commitment issues?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
commitment issues?
4
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 3:55pm
Hi

I’m sorry if this gets long. My BF and I have been together 2 ½ years. We are both 32 years old. We’ve been off & on for the past year (mostly on but broke up for almost 2 months last Nov/Dec). We get along great and like to do many of the same things so we have a lot in common. We always broke up for the same reason – we want different things in life. I want kids & my clock is ticking. He was pursuing his Masters degree with hopes of continuing on for his Phd (another 3-5 years). So, I chose to end our relationship so he was free to pursue his dream and I was free to pursue mine. In January he decides he doesn’t want to get his PhD. Even gets a job (he’s almost done with Masters – working on his thesis at night). I didn’t jump right back – he convinced me he didn’t want that anymore & he was ready to settle down. Around March/April we even talked about him moving in with me & trying to get pregnant at the end of this year. Around the same time I suggested he talk to a therapist or someone because he procrastinates really badly (for example he missed his college graduation and STILL hasn’t finished his thesis). So he agreed and started seeing a therapist. And I supported him.

Just for more background… he & I are very different personalities. I’m very outgoing & confident. I always thought he was confident but much more introspective (kind of quiet & shy). Also, he’s lazy & occasionally selfish but knows that about himself. I am probably the least selfish person on earth and have more energy than the energizer bunny. To be honest, I always told myself this was a strength of our relationship – he makes me relax sometimes which is something I rarely do. Not sure if this info will help with our problem but…

He was supposed to move in with me the beginning of June. He asked if we could hold off on that because he was working through some things with his therapist. I said fine (we had this conversation in early May). Lately he seems depressed a lot. We discuss it and he says with all he’s working through the therapist said it was normal for him to have periods of depression (He realizes now he’s been sabotaging himself academically his whole life). So last week I suggest that he move in with me, perhaps that would help with the depression. He says he loves me & wants to spend time with me… but he says no. Then goes into this long explanation about his fear of abandonment and honestly, by the time he was finished I still don’t get how that pertains to us living together. It seems to me that his therapist is constantly finding more stuff wrong with him & he reads tons and finds more stuff too! Just last night he says now he thinks he has a panic disorder & the therapist says he has a lot of anger. He’s so relaxed most of the time that you wouldn’t know he’s conscious!

I realize I’m angry that he said “no” to moving in together but at this point I don’t know if I can deal with all these “issues” he has. I think he’s finding issues & using therapy as an excuse not to move our relationship forward. I don’t know if I should just cut my losses & move on or wait it out. I mean, with the issues he has this could be forever. In the meantime I’m totally distancing myself from him, which is just hurting our once loving relationship.

He & I discussed talking to a couples therapist and my work will pay for it but because I’m new at my job & he already has therapy one night a week we’re having a hard time getting an appt at night. Not that I’m sure it’ll even help as I kind of feel like it’s over but I miss him when we’re not together so that must mean something right?

Any ideas/advice

Avatar for heatherjohnst
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 7:14pm
Maybe you could go to his therepist together. Atleast this way , you can get a

feel for what is going on. Weather his therepist is a quack - causing your BF

to feel he has more problems than he really does - OR - Your BF is just using

stalling tactics for some other reason. By meeting his therepist , you'll

be able to get some more perspective on where the problem is "really" coming

from. Good luck.

Heather

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 7:57pm
He started seeing his therapist in March/April of THIS year, right? If that's correct, it doesn't seem at all realistic to expect that he would have worked through all his issues by now, in just a couple of months! He's just getting started. Wouldn't it be much better to give it another 6-12 months and have him be *really* sure he's ready to move in with you, than rush it and have it not work out? I can tell you from experience, having to go through the moving out process is one of the worst things I've ever been through. You don't want to rush into this.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 10:31am
Interesting because my boyfriend even suggested that a while back but when he suggested it to his therapist she said she doesn't do couples counseling but if we wanted to see someone together she could refer us to another therapist. I thought it was pretty interesting that she firmly did not want me to join him on one of his sessions.

Thanks for the suggestion though :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 10:35am
Sheri

Yes, I totally see your point. I think I feel like I've been "waiting" for him to finish something for our whole relationship. first he lived away from where I live to go to school for his masters, now he's finally 2 towns away and this happens. I'm just frustrated that I'm always waiting for him.

thanks

Sheryl