Cheating lover
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Cheating lover
| Fri, 08-20-2004 - 12:20pm |
I recently found out that my boyfriend of 5 years cheated on me last Thursday, with some woman he met off the internet 3 days prior to his infidelity. He's tried to call and email me twice this week. I want to take him back for fear of being lonely, but I also dont want his wrongdoing to go unpunished. Does anyone have any advice on how i should handle this?
Sincerely,
mixed feelings

Carrie
nope. no way.
go to the gym. get a tan. write him a letter telling him how you feel. burn it. then have drinks with your freinds. buy a new outfit. visit an animal shelter.
when my ex fiance cheated on me, all those things worked wonders for me. I was 20 yrs old. Began coaching a boys soccer team. Adopted a homeless puppy AND kitty , began working out and toned up again, focused on school. Made some new freinds. Took up rollerblading. I also made weekend road trips on my own studying history in the state I lived in.
When I found out he cheated on me I couldnt breathe. All those years of memories fell on me like two tons of bricks and I couldnt get up. I wanted so bad for him to say "i didnt do it. its not what you think. i love you. it was a mistake. we didnt go that far". but my gut knew better.
in the end... it was the best thing that ever happened to me. i now have the most wonderful husband in the world, the cutest and happiest dog , im in better shape, and a good education.
i know its hard now but focus on other things to improve the quality of your life. he wont change. its one things to get drunk at a party and a female freind takes it too far with your boyfreind. but what he did was pre-meditated. he was online talking to her, then he went out to meet her, then they hooked up, they had sex. who knows how long he was searching online before he scored her. how many girls has he tried this with?
go now. the last 5 years is a learning experience. you dont have to hate him. but get out now.
Thanks for your advice. He called me last fri, to go off on me about calling her. Before i knew it, I was yelling and screaming and calling him all kinds of names. My girlfriend and I went to his house to pick up whatever articles I had over his house. Now he's emailing and calling like nothing happend. My co-workers seem to think that he doesn't know what he did, that's why he's not trying very hard to make up w/me. which could be true, but for some reason i seem to think he had her on the phone when he called on fri.
i'm so hurt b/c if he chose someone whose he just met over our relationship, what does that have to say about the bond we shared/supposedly shared.
i'm so sorry to bombarding you w/my problems, but youre the only that's responded that's been through something similiar.
no.
no no no no no.
Dont listen to your co-workers. "Maybe he doesnt know what he did"??? Are you kidding me?
off course he knew what he did otherwise he wouldnt have tried to hide it from you in the first place. And the reason he isnt trying so hard to win you back is because he knows what a stupid d*** he is and how much better you are, he will call you... email you, etc etc to make sure not a day goes by that you are not forced to think of him *just incase* you fall emotionally and decide you need him and go crawling back yourself, but if that plan doesnt work- he's still got the internet sloozy. His plans are reversable.
There never was a bond between you two. The special things you shared with eachother was because of the beautiful things you brought into the relationship, like your smile, laughter, jokes, beauty, ideas, romance etc etc. Apparently you are a gleaming person, and he for that time couldnt help but feel the magic you had glowing all around you. What you saw in him was just a reflection of yoruself.
So why do you think he deserves to hang on to that? Give it to someone who appreciates it!
I am saying this all from the bottom of my heart because I've been there before. I had to let my ex cheat on me THREE times before i actually GOT it!
rule #1- dont ever try and convince yourself that "he doesnt understand" what he did. Ever.
rule #2- dont ever talk more than 3 minutes being torutred for three minutes a day is more than enough.
rule #3- remember his insecurities? ie, havent finished his degree, too much chest hair, too short, credit card debt, bad car... etc. Go find yoruself the hunkiest college boy/grad/ OR professor! who is 6' tall, tan and well-to-do and LOVES your smile... and make sure he hears about it.
