Commitment Phob
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| Tue, 07-03-2007 - 1:22pm |
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I would appreciate all the help I can get whether the truth hurts.
Here it goes....
My boyfriend and I fell in love almost two years ago. We have talked about marriage quite a bit, actually to the point of pressure of all angles coming at him from his family to mine as well with friends. I understand the pressure he must be feeling. About 2 weeks ago we were visiting my parents over the weekend and during a conversation it lead to houses on the market. My parents stated how low the cost of houses have dropped and if and when we were ready for a bigger commitment they would be here to support and help us when we were ready. As the conversation went on we decided maybe seeking a house together wouldn't be such a bad idea, since we agreed to get married in a couple of years. On that Sunday he was leaving to on business trip he asked me to look into houses so we can start our search once he gets back. I did in deed do my search and had a few appointments set up for the following Sunday. We both agreed on a few houses, stated our budget and went on our appointment. Knowing the history of his commitment (commitment phob) I asked him a consistently if he was ready for this step because if he is not, I could cancel at any giving moment. He agreed to move forward and we did. As we followed the realtor to the 3rd house, he turned to me and said what will happen if we break up? I turned to him and said why are you thinking negative, although I knew it was a reasonable question and concern. I responded with "hopefully we will never have to come to such terms, but if in deed it happens we sell the house and split everything in half". I asked him if he was alright with things and he said yes, I was just thinking of what if's. As the day went on and we fell in love with a home, we called it a day and dwelled on the house all night long. As the next day came, we prepared for two barbecues we had planned. As we walked to the car he turned to me and said he thought about it and thinks it's not a good idea to move forward with the house idea. He wasn't sure if he was ready for such a big responsibility. At that very moment my heart shattered knowing he's panicking and isn't ready for a bigger step in our relationship. I was hoping deep down inside he was going to be ready whether it was a house or marriage. We ended up getting into an argument which lead to him break off our relationship. Each time we get into an argument/fight he thinks by running away from his problem it's going to solve itself. Once he calms down and we talk, things get back on track. Although in this situation, we had a conversation as soon as things calmed down that he's afraid he might not ever be able to give me a bigger commitment. He's terrified of commitment and he freaks out when he has to think of others besides himself. He loves me and wants to be with me, but he knows I want to get married and have a beautiful house someday. I explained to him it's alright to be scared on big changes, but he has to learn to deal with his fears. Running away from things aren't going to change things. Working together slowly we both can overcome scary situations. I told him it was his decision to move in together and he freaked out, but the outcome was positive. He can't go into any situation thing A) It's NEGATIVE and B) It will FAIL! You have to take risks in life whether it's a relationship or career. Life throws you challenges all the time and if you're not prepared you'll loose your mind. As of right now, we are together and taking day by day. I on other hand am always terrified! Because of his fears and challenges a relationship throws at you, when things come to push and shove he always takes the easy way out. Although he realizes how silly it is at times, he still does what he knows best.
What I am looking for is someone to help me lead him in the right direction when it comes to commitment. Is there something I can do to help him realize taking risks is okay or is this something he has to learn to overcome himself? We both loves each other dearly and want a future together, but when situations come our way he has to realize running away from it won't make things better. I've explained to him that I'm not turning my back on him because that's easier, but because I love him enough to stand by his side and help him through the hardest days of our lives. I love him enough to wait until he's ready.
Do you know of any books that might be good for him to read or anything that would help?
Once again, thank you for all your help. I look forward to your response!

Welcome to the board kena11,
I don't really have any good advice for you. This is something that he has to figure out for himself. It could just be that he isn't in the right place in his life to be thinking about commitment. What I mean by this is my husband was a big commitment phob when we got together and has even said that if we had met several years earlier our relationship might not have lasted because he just wasn't ready for that at that point in his life.
I think the thing to do is just support him and not pressure him.
glitter-graphics.com
You can't do a single thing for him he has to do it himself. No books or coaxing from you can change this man. If and when he makes the decision to take the risk he will come to you but I wouldn't wait for him. Find someone that isn't so wishy-washy because you deserve the most honest love you can find.
Frani