communication

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2008
communication
8
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 3:12pm
why do you think that we communicate better with each other about our needs and are more honest with each other while we are apart? and avoid or dont express our feelings when together? do you think its something we can change?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2008
In reply to: justme_101
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 3:41pm

Z
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: justme_101
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 3:42pm

Welcome to the board justme_101,


Here's your previous post: its over...again


Sure, anyone can improve their communication skills and work at it.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: justme_101
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 3:52pm

Of course this can be changed. People are afraid of saying what they feel face to face, for fear of being rejected, shamed or embarrassed. However, you can practice doing it, in person, in little steps. Test out the waters. Make sure the person you are with is willing to listen and understand you. Then you can go forward to discuss larger issues. If you communicate responsibly, do not blame, but say how you feel and what it is you want and need you have a better chance of being heard and responded well to.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2008
In reply to: justme_101
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 4:03pm
hello. we're both pretty stubborn (he more so that i) & we've had our share of problems. he was single for five years before meeting me & got used to being single, not having to answer to anyone, not having to consider anyones feelings wants or needs but his own. he is telling me he is finally realizing he didnt consider my feelings before or try to understand me cuz he wasnt used to having to anymore. before me, he was burned twice so he shut down that part of him & became cold & stubborn. i dont blame him. part of me has too after what i've been thru. but we're trying to learn from each other. (let our guards down) youre probably all gonna tell me i'm stupid, thats fine, but i know he loves me. hes very stubborn so every time things didnt go his way, instead of dealing with them, he leaves me cuz its easier for him at the time to not deal with things. (he just loves to avoid conflict, something else we're working on). then after he's gone a while, he starts regretting what he did. im not saying hes coming back or that i will take him back, i'm saying that we're talking. about things we didnt when we were together. while we're apart, we seem to learn more about ourselves that make it easier to communicate in ways we didnt while together. so thats what we do. so i was asking your opinion on if you thought that IF we get back together, (which if we do, i'm NOT letting him move back in right away like before), but IF we do, do you think we can finally keep our promise to communicate better with each other and why you think we do this better when apart?? nothing left to lose? i dont think that learning about ourselves & each other is a bad thing. i have an open mind. i'm trying to work it out because thats the kind of person i am. i love him & dont wanna give up on him cuz i believe h'es sincere. maybe i'm a fool, but time will tell. thanks girls
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
In reply to: justme_101
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 6:06pm

"but IF we do, do you think we can finally keep our promise to communicate better with each other and why you think we do this better when apart?? nothing left to lose? i dont think that learning about ourselves & each other is a bad thing. i have an open mind. i'm trying to work it out because thats the kind of person i am. i love him & dont wanna give up on him cuz i believe h'es sincere. maybe i'm a fool, but time will tell."


Just think about the beginning of a relationship - tons of long talks in person and on the phone and then *poof* the conversations just disappear as dating progresses for lots of couples.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2008
In reply to: justme_101
Wed, 09-03-2008 - 6:15pm

Z
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2008
In reply to: justme_101
Fri, 09-26-2008 - 2:38pm
hey. i think you misunderstood. im not expecting him to change for me. he said he wants to learn & understand me cuz he realizes he didnt before & become a better person/communicator...and I do to. i know i have issues too. so thats what we're trying to do..we're BOTH learning a lot about ourselves & each other, growing as individuals, still communicating with each other... i guess i'm concerned that IF we ever get back together, we'll fall back into our old bad habits, again, and stop communicating again. we separated because he was tired of arguing and he didnt tell me certain needs he had so instead of telling me, he let it go too far & became unhappy cuz he wasnt getting what he needed. he has since realized that if he would have told me, things could have been different & i agreed. he never wanted to talk or work anything out cuz he didnt know how, after being single for so long...and shutting that part of him off. so now we're being honest about everything we think need feel want etc. theres a lot to learn & to say... its one of the hardest things ive ever been thru... but im trying to at least grow as a person.... and if we end up together, at least we'll be better stronger people either way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2008
In reply to: justme_101
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 2:56pm

Hi. well, i dont know what happened....first he leaves (2 months ago), again (for the 3rd time), then he says, again, that he wants to work stuff out, become a better person & come back home. so we're talking, we got together a few times, which went pretty good. then we went out to dinner one night, went back to my house, talked, i got pretty upset, cried a lot, he tried to comfort me but i was pretty upset, then he says 'i dont know what to say' so i said well i'm going to bed then....thats the last time i saw him. this was 2 weeks ago. the night after this happened, he sent me a text saying we needed to talk about what happened (me getting upset) that night and he'd call the next day. the night he said he'd call, i get another text saying he cant call cuz 'he didnt feel well mentally' and if we talked, things wouldnt go well. but he couldnt tell me why. a few days later i get an email from him saying hes really confused & he cant talk to me but hes not done fighting for our relationship. one sentence in his email read " i do love you, i do miss you...and yes there is that big but'....(meaning hes not sure if he wants to be with me or be alone....so i respond, of course with a bunch of questions that arent answered. then we start texing each other a little, things are going ok, im tying not to expect too much, but i get upset when i tell him i need to talk to him & he ignores me so i tell him i cant do it like this anymore cuz hes not there for me & only wants me, to talk to me, when HE wants to....then he calls me a few days ago...didnt go too well, cuz by now im feeling pretty bitter that he has shut me out once again, after saying he wanted to talk and work things out....i didnt yell or cry, i just stuck up for myself. it felt good cuz i havent been doing it at all. ive been caving to his every whim & getting not much in return. then he starts texting me good night & good morning & have a good day baby'...then he calls me last night and says in one breath i feel better now about talking and in the next breath 'i dont know what i wanna do', im struggling with a lot of things....so i told him if he doesnt know, i cant talk to him, cuz 'whats the point'? hes stringing me along and telling me one day that every day is one step closer to being together, then saying he might not want to be with me...he might to be alone instead.....so aftet two months of back & forth, up & down i can finally say i've had enough! hes making me crazy with all his uncertainty & empty 'promises'. he doesnt know what he wants. i deserve someone who loves me & KNOWS without a doubt they wanna be with me..... someone who will actually try when they say they will...i just wish i knew what happened...????? what changed?? makes no sense to me.... i bought your book by the way... why men leave....i see a lot of him in it...fear of commitment, ghost of past relationship, need for freedom....i shouldnt expect him to change to be with me...i have to let him go dont i?