Choosing between two men

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2003
Choosing between two men
12
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 2:57pm
I am currently in the middle of my divorce. My husband is a great guy. Handsome, trustworthy, and adores me. He is also boring, cheap and paid more attention to the dogs than to me. Every time I wanted to buy something for our house, or wanted to do something fun, I would have to pay for it (and come up with the ideas) because he "never had money" even though he made more than me and everything in the house was split 50-50. I decided to leave him because I felt like I was buried alive. We never did anything on the weekends and had very few friends. He never complimented me, and never listened to what I had to say. I would always had to give him ultimatums in order to make him react. When I decided to leave, he asked me to go to counseling, so we did. For a whole year we talked to a counselor. My husband would change for a month and go back to his old ways after that. I met someone who put me on a pedestal. I was fascinated. This new guy brought excitement back to my life. I ended up cheating on my husband and he found out. He told everyone and their mother what I had done. Even after all this, he still wanted me back. I decided to move on with my life. My relationship with this other person ended way before my husband found out. I had decided I was going to try and be happy with my husband and accept the life he had to offer. When my husband found out about my affair, I figured this was my opportunity to get out of this "trap". He moved away and I stayed behind.

I met someone else and we started dating. This guy is just the opposite of my husband. He loves to have fun, he listens to me, puts me on a pedestal, but is a big time spender and not very responsible. He has also lied to me. The relationship was a little rocky at the beginning and I started to compare him to my husband a lot. I went to see my husband a couple of weeks ago, and I felt like I missed my old life with him terribly. I asked him to try and work things out. He agreed. The new guy is also offering me the world. He doesn't know I went to see my husband. He wants us to have a future together and I know he would do anything to make me happy. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I don't want to hurt my husband again. Getting back together with my husband is going to be difficult because I won't be able to face his friends and family who now hate me because of what I did.

I need all the help you can give me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 4:05pm
Erin,

I love your second posting. I can totally identify with you. I am not looking for Mr. Perfect. Just for someone who will appreciate how much I have to give and that will love me and is willing to show me that he loves me, but not because I'm about to walk out. I crave affection and go for the first person who gives me just a little bit of it.

Yes, I agree that I didn't give myself time to grieve or to get over the divorce. I think my fear of being by myself after so many years (8) took over me and I jumped into a relationship with someone who was there offering me his support and a different perspective in life. I should have stayed by myself until I figured out what I really wanted to do with my life. Unfortunatly that wasn't the case.

I felt like I had to see my husband one more time before my divorce hearing (which is in one week) to make sure I wasn't making a mistake. I didn't tell the other guy because the last thing I wanted to do was hurt his feelings. The other guy and I are not together anymore. I told him after the weekend with my husband that I needed time to figure out what I wanted. He said he understood, but is putting a lot of pressure on me to make a decision. He wants to move forward with the relationship.

So, here I am, with two guys I care about, and hurting myself for fear of hurting either one of them more than I already have.

Lilypie First Birthday tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 4:28pm
You know what - you can't hurt them if you let them both go. Tell them both it's over...and move on.

Here's why....you're not a complete person. YOu want someone to adore and admire, accept and provide for you becuase you don't perceive you can do that on your own.

You haven't got a "great life by your own efforts, means, definitions, and standards" - what yyou do is seek "a life" by having a partner and you jump full bore into whatever they do and want so that you'll "have a life".

And neither of these guys is right for you...unless what you want is to continue to be an adjunct, and an add-on with vicarious living as a method of living your life.

Because you attracted these guys by giving everything you had, and adoring everything they did...that's precisely waht a great relationship is to them. And you're sitting here now saying "wait, my goal can't be just to give, adore, worship and prioritize you"...and unfortunately, what I kinda of hear you saying is "but I'd do that if you'd worship, adore, prioritize, and give back to me".

Unfortunately, taht won't work. While they might adore and prioritize you now while "being with you is easy"...if you were to self-actualize wht would happen is you'd begin meeting yoru own needs appropriately, you'd get a more objective view of your own abilities, talents, options, and worth...you wouldn't be the damsel in distress they wanted to rescue...and as a result you wouldn't consider them the white knights in shining armor you consider them to be now.

Take it from me, you can't choose a partner based on shared interests, values, goals, definitions of a great life and how to achieve it- until you're complete as a n individual. Till then, you're just choosing a partner based on the needs of the moment, and as situation change your needs and priorities will change and then the partner yo have - won't be the partner you want.

Nobody can respect, admire, accept, and understand you - ntil you have done those things for yourself and created a complete, full, independent, successful, secure happy life for yourself - so that your values and priorities and goals are evident to everybody, and yo won't sacrifice everyting that you've achieved just to have "something".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Pages