Christmas w/ bf & his love of fem cousin
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| Mon, 12-17-2007 - 5:10am |
My boyfriend Lee is early 50s (never married), I am mid 40s (married briefly 23, divorced never remarried). We have been dating almost a year.
We have have a wonderful relationship that formed naturally and healthy. We discussed commitment before I opened my heart to him. I asked a number of times if he had any other women in his life. I have had a rocky road of relationships in life ending in loss and betrayals by men. He assured me he did not.
Lee is very caring, kind, considerate to me and does many thoughtful things. We do not co-habitate but we spend every weekend together and occasionally a week night. Our energy blends well and we feel so close when we are together and all feels right in the world.
A few months into our relationship Lee casually mentioned a "kissing" cousin, Gina. He then mentioned paying for and taking Gina on vacation to Las Vegas after her divorce, where they shared a room together, just the two of them. He also admitted that for years he had told her very intimate information regarding his alternative sexual tastes and escapades with others to Gina. Lee lives about 3 hours from cousin Gina. To me ... this felt very, very wrong.
My intuition went off with bells and whistles. I told him that was disturbing to hear. I became suspicious and he reacted very odd, and ever since he has become defensive and angry with me if Gina comes up. He insists that she was only a friend and close family. He chastised me, how could I think he had physical intimacy with her. Did I truly not trust him and think he had no character. He stated he would never do anything inappropriate with her. (Sorry I do not sense that). I've trusted my gut intuition my entire life and it has been correct 99.9% of the time. This is not sitting well in my heart.
Lee also deletes all of his yahoo email from everyone in his in-box and archives. When Lee visits my home both of my computers stay available open and typically two (2) email accounts are minimized and easily read if he ever was inclined. I have nothing to hide.
Lee has been in AA for 23 years and tells me Gina helped him get through that time period. Gina, as I found out yesterday from one of Lee's family members, is a narcotics addict. She divorced after it was found out that Gina used her husband pharmacist's script pad to forge narcotic scripts and filled them all over Chicago. Her husband almost had his license revoked and lost his job.
Gina would never admit she had an addiction and go to Narc Anony and I suspect Lee became her one-man support group on all fronts and committed himself to her forever.
This cousin has alienated her mother, father, sister, immediate family, has no friends or boyfriend and emotionally unstable.
Recently she has had some health issues and has told him intimate details about problems with her vulva, clitoris, uterus. She was trying to get him to visit her saying none of her family would care for her. I found out she contacts him quite frequently but he does not share that with me due to my reaction regarding the disturbing bond they have had for years. When we first started dating he drove to Chicago (3 hours) on a Friday night to take her to an elaborate dinner after visiting me. Then, I did not realize the extent of the relationship and thought she was married…Of course he spent the night. (Makes me ill).
Things were dicey when he went to a suburb outside of Chicago (45 min drive) for Thanksgiving and I had to stay to work. I knew he would see her and he spent 3 nights and days there at his parents’ home. He was picking her up from her sister’s home (amazing in the same suburb) and driving her to her new apartment after Thanksgiving with his family. (I believe he helped her get the new apt.)
She caused a big ruckus with her family’s Thanksgiving about a dish that was not made and called him to pitch a fit saying she wanted to come to his family's home, (aunt/uncle). He spent a long time calming her down then picked her up at her mother and father’s home and took her to see his father and stepmother. Apparently she did not stay long, but he will not share any details. He discovered the next day that she had her sister drive her back 45 mins to her apartment and took a number of Xanax. (Her drug of choice).
Lee and Gina fought over the phone and he would not visit her on his drive back out of town when she was taking narcotics. She became very angry at him. But she was emailing him within a week. He tells me he knows how to “handle” Gina and to trust him. He is oblivious to the fact that Gina "handles" HIM. He also stated that their rifts and upsets never last long.
This past week I felt a lot of negative energy for some reason. We argued about Gina again since she emailed stating she was going into surgery this week and none of her family cared, etc… I wanted to email or send her an Ecard wishing her the best. He would not agree, saying I did not like her and did not care, it must be for some malicious reasons. (I have never been malicious and he knows this) I found two (2) emails that he would normally delete but had her new address on it. She was very short and ugly to him. He told her “he still cared so very much for her…” signed it “he loved her.” She also wanted his address for her apartment management. This is odd since the woman moved in the first of July.
She also seems to care less about me and will ignore any reference to me. I was so upset, when his close family member dropped me an email I inquired if she would respect confidentiality if I asked her a question. She said yes. When I posed the question about Lee and Gina’s relationship she wanted me to call her right away.
I did so and I hoped and prayed that she would tell me I was all wrong in my perceptions. She did not… she confirmed most all of my fears. Apparently, the entire immediate family through the years has been suspicious and concerned about the impropriety of Lee and Gina’s relationship. I suspected he had people confront him about her in the past and that is why he was so protective and defensive about her and their “friendship” with me. I was right, as much as I wish I was wrong.
I was told that even his father had a private discussion more than once with Lee about the appropriateness between he and his cousin, Gina. Lee would remain defiant, indignant and deny every question. His stepmother, sister, brother-in-law, her family, all suspect they are intimate and they are breaching impropriety. (Breaks my heart). Of course Lee acts like no one has ever thought these things but ME and I have to let it go or it would destroy our relationship. He stated he wanted us to be all we could be together, he was looking towards a future together with me…I think Gina found this out. I feel so much negative energy from Lee now that I absorb it when we are together and feel almost ill at times.
