cold in a relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
cold in a relationship
9
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 4:25pm
I have been with this women for 8 months, I am in love with here but over the past month, she has slowly becoming colder toward me. Our sex life has almost stopped and every time i initiate fore play she imediatley brushes me away or makes up an excuse. We dont kiss anymore the hugs have stopped and when i approach her on this subject she says that there is nothing wrong and for me not to take it personally.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 4:36pm
Don't take it personally - that's easy for her to say.

Something is wrong - tell her this - Not having sex after having sex is a reflection of problems in a relationship. Since I still want sex and you don't, can you tell me what's wrong with our relationship from your point-of-view?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 4:53pm
After 8 months maybe she is starting to determine that this is not the right relationship for her, but has so far not worked up the nerve to dump you. I think you need to ask her again what the problem is, and tell her that from your perspective there definitely IS a problem. Tell her that it's ridiculous to believe she can reject you so harshly and expect you not to take it personally. If she will not open up and discuss what her problem is, then if I were you I'd move on. Make another attempt or two at communication, and if that doesn't work simply tell her this is not working for you. Don't stress about WHY she's acting this way, just focus on the fact that she IS acting this way. and this is definitely not what a healthy happy relationship is like. So if that is what you are ultimately looking for, keep looking. Good luck.

Just one more comment: If you're not spending a lot of quality time together doing non-sexual things, and you're trying to initiate sex every time you're together, maybe she's just worried that all you want is sex (and she's testing you to see how long you'll stick around if she doesn't comply). This is a tired old game. You and she need to COMMUNICATE about it. Sex shouldn't be used as a reward or punishment. That kind of thinking and game playing is not emotionally healthy, so if that's what she's doing, take it as a red flag.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 7:17pm

Its hard not to take this to heart, considering you have deep feelings for her.I would let her know that you feel like something isnt right in the relationship and that you' d like to resolve it, if possible...Sometimes its just stress from the job, or other things that are totally unrelated to you, but unfortunatley, your the one that gets the wrath from it...Other times, it something far more complicated thats going on in the relationship.It is up to you to differentiate betwwen this and decide where to go from there.


Best wishes,



 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 11:49am
Isn't it funny how this world works. You are the man in your relationship yet you and I are in the same shoes. If it were up to me, i'd want my bf every second of every day. But, he's just not into it like I am. I was in a marriage where things weren't right and I never wanted sex. I was beginning to think it was me and I was just acting like how the typical woman is percieved. Then I got the nerve up to end things. Spent some time finding myself. And then, this new relationship, which had all the sparks and flare in the beginning, is now starting to feel typical. I wanted to keep our sex life alive and well. He seemed to want it less and less. There was a point in time where he'd make repeated jokes about "no sex for you" if I did or didn't do something that he did or didn't want. The only way he ever acted upon that was not initiating any more. That alone hurts a girl since it's most often the men that initiate. Not here. It's 99% of the time me. Makes me feel like he doesn't desire me. Yet I know I am a beautiful woman. Any man would be lucky to have me. Except I want the man I am with to want me. Maybe you'd have some suggestions for me...

Sorry to have babbled on here. Just think it's kinda humorous (in a sad not-so-funny kinda way) that things get so screwed up. Sounds like your personality and mine would work out and my bf's and your gf's would work out. Why can't it work out like we want it, ya know?? I hope everything works out for ya. I hate to say it, but as another person said, there almost definitely is something wrong that she's not sharing. But, she might not be sharing it because she might not even know there is something wrong. Best wishes.

Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 4:51pm
Thank you for your comments, I have just found out the reason behind the problem. In my girl friends past she has been let down so many times by past relationships, which has deppressed her to the point that she thinks i am going to leave her. We have disscussed this and we are now resolving the situation. My advice to you is to talk about your problem with your bf, maybe he is going through the same thing that my gf is going through. If you love someone we should always be supportive and understanding and not always think of ourselves. The past always comes up and bits us on the bum when least expect it. I was married once to a wonderful women who i saw slowly loose her self esteem and i became so selfish, that all i could see was the negatives about her, unfortunatley it ended our 10 marriage in which i now dont see my two little boys. I have now grown up and trying to understand my partner in a better way.

regards moose55

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 5:00pm
It's possible that maybe she is going through some personal issues that are affecting her ability to be intimate. You need to trust her if you love her if she says it's not you. You need to ask her what it is exactly then? Be supportive when you ask her. Tell her that you are concerned about her, not the fact that you don't have sex. If you approach it this way she'll feel comfortable to open up to you.

Maybe she is under a lot of stress lately.

And yes of course it is possible that she is losing interest and doesn't know how to tell you or possibly she is insecure and doesn't want to be alone.

It could also be that she is afraid she is investing in a relationship that won't be going anywhere (marriage). I think you should ask her what she wants in the future with you......not necessarily marriage, but is she in this for just a relationship, or is she looking to find someone to settle down with?

It's hard to give an exact answer to your problem as it could be a million things. You need to have a serious talk with her about this, but don't focus on the fact that she doesn't want to be intimate because that'll probably just make her defensive.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 11:09am
Ya know... I know exactly what your girlfriend is going through. When my bf and I started dating, I flat out told him, "As long as you don't mention the "C" word (commitment) or the "R" word (relationship), then, we'll be fine..." and he pressed the issue about getting into a committed relationship. Not me. The thing that caught my attention about him was, he was asking me this before we'd even became intimate. That really meant the world to me. So, I drug my happy butt off to therapy to try to learn to not punish him for what the other guys did to me in the past. It took me a while (not a lot of therapy, but really just learning how to trust agian on my part) to get over thinking that he'd bolt every time I upset him. We had plenty of ups and downs, believe me, but right now, we are comfortable and getting better. After about a month of just casual dating and no intimacy, I decided to take the plunge into the "relatinship" and well, into the intimacy. I wrote to you about you and I being int he same shoes. That I wanted sex all the time and it was he that turned me down. well, I don't quite know what's gotten into him lately, but I have been wanting to have "the talk" with him about my needing a litte more out of the relationship and I need a little less one-sidedness.. but I haven't been able to have the talk with him cuz there hasn't been a need. The sparks seem to be flying again.. (and big time last night) and the one-sidedness is going away little bits at a time. Partly because I found a new way to approach him when I want something.. but anyway, I'm smiles agian!! I really really hope your girlfriend can figure things out. If there is any advice I can offer you, don't stop reassuring her even if you think it's rediculous. That is one mistake my bf made. He thought it was just dumb that if he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me one time, then I was to understand the he wanetd to marry me and I never needed to hear him say it again.. no so. When he'd get in his "moods" I was left wondering... Just let her know how you feel about her. NEVER assume she knows... Best wishes!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 11:25am
Where have you been all of my life!!!

Attractive and you want sex. I couldn't thing of a better combination. Your husband is out of his mind!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 6:03am
Well, he's not my husband yet. And in fact, just yesterday, discussed moving out and going our separate ways for a while. You are right, he's out of his friggin mind. I know what I am worth. He just doesn't get it. All it takes is for someone to take the time to get into my heart and into my head (meaning; get to know what I am all about...and I have to be attracted) and I just can't get enough... Lately, it's been too much mental stress from him. I just can't stand playing games. AT ALL. I blew up at him yesterday and told him to cut the crap. That's when he suggested we go our separate ways for a while. My words to him... you snooze, you lose. I wait for no one!! Dumb butt!! But thank you for the kind words ;-). Finally someone made this girl smile!!