Communication – please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Communication – please help!
3
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 5:05pm
Hi! I am a woman in my thirties. I have not dated for a while and just started a new relationship (one month). I thought that after all the good books that I’ve read on relationships in the previous few years, as well as being older myself, I will react differently in a new relationship and know how to navigate… but lo and behold, I find myself in the old patterns and don’t know how to communicate my needs. A little about myself: I appear very independent and strong person. And while I’m strong and independent, some of the appearance of independence is probably more of a cover up for my sensitivity because I do not want to show my vulnerability. Maybe I’m proud but it’s hard for me to communicate my needs to a man. Also, I’ve read in the books on relationships that for a woman to express her needs to a masculine man never works the way it’s intended, i.e. a woman cannot beg for more attention or signs of appreciation, that even if it would work in the beginning, it would backfire later and a man would rather withdraw… I guess that what I miss the most about a relationship is communication. I’ve been dating this person for only one month and understand that it’s too early to expect any kind of frequent contact. This said, we seam to have many things in common and have a strong mutual chemistry. He has expressed his interest very definitively many times. Then, in spite of everything that I’ve read and understand with my rational mind, the relationship took off too fast… It was great, however it now hurts my feelings when he only calls a couple of times a week. This is not enough of communication for me in order to feel emotionally secure, and consequently, stimulated in a relationship. I feel that sex is a celebration of a successful relationship. He says that that’s how he feels as well (in fact, he said this first). And I understand that things happened too fast, before we had a chance to establish the mutually acceptable ways of communication. I know that he really likes me, he sounds very affectionate and he expresses closeness when he calls. But a couple of times a week of contact is not enough for me. Please HELP! How can I negotiate through this and not feel sulk or unhappy when he calls because I feel neglected? I do not want to suppress my feelings either, because that would be untrue to myself and confuse the relationship…. Any advise, please? Thank you very much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 5:11pm
I'd suggest that you communicate your needs....by knowing what they are.

Rather than communicating your "feelings" which are very transitional and not facts or goals.

It's about standards and needs....not about "feelings".

Sort thru it all....are you "feeling" neglected because this one month relationship based on infatuation has progressed to an intimate one? In other words, if sex weren't involved - would you "feel" neglected withh only 1 or 2 calls a week?

Basically, don't play games.....don't communicate in order to "get a specific result"....communication is about you stating your needs, feelings and standards - but not doing it in order to get approval, acceptance, or some furtherance of a situation.

He's communicating with you as often as HE needs/wants to - based on his needs and standards and feelings. If you say nothing - you're implying that this amount of communication is also all you want and need.

If you want more communication - tell him that. Be specific - say I'd appreciate more than two calls a week. Period, the end.

If he wants to do it - he will. And if he doesn't he won't. But no "game" you play is going to make him do what he doesn't desire to do.

It might help to take "you" out of this...so that you can see more clearly what the issues are.

Values justify actions.

So, he's doing what he wants to do, what his reasoning says is right to do, what his values justify him doing - to get his desired results. And what he's doing with you - he's done with other women as well.

This is "how he considers it right to conduct himself with a woman who's interested in him". This is not "how he conducts himself with you because of how you are, or who you are or what you offer or give or tolerate."

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 5:35pm
Erin, thank you very much for your reply. No, I do not want to play games. I want to honestly communicate. But I do not want him to communicate because I want it. I want this desire to be mutual.

To answer your question: I would not feel “neglected” if we would not get intimate yet. I would feel that a relationship takes its natural time and course. But because we had sex, it brought up a wall of emotional insecurity in me. I know that for me to be happy in a relationship, and specifically involving sex, I need a commited intimate emotional relationship as well.

I am considering taking a step back and telling him that perhaps we moved faster than I'm ready for at this stage of our relationship, in spite of our mutual attraction and things that we have in common. I do not want to break up a relationship, but feel that I need to take a step back in order to allow the relationship to proceed. I am not ready to feel so vulnerable with him…

I might agree that I need to express my communication needs, what would work for me. And I do not take his behavior personally. However, because he is a very ‘masculine’ type of man, I don’t know if stating it out right would produce the result that I want. It must come from him. So, what’s a girl to do? Many thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 6:12pm
Your answer indicates that you're unclear how much power, authority, responsibility and control you have in your own destiny.

I would not feel “neglected” if we would not get intimate yet. I would feel that a relationship takes its natural time and course. But because we had sex, it brought up a wall of emotional insecurity in me. I know that for me to be happy in a relationship, and specifically involving sex, I need a commited intimate emotional relationship as well.

If you "know" that you cannot be secure in a 'physical gratification liason" - don't get in one. He didn't force it - and if he does - it's a crime and you can file a charge! Basically, you've had sex....you don't "know" this man in terms of his values and his character. So there is no way in this equation at this point you're in an "emotionally committed relationship based on respect and admiration of him as a person and vice versa".

So, right now you're "dating and having sex". Dating is not figuring out how to impress and please htem to get them to want a relationship. Dating is you enjoying being desired so much, and getting so much attention, sharing conversations, interests, sex if mutually agreed to - while standing back objectively and at least giving as much consideration to "does his actions, decisions and words in the myriad of situations we've been in together meet my standards and my needs (two very different things).....as well as the requisite "is what I'm doing pleasing and appealing to him."

