checked his email

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
checked his email
10
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 1:50pm
I AM NEW TO THIS SITE LOOKING FOR ALL THE ADVISE I CAN GET ME AND MY BOYFRIEND HAVE BEEN WITH EACHOTHER FOR FOUR AND AHALF YEARS WE HAVE HAD OUR UP AND DOWNS LIKE EVERY RELATIONSHIPS BUT ON 8/27/04 I WENT INTO HIS EMAIL ACCOUNT WHICH I SHOULD HAVE NOT BUT I SEEN A EMAIL THAT HE HAD RESPONSED TO FROM A OLD GIRLFIREND FORM A LONG TIME AGO THE EMAIL HAD ASKED HIM ABOUT HIS LIFE IN GENERAL AND HE ASKED HER IF SHE WAS SEEING ANYONE AND THAT HE WAS NOT TRYING TO GET ALL INTO HER PERSONAL INFORMATION SO I GO HOME AND ASKED IF HE HAD TALKED TO ANYONE THE GIRL HAS HIS CELL PHONE NUMBER SO I WAS CURIOUS OF WHAT IS GOING ON HE STATES THAT OF COURSE IT WAS NOT HIM WE DO NOT HAVE A COMPUTER AT HOME AND THE EMAIL WAS SENT WHEN IT WAS AT HOME SO I AM SO CONFUSED DO I THINK THAT HE IS SEEING HER OR DO I LET IT GO PLEASE HELP ME I LOVE HIM WE HAVE A TWO YEAR DAUGHTER BY THE WAY I JUST NEED SOME ADVISE WHAT DO TO


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 2:57pm
First - why did you go into his e-mail? - it is a very dishonest thing to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 3:04pm
i know that it was dishonest and i have to deal with that as well and i hate that i did that
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 3:06pm
But WHY did you do it?

In other words, are there other things that have been going on that you are not including or are you just naturally insecure?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 3:16pm
i mean i was the one who always got excused of cheating on him 24hrs a day i was doing when in doubt it was him so that is why i guess i checked the account
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 3:30pm
Well, you haven’t presented any wrong doing on his part. He has a right to his friends and that includes anybody that he had a relationship with in the past. So if she contacts him and he responds, there is nothing wrong with that and it isn’t really any of your business. And if he wants to contact her and just say hello, that is also fine and you don’t have a say in that. As long as he isn’t trying to re-ignite the relationship – but based on what you wrote, I don’t see that he was trying to do that.

As far as him constantly accusing you of cheating on him 24/7, that is a bigger problem. Either he doesn’t trust you because you have given him reason not to trust you (I’m not accusing you, just laying out all of the possibilities), or he is extremely insecure and is dumping his issues on you. Both are bad and destructive. I suppose it is also possible that he is cheating on you right and left and that he is projecting his bad behavior onto you and that is why he keeps accusing you of cheating. I was once in a relationship where this happened. But you didn’t give any indication that this could be going on.

I wouldn’t give the e-mail a second thought. But I would address the issue of him accusing you of constant cheating because this is going to destroy your relationship sooner or later, when you finally get tired of defending yourself against baseless accusations. This is not a healthy relationship at this moment.




Edited 8/30/2004 3:32 pm ET ET by jschaedler

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 3:52pm
i understand that i should have not went through the email and i understand that i cant do anything about him calling her or anything i guess my point was if there was nothing to hide he could gave her our home number after i went to him about we left it alone i guess he said he didnt send the email and he was like i love you and we have been engaged going on three years in jan this all happend on friday and then on saturday we went to his family house we was all sweet and all like nothing happend and brought up the subject that we have been engaged too long and that he loved me and wanted to get married we even are getting a house together that is why i am so confused but i love that man with all my heart but if thinking correctly i should let it go and move on
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 4:37pm
As far as him not having her call at home, he may simply not be comfortable doing that. He may know that it would make you uncomfortable having her call your home so he just doesn't want to deal with that plus doesn't want to make you feel sad. It would be great if everybody could all hug and get along, but that isn't often the way it goes. I have an ex (broke up 4 years before I met my SO) that I am still friends with that my SO knows about but doesn't like. I have been very honest about this friendship (I have nothing to hide and I refuse to give up any of my friends for a man) but I never allow him to call the house because it makes my SO uncomfortable. He knows we communicate (I haven't hidden that fact) but he just doesn't want it in his face. Which is fine with me.

I don't really understand the thing you wrote about 'the message being sent from home'. I'm not sure what that means.

But if there isn't anything else at all that you can see, I would forget about this. Or what you can do, is tell him very nicely that you just want him to know that you are perfectly fine with him choosing to remain friends with his ex and that you are totally comfortable with having her call the house. Whether or not he does it depends on how comfortable he is with it and whether or not he believes you when you say it is ok. If he senses that you are just saying that and don't mean it, then he definitely won't do it.

But, like I said, if there isn't anything else but this, then I wouldn't think about it anymore because there was absolutely nothing damaging in the e-mail. She didn't say anything like 'the other night was great' or 'when can you get away'. It sounded like a harmless e-mail. So enjoy planning your wedding!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 4:41pm
ABOUT THE MESSAGE BEING SENT FROM HOME WAS THAT WE DONT HAVE A COMPUTER AND THE EMAIL WAS SENT WHEN HE WAS AT HOME WITH OUR DAUGHTER THAT IS WHY HE STATES THAT HE NEVER SENT I JUST WANTED HIM TO BE HONEST THAT WAS ALL
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 5:02pm
I still don't understand. If you don't have a computer, then how can he have sent the e-mail from home? Did you mean at work he doesn't have a computer?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 8:29am
no we dont have one at home or he does not have one at work