Cheating without sex???

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Cheating without sex???
10
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 11:07pm
My husband is texting another female all the time. Obviously I know about it, but he tries really hard to keep it from me. When I question him about it, he blows up...so I keep it bottled up inside. I am to the point that divorce keeps entering my mind. I know that he isn't having sex with her, or that he even sees her. There isn't a minute in the day that he isn't accounted for. My question is, should I be okay with him texting someone else? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 12:27am
Feel free to link to the Cyber-Cheating and Emotional Affairs board via my siggie. What you are describing sounds like an Emotional Affair. It is NOT okay. You need to set some boundaries for yourself. If he's not able to live with your boundaries for yourself, perhaps this isn't the right man for you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 2:13am
People with innocent intentions don't go to great lengths to hide their actions, and then blow up when they're found out. That's the sign of a classic cheater. He may not be having sex with her, but he probably intends to. This text relationship is not platonic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2007
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 7:25am
i found explicit emails on my boyfriends account..when i asked him about them he says they are from an ex lover & were flirty fun emails...says he doesnt want an affair with her again.He was angry that i accessed the account.we`ve been together over 12 months but will live hundreds of miles away & can only see each other ocassionally.says he loves me & wants to live with me.I have no secrets from him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 8:29am
I don't understand. Are you saying that the original poster has nothing to worry about, or that you have some anxieties about the situation with the explicit emails? I would have trouble describing explicit emails as "fun and flirty"--they would sound more like "testing the waters" to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2007
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 9:08am
No wasnt saying she had nothing to worry about.Was just saying what i have had found out about my chap in the last 3 days...hoping that someone would help me as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 10:38am

Do you think someone who really loves you needs to secretly send explicit Emails to his ex-girlfriend?

Exes are tricky people to deal with, because on one hand your partner can say "I've already been there and I know I don't want to go back" but really, they are the easiest people to cheat with. That comfort level has already been established, and it's common for someone to think, subconsciously, that it doesn't really "count" because sleeping with her again isn't going to raise the count of people he's had sex with.

I'm ashamed to admit this but I've been there, a long time ago.

Of course it's possible to have pure intentions and friendships after dating, but all I can say is be wary of exes. The distance between you two is not going to work in your favor with this. I think you should vow to stop reading his Email but he also needs to be confronted about this and you should tell him that you're not going to accept him writing explicit Email to other women. Being in love with someone should NEVER trump your ability to stand up for yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 11:57am

I agree with you, Egg--this situation sounds like trouble to me. Why would he be sending fun and flirty emails to the ex if he weren't planning (or at least fantasizing about) some flirty fun with her?

Jaz, the fact that you're going to be long-distance soon does not improve the situation. I wish I weren't so pessimistic here, but it sounds like he's already setting up something for while you're away.




Edited 7/15/2007 11:58 am ET by geoteo
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2007
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 1:43pm
mmm i see where u are all coming from & everything u have posted has crossed my mind..hes always known that i had password 2 his email account as i set it up for him in the beginning.So hes always known that i could access the account..i`ve said i wouldnt go into the account again,but the reason i went into in 1st place was to get an address of a mutual friend.He agrees that he would have reacted the same if he had seen emails of that kind in my account..we are in the planning stages of moving in together soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 2:16pm
Would that be before or after the long-distance part of your relationship?


Edited 7/15/2007 2:17 pm ET by geoteo
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 12:08am
we are long distance now.