or your marriage. Regardless of whether or not you view this as cheating, (I do, personally, because you ARE still married), he is not focused on mending your marriage. How are you going to counselling if you live in different states? I wouldn't move back there. I'd stay in Missouri and just divorce your husband. Make a life in Missouri for you and your son. I live in Missouri, and there are plenty of good men here to find. You deserve someone better than him.

Good luck!