If a person wants a relationship - they wanted it before they met YOU. They didn't "meet you" and want a relationship. If that is what happens...what they saw was a more beneficial situation/opportunity/liason than they thought would be theirs to encounter and benefit from - and so immediately they want a relationship with "you" - provided that "you" turn out to be as beneficial, convenient,and comfortable to them as you appear to be/are at this very initial moment.

So, you're dating and having sex. So sit down with the man and there's lots of "ways to go" - but you've got to take responsiblity for what you do as it being "what you want to do no matter what the response."

A) Tell him that the sex in terms of physical gratification is great, that you're a little rustyy in the dating department, and you cannot handle physical gratification without respect, admiration, and emotional involvement and commitment mutually by both parties. It's only been a month - that you haven't got that for him yet - and you're going to stop having sex. IF he stops seeing you - don't take it to mean it's ecause you stopped having sex. IT might be...but it could also easily be that he doesn't want a date a woman lacking in self-awareness...although he might easily admire and stick with this even if that issue gives him some creepies....because you are at least honestly communicative AND sticking with your statements consistently. In other words, when he tries - the answer is "no" because of YOUR standards and requiremnents of yourself...not being used to elicit a statement or some sort of verbage from him.

B) Tell him that you're going to try to become comfortable with "physical gratification" wtihout emotional investment in him as a person...so you're going to continue the sex, and the dating and "not" consider him a potential partner just yet ecause infatuation hasn't faded enough for objective review of his character and values on your part. That means you'll ocntinue to have sex and enjoy raunchy, rapid, slow, or seductive "sex" - realizing it's only physical gratification. nd you'll spend time and conversation and attend events and outings with him to get to knkow him as a person. If this transpires - ask if he's being "physically exclusive"...that is NOT an emotional commitment - it is an agreement between two rational adults not to have sex with someone else while they're having sex with you. That doesn't mean that they can't "date" other people however.

And there's a few other branches of either of these - but you can figure what works best for your situation. And stick with it...don't waiver. This isn't about you "getting him to want a relationship" - it's about wnating a partner that meets your needs appropriately, and shares your standards by personal desire to do so. Meaning - you can't alter, mold, shape, bribe, coerce, or excuse "behavior" on his part - that his values justify and inspire.



am considering taking a step back and telling him that perhaps we moved faster than I'm ready for at this stage of our relationship, in spite of our mutual attraction and things that we have in common. I do not want to break up a relationship, but feel that I need to take a step back in order to allow the relationship to proceed. I am not ready to feel so vulnerable with him…

I'm not sure what "step back" yu'd be referring to except cessation of sex - that's addressed above. But I believe you've got "vulnerability" totally misdefined - unless I'm not sure what it is you're saying here.

There is positively NOTHING vulnerable about stating your beliefs, decisions, opinions, needs, desires, standards, values, or goals.....that's not asking for approval, assistance, providership, or partnership...that's just you stating who you are......and if there's any "vulnerability" in being you - it's not found in "being who you are consistantly in all situations".

Vulnerable as I understand it really means that you're "not" open with yourself about what you believe and want, need and expect, you're not open enough to know what you stand for where, you're headed, how you're going to get there.....and so you're always dodging, aligning, pursuing, and manipulating situations, circumstances, responses, and people to "get what you want and need". That's vulnerability in thehighest order....because there is no "you" that is successful, secure, complete an dhappy without all the stars in alignment, or all the people giving you want you want and need that you refuse to admit you're desirous or in need of.

But, maybe I'm misinterpreting what you mean. Vulnerable isn't stating - I want a life partner. It's not even stating if itis true - I want YOU for a life partner. It's NOT stating those things and running around tryin to "make your dreams a reality" behind everybody's back and without their knowledge.



I might agree that I need to express my communication needs, what would work for me. And I do not take his behavior personally. However, because he is a very ‘masculine’ type of man, I don’t know if stating it out right would produce the result that I want. It must come from him. So, what’s a girl to do? Many thanks!

Well, good communicators rarely used "I expect, I demand, I require of you ________(you fill in the blank)." I'm not sure, assuming that you're referring to calling more, what is so wrong with stating "I'd love it if you'd call me more than twice a week." That's just you stating what you'd like to have happen.

If he doesn't do it - then that means you cannot dodge the TRUTH....and there is no substitute for the truth. It means that he doesn't want/need to call you more often than that...and he knows that you do want that and is not responsive to your request.

From THAT position - you can assess if you wish to continue dating and have sex.

Don't state what you want and need appropriately, let it fester, and you'll begin to read into his every statement and action what you want to hear, or what he does not mean....and you'll respond to these projected assumptions as if they were facts, and that'lll be your undoing in every regard.

He's a "masculine" man...what does that mean precisely? Does it mean he's macho -a nd he's always right, and women oughta be barefoot and pregnant and in the kitchen? IF that's your sort - more power to it. Does that mean he's athletic and very good with tools and fixing things and he doesn't like to be told what to do, or be asked to do anything - he's a "commanding presence" and in light o that nobody really asks, requires, demands anything of him - his presence is enough and whatever he offers when he's around is what people "settle for"? If that's your type - again, more power to you.

I'm not sure what he's a "masculine" man really means. Most men I know are quite masculine, a few are machoe, a few are chauvanistic, a few are downright ornery, some of communicative, some are romantic, some are chivalrous....but they're ALL masculine....and I run with lots of them for various endeavors. I've met a few "unmasculine" men.....wouldn't date them.....but then again my sex wouldn't have been their type.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com