Sara
Thanks for your advice. B and I have talked on a few occasions this past week. For the most part our conversations have been cordial almost fake in a way. i'm moving on the sept.1st and b was collecting boxes for me. i went to go and pick them up at his job yesterday, for a split second it felt good to see him again. then...i'm looking on his desktop and notice there's an email entitled let's talk. i asked him to open the email and he told me no, that he didn't what was in the msg (yeah right)and proceeded to shut down his computer. we had a minor argument in his office. after he finished putting the boxes in the car he told me he would see me later. i told him that i was not coming to his house and that i might consider coming over today.
well this morning, i'm checking his vm (i have his access code) and i heard her telling him what she was going to do for the day, that she wanted to see and talk to him. this message was different from all the other messages. almost as if he's talked to her, maybe even yesterday. immediately tears came to my eyes, i couldn't believe it! here i am heartbroken over what he's done and he still wants to talk to her! why? i called him back and asked him he talked to her yesterday, of course, he denied that he has.
i told him on mon. that i just wanted to be his friend and he wouldn't agree to it. now all of a sudden its for the best. do you think he now wants to be cool w/me b/c him and her have made up? made up? they were never together. i feel like such an idiot b/c i was starting to warm back up to him.
he states that his attempts to reconcile w/me has led to more criticism. i'm distant, angry, and hurt reasons that are well justified. he wants to know how i'm going to be mad at him. he wants to know that if he continue what's in head for us?
i dont know sara, part of me dont want to loose him. part of me only wants to get back to him b/c i think he still might be talking to her. i know that's not a good reason, and i know that i dont ever want to feel this pain again. its so hard. i wish i could say send me a sign, but i think the writings on the wall. what do you think?
hun -
at first I was giving you advice based on the the insinuation that you were developing reasons to move on, get over this guy, that you knew better, etc. I was under the impression that you came to this board for support in taking the next steps toward a new life.
now it seems as though you want support in winning him back. in spying on him, checking up on him. in competing with this other woman. it seems as though you want someone to agree with you that what you are doing is okay and say "i know you miss him, its okay. and damn straight you should check his email".
no way.
to be honest. after reading your last post I nearly didnt even respond bc your behavior is almost out of line! he is NO LONGER your boyfreind. there is NO relationship there. he has no respect for you, doesnt care about you, is carrying on a romp with another girl who is leaving him emails and voicemails and he KNOWS you have access to this. btw- WHY do you have access to his voicemails? I dont even have access to my husbands voicemail... seriously... i trust him and would NEVER ever ever snoop into his vm.
1- yes he cheated on you. but if you feel you have to be checking his voicemails there is another underlying issue there that defeats any purpose for a soild relationship. there will never be one. ever. not as long as you feel you need to be checking his vm's or emails. much less ordering him to open his email in front of you?
2- HE IS STILL CARRYING ON WITH HER AND DOESNT PLAN TO STOP! what other kind of sign do you need?????? either you LIKE to torture yourself or you just do NOT have one salvagable drop of self esteem left in your head. what do you think he is telling this girl about you? what do you think she knows about you?
this is what she knows:
That is what she knows... because THAT is what he is telling her... I am 99% positive of this. Trust me, i've been through it.. .and know way too many guys who pull the same game. So her reaction? she is going to hate you even more and fight even harder for her new man. then he is going to step aside and let you two catfight over him and look like the innocent one. meantime he's playing you like a grand piano "i really care about you... it was so good to see you... you really look good" bla bla bla.
This is NOT a f*****g Lifetime made-for-tv movie where Tiffany Amber Theissan gets the man of her dreams in the end. this guy is
Thanks for being brutally honest. I did come to this board for support. I too, know that its wrong for me to have access to his vm (he's doesn't know) and believe me, i think its more of a curse than a blessing. honestly, i'm not really sure if i want him back at this point. i do know that i dont want to compete for his affection, or with the other woman. i still have alot of anger and resentment towards him. i am trying/looking for ways to move on.
my wounds are still fresh and i know in time they will heal.
So, this lesson is for you – are you going to react to this painful situation by rising above it and creating a better life for yourself or do you need to go back for more painful lessons in order for YOU to make positive decisions for your life.
Forget about punishing him. Forget about the fact that he chose to be with her at the expense of your relationship. These are things for him to deal with in the long run. How you handle what happened and whether or not you choose to make something positive out of it is YOUR lesson in life and will determine whether you are ready to move forward on a positive path. I hope you leave this loser in the dust and choose to create a better life for yourself, because let me tell you – it is hard having to go back & repeat the same painful lesson until you ‘get it’! I’m 40+ and I know!
Good luck.
One day soon, I'll be able to look back and won't feel the hurt and pain he caused.
Thank you for your advice.