Apparently, for a lifetime, Lee would spend more than an appropriate amount of time with Gina (like a couple dating) when he had no girlfriend in his life. The family member stated he uses Gina as a substitute partner. They stated Gina hates any woman that comes into Lee’s life because he stops the gifts, monetary contributions, expensive dinners, hiking, vacations, etc…they confirmed my worst fear, that every one of Lee’s relationships have ended because of his choosing Gina over his girlfriends. I had wondered why he had never married..he was already married to Gina in so many ways.
The family member was so apologetic, stating Gina would always be in his life and always there on the outside of the family circle beckoning him. That he would never give her up, that the entire family, out of concern has tried to convince him to lead his life without her so he could have a significant partner in his life. He has stated to me that he is committed to Gina "like" he is to me. I asked him straight forward if I took precedence, he said yes. (I do not think I believe this). The family member also told me that they always go off alone together at family events, visits, gatherings. He is defensive and secretive about their interaction.
I told Lee the only way I would feel better is if I met Gina. He has already asked me to Christmas at his family's home and stated he wanted me to meet all of his family. He is scared of what I may say if I meet Gina. He asked me what will happen if I get a bad feeling about them or Gina. He thinks I am going to meet her with animosity and to show Gina he is mine. (God forbid) I think Gina senses he cares for me deeply and she is quite bitter about it. I was told that Gina has hated all of the women he has tried to build a life with and eventually behind a smiling facade, manipulates things causing very bad issues, eventually breaking up Lee and any potential life partner.
In my opinion, Lee made a conscious choice to bond deeply and spiritually (if not physically) to a very destructive, selfish, negative woman that truly does not wish him to be happy with another woman. She wants him to be with her, but the family would and does frown on that.
Gina knows how to manipulate Lee very effectively by her drug use to get his attention. He has defended her saying she has controlled it herself…and does not abuse narcotics anymore. When I asked him how he could know that living 3 hours away, he got more defensive of her.
Family member told me Gina is my size, quite petite, and a brunette with long hair, similar to mine. The family knows she has psychological issues, very manipulative, negative and self-centered. No one in the family likes her, as they see what she truly is and how she manipulates Lee. Lee is very prideful of his AA sobriety and his ability to help addicts…Sadly, Lee is in denial about the poisonous effect Gina has in his life.
I know in my heart the odds of him walking away from Gina, his dysfunctional partner all of his life, are likely Zero. I know I cannot live with this “friendship” as he refers to it and have him keep me uninformed and secretive about her. I thought I may be able to just try and trust him and not ask questions. That is when he told me he appreciated my trying and he was committed to me just like her. That I had to remember they had a lifetime of mutual friends (I doubt it) and family. I think he is looking for a girlfriend partner that will accept his dysfunctional love and commitment to this woman, Gina. I doubt that a girlfriend want that in her life. None have so far.
Lee also swears I am not sharing him with his cousin, Gina, but I am. I want a partner that is devoted and loving to me with no other woman, kissing cousin or not. I want his heart, spirit, and life long commitment. Apparently from his family's point of view, Gina manipulates him quite proficiently. Now he hides all information regarding her or he sensors the information selectively so that it will not cause problems between us. He does the same with his family.
I really need some affirmation or reason I am wrong in what I am feeling. Am I being jealous and unreasonable as he quickly points out. Lee will never feel any issues between us are his fault or Gina’s fault, it will always be my fault.
I appreciate your time in reading about my situation. It is unnerving and affecting me physically, emotionally, as well as in every day life at this point. We were so happy, I was assured there was no woman in his life and now a grenade has dropped at my feet. I tried to ask all the right questions before we became serious and felt such a love for each other. (I thought love). He was not honest or lied to himself about how Gina has destroyed his relationships for years.
I had no idea there was a woman in his life that he loves, that he committed to and that he supports forever. He knew my history, he knew about the emotional destruction of my prior 7 year relationship and my choice to be a hermit and not date for 10 years after.
He still neglected to tell me about Gina.

I don't blame you for feeling lied to, and essentially that you are sharing your guy with another woman.
You're right, there's something very strange and off-kilter about his relationship with his cousin.
Is this relationship a deal-breaker to you? before you go any further you need to decide if you can live with it even if he is unable or unwilling to compromise regarding the terms of their friendship.
It is a deal breaker. I should not have to live with his secretive defense of their "love friendship." Would you wish to live in that type of relationship? Always holding your tongue, never getting all the information, calls/emails manipulation. It is just a shame as we had every other aspect going for us. There is a reason ever single girlfriend throughout his life walked away from him due to the cousin. I could be wrong of course, but the weight of the facts so far and his reactions are already unacceptable.
I am hoping to get some good feedback on this situation and I sincerely thank you for your thoughts. I need other eyes for clarity of vision on this, to gauge whether I am reacting to things the way he tells me I am. I swore I would never get into a relationship/situation with female issues (from past experience) but apparently the cycle has found me within one yet again.
Welcome to the board igana,
Sorry you are going through this.
"There is a reason ever single girlfriend throughout his life walked away from him due to the cousin. "
You are most likely right. And no, I wouldn't want to live in a relationship like that.
This is very understandably a deal-breaker for you, and obviously he's not going to change. If you're looking for a way for your relationship to work out where you are both happy and satisfied, I'm afraid there is no answer.
A guy can be "perfect, but..." and still not be good enough. We've all been there.
He probably neglected to tell you about Gina because of the familial relationship.