Commitment phobic?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Commitment phobic?
2
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 9:21pm
I'll try nd keep this to the point:

Facts:

39 yr old female, with 40 yr old male. He's divorced 4 yrs ago, was married 11 years, no kids.

Things in common" Golf, x-country skiing, movies, culture, deep conversations , dinners etc etc. Lots.

Time together: 3 months as friends, then 7 months as a couple.

Issue: He appears to be commitment phobic despite the fact that I have never suggested we be more than we are. Boyfriend/Girlfriend.

he is doing the push-pull. He has told me several times he "feels pressure" and backs away for a week then comes back. Despite the fact that I have given him his space etc.

He says he's overwhelmed and doesn't know if he has the "energy" to continue on. His idea of "conflict" is whats going on in his own head. We rarely fight and when we do, its about frivilous things, silly things, and they wash right off my back. He never experiences a mole, always a mountain. he's an introvert and needs to withdraw. I give him this space. I'm an extrovert who has become more introverted since I met him :(

I told him honestly, in being true to myself, that in the long run I am looking for a long term commitment, be it live-in or marriage. He told me he wants the same thing. Still tells me out of the blue "I love you". Sends me emails during the day although not as "sweet" as they used to be. Sort of more "routine" which I suspectis normal after 7 months. We last saw each other 6 days ago because he was backing away again saying he didnt know what to do. Stuck between a rock and hard place. I don't call him or email him. He calls me. I stay positive and supportive and give him his space.

I invited him over for a movie tomorrow night and he responded "he didnt know what to do" he "wasnt sure" but he loves me ,,lol. I dont doubt he loves me for a second..but he cant commmit. he's paranoid. How long do I give him his space for ????

When do I say: You know what honey? I love you and want to be in relationship with you, so...when you decide whether or not you "have the energy"...call me and we can talk.

I think thats the right thing to do i just cant get myself to do it.

Help...

Claire.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 12:11am
Claire,

seems you know exactly what you need to do. i think you are making a wise decision. wish you all the luck in doing it.

Tessa

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 8:37am
Ok I made t through friday night. Our first Friday night apart in almost 8 months. Its saturday morning and I really feel the pain setting in. We haven't seen each othe since last Sunday but have spoken every night. Wonderful conversations about our feelings. He loves me, I love him. He needed to get things done (procratinator) and gets very overwhelemed when his "list" gets too long. His place is full with home renovations, french classes, and his work. Doesn't kow if he has the energy to contribute to our relationship right now. I've been giving him his space. I don't call, hedoes, I dont email, he does, and always says: I love you and xoxo at the end of each email. When I suggested we go our own way until he decides (at which time we would have to sit and chat) he interpreted that as "for the weekend". He sent me an email at work friday and said he needed a few more days of quiet time to 'sit with this". (he's a real introvert).

I meant "go our seperate ways" until he's SURE he wants in. I don't want to actually "hear" the breakup words. I won't be able to deal with that. I would rather sit in the unknown and figure out for myself he's not coming back than hear the words. His last email friday said he was :sitting at my desk looking at our picutre remember all the wonderful times we've share..then he said he was "sorry for bringing us to where we are now and needs a few more days". So.....here I am...I suspect he will call or email Monday morning as usual, but will add that he has decided he just cant do this right now etc etc.

I will be devastated and it will take everything in my power not to "beg". I won't though. I know thats the worst thing I can do. I have to trust thathe is missing me as I am missing him but needs to figure it all out.

Help me get through this difficult waiting time....