Commitment phobic?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Commitment phobic?
4
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 12:34am
I've been seeing my now boyfriend for two months, but we've known each other for longer, and just recently made the decision to make a commitment to each other. Only problem, he is just recovering from a two year relationship break-up and has remained on very close terms with his ex. He says they are best friends and he spends a lot of time with her. He told me he is scared of a relatinship because of her cheating but wants to make it work with me. But sicne we have made the commitment he has started phoning less and keeps avoiding spending time with me. He told me once that he had work to do so he couldnt spend any time with me and then later told me he went and saw a movie with his ex. I am worried that he is not over her or is in love with us both. I want to know how i can help him move on, read his signals and help him commit to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 7:28am
Just be your self as he sees in you the qualities he desires his commitment will have more chances to grow. Just let him see more of who you are but dont try to be things your not, since you really want him to grow closer naturally and not feel forced into being with you. Recovering from the past relationships can take time and some things can remain for some time since there were good things he most likley enjoyed in the past.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 3:28pm

He is BEST FRIENDS with a liar and a cheater? What? What does that say about his character?

::He told me once that he had work to do so he couldnt spend any time with me and then later told me he went and saw a movie with his ex.

That's what it says.... your values and his are NOT the same. He lied to you. Hell, he could still be sleeping with her for all you know.

He needs more time to heal and move on instead of being in a relationship with you that may turn out to be rebound. Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 5:03pm
You can't help him move on if he doesn't want to. His words and his behavior show that he is not ready for a relationship. I beleive that he needs a lot more time to get over her but it isn't going to happen as long as he remains 'friends' with her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 6:57pm
It would be the easiest thing to tell you to move on, but it is harder said than done. My guy is a commitment phobe and he does a lot of the same stuff. He doesn't spend time with his ex, but does keep in touch. I have stuck with him through a lot of crap and he has made huge strides, but I don't know if it will ever be enough. I am a divorcee and my ex-husband was my best-friend, and I can honestly say that I feel bad for the woman that replaces me because he still tells me he loves me to this day.

On a different note: The girl cheated, which is the hardest thing to forgive in a relationship. I think he is still questioning why it happened to him. I would go with the other advice you got that said to just be yourself and be there for him. If he isn't giving you the time you need and not making you feel special, I would suggest to him maybe putting the relationship back to a friendship until he is ready to give you want you need and most of all deserve! Maybe over time with some healing, he will look back and remember you being there for him.