commitmentphobic or jerk?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
commitmentphobic or jerk?
3
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 7:57pm
I've been involved in an on again/off again relationship with J for just over 4 years now. Nine months of that in which we were married. J's behavior has always perplexed me, to say the least. After we had seperated earlier this year - I filed for a divorce because I felt the way he had been treating me was nothing less than mental abuse - he moved out of state to return to work for a former employer - I came across the book "Men who can't love" - after reading it I was convinced the type of person described in this book fit J to a T! Sure enough - as soon as he had enough geographical distance between us and a bit of time had passed - he missed me and started calling - pouring on the charm. I've had enough of his false promises - but everytime I tell him to leave me alone and quit calling he - of course - seems to want me even more. My problem is that for some sick reason I still feel love for him and eventuslly his persistance wears me down and I end up talking to him - which just leads to more empty promises and broken dreams/disappointments. Help! Is there such a personality disorder as described in the book I mentioned - or is it just plain and simple he's a self-centered jerk?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 11:20pm
Does it matter what you call it? You can't change him or what he says or does or thinks. Why not take control here and figure out why you thought you deserved this for so long and figure out how to get out once and for all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 10:02am
In reading between the lines I'm wondering if what you're really asking is if he ever genuinely loved you given the instability of his actions.

I just ended...also after reconnecting....a relationship with a man who exibits the same sort of behaviors. He is very 'split' and the side to him which is brilliant, generous, open and loving wins my heart every time. He can be very charming and seductive. He is also a "J". Curious.

Anyway, it is quite a painful dynamic and for me the breaking point was the dissapointment over his failing to live up to his overtures to come visit this week. These overtures spanned over 2 weeks. He moved out of state and is immersed in a major overhaul of his property related to a new career and lifestyle. He creates incredible, albeit legitimate distraction so as to not be fully present for a relationship or for his own feelings. I love him deeply and he knows this, but I cannot tolerate any longer the pain of longing for a man who is elusive, and as he puts it, "not capable of having a serious relationship."

Fear is antithetical to love, and these men are driven by fear when they pull away and push you away. It's a lopsided, controlled sort of love they offer I suppose. I do feel "J" loves me to the extent he's capable, but he's selfish and narcissistic...a child in many ways and a deep man in other ways. Truth is all these parts exist in one person and that's what feels so crazy-making.

So- I understand your confusion and the difficulty letting go. It's very addictive which makes it all the more insidious. Four years of a rollercoaster is long enough. Go through the pain of reclaiming your life and healing. All the best to you.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 10:16am

Rather than focus on what is wrong with him, take a look at why you are so vulnerable to this kind of destructive game. It takes two to play this. Stop playing with him. Spend time working on yourself and find out why you can't let go? What is it about this situation that calls to you? We consider many things to be love, including attachment, addiction to a person, and the thrill of a power struggle. Sometimes a woman who feels rejected becomes compelled to correct the situation and win him back. He has his own issues, certainly, but as I do not know him, I cannot say what fuels this behavior and neither can you. It would be far more profitable for you to learn why you are still hanging on and how to extricte yourself.


Best wishes.