COCAINE AND MY BOYFRIEND

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
COCAINE AND MY BOYFRIEND
3
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 1:38am
I know that this message is long but I REALLY NEED THE ADVICE:

After months of insisting that i HATE my boyfriends' one a weekend habit of doing coke while partying, tonight i brought it up thinking that we could possibly talk about it rationally seeing as when we've fought about it bofore i've been drunk and hes been drunk and probably high.

So we ended up fighting about it again tonight and he brought up a situation totally unrelatted that happened a few months back using it as his defense; saying that if he can over look it (i flirted with his cousin , innocently, but still it was wrong the way i did it)that i should have to 'deal with it'too and that its my problem not his. Eventually he gave in and promised that he wasnt going to do it again.

My problem is that i feel as though he resents me for having threatned leaving him and as a result he "gave in" . i didnt want him doing it, but i wanted him to stop because it bothered me so much, on his own meritt. i dont think that he understands the severity of he concequences of cocaine.

And for me it really bothers me, not only because it can do some serious damage but because it literally disgusts me and makes me nautious the mental picture of him doing a line.

~Was i wrong to have given him this ultimadum? Should i have accepted it unconditionally and let him make his own decision? And how dangerous is cocaine?

how would you feel if you were him?

*P L E A S E H E L P ! ! !*

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 5:20am
I agree with you that cocaine is a pretty nasty drug - and people doing it don't realize how gross they look under the influence. But I have done it in my past - and I seriously doubt that somebody (even my husband at the time) giving me an ultimatum would have made a difference if that's what I had really wanted to do. Yes, perhaps at the time, I would have promised never again, but the reality would have been that had I been in the right (or wrong, depending on how you look at it!) place at the right time and it was offered, I would have probably gone ahead and done it.

Look, you can't make somebody stop doing drugs if that's what they want to do.. You have to decide what you can live with... Trying to control somebody's actions through the issuance of ultimatums is not a good way to go - and it rarely works, anyway.

Yes, you either need to accept that your boyfriend will make his own decision in terms of what he puts into his body, or you need to decide that this is a dealbreaker for you and you don't want to be involved with somebody with a regular cocaine habit.

Is it dangerous? It can be VERY dangerous - heart attacks, high blood pressure, damage to the nasal cavity, amongst other things. Will any of those things happen to your boyfriend - it depends how much of it he does on his 'party night'. If he's still doing lines at seven am, well, yes, then potentially it could be very dangerous - if he does a few lines over the course of an evening, then that's something different. But cocaine is a stimulant and stimulants can be very dangerous if they are abused.

This is a tough one. I wish you luck.

Peace - Pebbles

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 1:44pm
The bottom line is that you have to decide what you are willing to accept in your life and what you aren't willing to accept - and then make your decisions accordingly.

The fact is that the man you are with does cocaine. Are you willing to accept his cocaine use? If yes, then continue seeing the man and stop bringing it up. If no, then stop seeing him. You don't have to accept drug use in your life if you don't want to. There are plenty of people in the world who don't use drugs.

As for ultimatums in general, I don't like them. The whole "do this or I am gone" thing doesn't sit well with me. If there are things you can't accept in a relationship, then just end the relationship. I believe that you either have to accept people the way they are or not be involved with them. It is unfair to expect people to change to suit your needs or desires.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 1:52am
If I were in your exact situation RIGHT NOW, I don't think I could say much to him as long as he wasn't doing lines in front of me and we weren't hurting financially- anything else would make me a hypocrite. I know you want him not to do it just because you don't like him doing it, but come on, you can't really be OK with it for a long time and then all the sudden decide you don't like it anymore so he needs to not do it. If you've put up with it for this long (and I don't know if you have participated or not), it's highly unlikely that he will stop without the ultimatum. Sorry, but this is how things work, and if he continues to use you will just have to decide if you will stay or not. I know I am not much help, but this is a difficult situation to me because I have been there before, and I know how it is.