Cold feet or something else?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Cold feet or something else?
1
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 2:49pm
First of all, I am new here, and I have been reading a lot of your posts. Thank you for the help you have given me just through those! It's comforting to know I am not alone.

Second, my situation. I am engaged to be married in a few months. Plans are set, all that is left is the little things. Well, I am all of a sudden wondering whether or not I want to marry this man. There are many things going through my head. Here are some of them

We have been together a little over two years. We used to be sexually active, but have not been in over a year due to a medical problem, as well as religious reasons. Despite the reasons, the sexual attraction seems to be pretty much gone. It has gotten to the point that I don't even remember the last time that we shared a romantic kiss. He asked me the other day if he turned me on and I told him no. I don't remember the last time we were passionate about anything. And, now that I look at it, even when we had sex, it was good, but I don't remember it ever being PASSIONATE. I have also realized that I don't think it's the relationship that lacks passion, he is just not a passionate person. He is ok with status-quo and has no drive to go after anything. When we met, I was the agressor. In bed, it was the same way. I have told him that he needs to be more aggressive, but it doesn't come natural for him, so it is a very big turn-OFF.


We barely say 'I love you'. We don't see each other during the week. And, if we don't talk for a day, it's no big deal. We have been bickering about rediculour things, such as whether a color should be looked at in natural or artifical light to get an idea for the real color it will be in the wedding pictures. We annoy each other beyond belief. And, instead of saying, "Honey, maybe we should go see a counselor", he says, "Do you want to call the wedding off?"

I am finding that it seems as if he is going from one mom to the next; meaning, he lives at home still and is in his early 30's, and has never moved out on his own. He will be then moving in with me when we get married. He doesn't know how to cook or clean. At his parents house, his room is so dusty, there is about a half inch of dust on everything. His excuse, "I hate to dust." And, his laundry habits are rediculous....he does all of his laundry, throws it in a basket, and then digs through the basket until he can't decipher between clean and dirty, and he washes all the clothes again. He used to ALWAYS wear wrinkley clothes, until about a year ago I told him I was tired of dating a slob, so now he finally irons his stuff. I am not an anal person, and I am not obsessive compulsive about being clean and neat. However, I grew up with nothing, so I take care of what I have now. Things don't need to be spotless, but I want to be able to see the bedroom floor. (see, this is why people should live together before they get married!!!)

And, talk about a relationship where I am more of a man than he is. To put it as nicely as possible, we joke around that when there is a bump in the night, I will be the one to go see what it is.

He is a GREAT guy. Treats me well. But, I just don't think I am in love with him. And, it doesn't help that I ran into an old boyfriend and all the attraction came back. It made me go from thinking, "Well, I am not sexually attracted because I am trying not to have sex and it's easier to shut it all off than it is to be tempted by messing around" to "well, I am REALLY sexually attracted to my ex and am instantly hot and bothered....so there has got to be something wrong with my current relationship" Not that I will get back with my old boyfriend, but just to have the sexual feelings come up scares me!

Is it cold feet or is it something more serious? Do I postpone the wedding, cancel the wedding, or just go through with it, hoping it will work?? Thank you so much for your support and advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 3:51pm
Very tough situation! I would say postpone until you can be happy with whatever decision you make. Take some time to think and maybe date others. If you find you can't live without him than you know. Don't go in feeling with maybes of course we are all afraid of marriage but it's something that you should at least want to do even if you fear it.