Choosing between my mother or husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Choosing between my mother or husband
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 2:57pm
My mother was diagnosed with Leukemia one year ago. After 2 months in the hospital, she went into remission. Last week the cancer came back. This time her treatment/recovery will be longer and harsher than before with less chance of remission.

This news came just a few days after I had moved across the country to be with my husband of 3 years. He and I had problems and have been separated for the past 10 months. With my mother's condition, I felt very conflicted about the move. I left behind all my family, friends and relatives to try and make a new life with my husband. But, he and I are still having problems, making it hard to justify being so far away from my mother. I'm confused about his true feeling toward me. At times, my husband really seems to appreciate that I'm here, and is very caring and sweet toward me. But, other times he picks fights over nothing, criticizes me for the smallest things, and just acts like I've disrupted his happy single life...and some of the things he says are so hurtful.

On the one hand I want to keep trying to work things out with him, he has his good side and our relationship has things that are worth fighting for. But, I am feeling so sad and guilty about being away from my mother right now. She has always been there for me, and is an incredible person....she would never ask me to come back no matter how badly she wanted me to, she has always put everyone else's interests before her own. Going back just for extended visits isn't an option either, due to the distance, work, and finances, so I have to choose between moving back or staying with my husband. I'm scared of losing my husband....I waited months to be with him again and we have so many plans in place, and with the shaky ground we are on, if I move back now, I know it will be the end this time -- for good. But, I'm also very scared that my mother's time here is now limited, and I don't want to waste it by being far away from her.

Please, I'd appreciate your opinions on this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 3:03pm
Is there really a choice?? Your mother is ill and she may not be here for much longer. If your husband is worth anything he would understand this and wait for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 3:27pm
I'm so sorry that you're dealing with such a sad situation. How difficult it must be for you. But, you should ask yourself some hard questions. Do you believe that your husband is putting in much effort to make your shaky marriage more stable? Do you think he really wants it to work? Saying hurtful things to you and acting as if you're disrupting his "single" life doesn't sound like it. He's not single, and has no right to resent you for that. You can't make your marriage work unless he's fully committed, unless he wants it to work as much as you do, and you can't give 100% and make it work unless he's doing that as well. If you think there's a strong chance that your marriage will fail because he's not making the effort it takes, it probably won't survive even if you stay. It's a tough decision, but talk it out with him - see how he responds - selfishly or lovingly? That might help you decide. Best wishes and prayers for your mom.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 12:01pm
I am sorry for the difficult times you must be having right now. to my way of thinking - there is no *choice* here - I would just go and spend the time with my mother. you are saying that you don't know if she will make it this time. she is your MOTHER. I wish that I would have ONE MORE HOUR to spend with my mother.... my mother died 17 years ago, and I was pregnant at the time, and we all spent as much time as we could with her, and as hard as it was = I wish I could have spent even more time with her.

I hope your mom does make, but you never know.

if your marriage cannot withstand a 6 month or 12 month separation - then you don't have a marriage...