Comm. and relationship advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Comm. and relationship advice please
2
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 5:27pm

I have been with my fiance for five years now. We got engaged last year and next year we will be getting married. I am finishing school so it is easier but it was my fiance that really pushed the issue of waiting to get married. In fact one of the first things he said after popping the question was "we can't get married for at least two years". I just wish that I was included in this decision.

Since we got engaged things have been going downhill. We both have very different goals and ambitions and ways of achieving these goals and it is expected for me to just follow along almost like a stepford wife.

You name the topic and we've probably argued or had some sort of issue. I get so frustrated that I'm always supposed to be so understanding of his point of view and feelings and I feel like no one cares about my thoughts. We can't talk about our problems without it turning into an argument. We aren't even intimate anymore!

I do love him and he is a wonderful guy. I'm just not sure if I have anything left. I've tried compromise and everything I could think of already and I'm still so unhappy. I don't think I have anything left to give since I feel as if compromise has become compromising my self. And I also don't even know if I want to put effort in anymore because I find I am becoming bitter towards him.

I really need advice on how to talk to my fiance. I don't know how to bring up anything without sarcasm or starting a fight. I really need to get my point across that I'm not happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 6:21pm

lichick, you've certainly got a lot of issues to face.

Can I bring your attention to some contradictions in your post? You say you love him but you also say that you aren't intimate anymore. You say he's a wonderful guy but you contradict that with comments your thoughts not being considered by him. You also say you are feeling bitter towards him.

Do you truly love him, or is it just habit? Perhaps you love him like a brother these days and not like a fiance. I also know how it feels to have fallen out of love with someone and not want to admit it to myself....could this be you?

Before you decide how to talk to him, think about what YOU want. Considering all these problems you have, do you really want to marry this man? Perhaps your best course of action would be to break up rather than continuing to try and fix things.

My only other thought is regarding counselling. You may receive advice to do marriage counselling with him. But I don't think it's a good idea. My thoughts are that if a relationship is so broken that it requires counselling BEFORE marriage, then you shouldn't be getting married. I believe that dating and even engagements are designed to help you find a guy who's a perfect fit for you. Don't force a square peg into a round hole when there are plenty of other pegs out there who will fit without force.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 6:39pm
It sounds to me like you two aren't a good match. Marriage will not improve things. Can you imagine raising kids together? You don't have to stay with someone who isn't giving or considerate just because you have a history together.