Communication

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Communication
6
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 2:42pm
In December 2002, I met the most wonderful, wonderful man. At that time, I had just turned 38 and he was approaching his 41st birthday in April. Neither one of us has ever been married. (I was a late bloomer and am also practicing “chaste” courtships since becoming a practicing Catholic in my early 30’s). Neither one of us could get over how much we had in common. We began to fall in love.

A month into our relationship, this gentleman explained to me that he was an entrepreneur. He worked for the government as an engineer for before a friend of his asked him if he would like to start a company. They were quite successful in founding a major company in mid-1999, receiving millions of dollars of funding from venture capitalists. Unfortunately, the company filed for bankruptcy in December 2000. During this short but exhilarating ride, he accumulated more money than he ever had from previous jobs ($100,000). He bought himself a BMW ($600 month car loan + $300 insurance) to celebrate.

Realizing the wealth that could have been theirs had the company continued, he and his friend decided to start another company (disaster recovery) in January 2001. At this time, the economy was ailing and funding was scarce. Thus, over the course of the next 2.5 years, he began to invest his savings into the company to pay for salary expense and operating costs (cumulative total of $80,000). Eventually, he ran out of money and began living on credit cards.

In January 2003, he referenced $30,000 debt. I wasn’t sure what he meant by that, but as time progressed, I realized it was credit card debt. I wasn’t overly alarmed because he always reassured me that his company was on the verge of “taking off” and/or receiving funding via a bank loan or private investors. Also, he owned a townhouse in Washington, DC that he was hoping to sell. Thus, I assumed he would become solvent eventually. Conscious that he was tight on cash, I told him he didn’t need to take me out to expensive places or spend money that he didn’t have. A bottle of wine with take out or a home cooked meal was more than enough.

By June 2003, we were talking about getting married. I began to think “tactically” about how we could plan a wedding. I should also mention that I had lost my job in October 2002 but was doing fairly well by consulting back at my old company. I asked him, “How much credit card debt do you have?” He answered, “$40,000.” I asked him, “What? I thought you said it was $30,000.” He replied, “I thought you were okay with my financial situation.” I responded, “But how did the balance move from $30,000 to $40,000 in 5 months?” He responded, “I haven’t been getting paid and have had to charge my living expenses.” I then asked him, “How would you ever pay for anything if we did get married?” He said, “I would charge a ring or any other expenses on a zero interest credit card.” This response alarmed me.

I explained that I would rather that he paid off his credit card debt than buy me a ring on a credit card. He was disappointed, but also said, “It shouldn’t matter. You are putting money before love. My financial situation shouldn’t matter.” From this point forward, the relationship began to deteriorate. I began to withdraw from him emotionally and question his sense of priorities and responsibility. I urged him to sell the townhouse in Washington, DC. It took him 9 weeks to track down the tenant who had been living in the property for 4 years without a raise in the rent and without a lease (tenant at will). During this 9 week stretch, I felt more and more alienated from him. “Why is he dragging his feet?” Likewise, I began to question what was going on at his company.

My boyfriend felt like I was “peppering him with questions, doubting him and withdrawing from him.” He was right. I was nagging him, especially about calling the tenant. I was anxious to resolve the issue so we could plan a life together. He felt insulted that I should make an issue of his finances. “98% of the relationship was good but this one topic seemed to outweigh everything else in your mind. You had to choose what was more important: me or my finances. I felt like I had an ax over my head: ‘Fix this or I won’t love you.’” I was looking for reassuring signs that he was responsible, serious about paving the way toward marriage, willing to compromise and concerned about how his situation affected me.

By the end of the summer, I realized his company was insolvent, a common state-of-being for a start-up company. They owed the landlord over $100,000 in back rent and were on the verge of being evicted. They had only $25k of monthly revenue vs. $50k of expense. If there was enough money, he and his colleagues would get paid $1,000 a week. If not, they were not paid. The president of this 6-man operation had 5 kids, a lien on his house, his car repossessed, his cell phone shut off and threats of foreclosure against his home. He and he alone managed the company’s finances. This practice seemed unwise to me, especially since my boyfriend had his life savings invested in the company.

Things started to look brighter at the company, but my boyfriend’s financial situation continued as described. When his tenant declined his offer to purchase the townhouse, he tried to refinance, rolling the BMW car loan and his credit card debt into the mortgage. This took 8 weeks but failed because his credit was so bad. By now, we are into September. We had a horrible summer – me not understanding why he couldn’t/wouldn’t ask the tenant to leave so he could sell the condo, why it took so long to contact the tenant, etc… He couldn’t sell his BMW because he didn’t have enough money to buy a new car or procure a loan.

As we were breaking up, I knew the tenant had indicated that he was going to move out in December, but I didn’t want to wait any longer in the event that something else came up to queer the deal. The stress of the situation (Is this going to work or not?) was taking a toll on my physical well-being – I had dark circles under my eyes, general fatigue, headaches and bouts of vertigo in the morning.

We broke up in November. When we last spoke, he indicated that he had in fact sold the condo, paid off all of his credit card debt ($53,000), the company was doing better ($50k revenue vs. $90k expense. He dreams of being a millionaire.

When we spoke about our relationship, he blamed everything on me. “You weren’t supportive at all. You did not believe in me. Your emotional withdrawal was counterproductive. You associate love with money. You made me miserable.” He insisted that he was powerless to improve the situation and had to wait on external events – even the tenant’s decision to leave. Had the tenant decided to stay, he said he would have tried to refinance in the new year.

I felt horrible and apologized for all of this. I agree that I made him feel “judged” about the way he was managing his finances, especially in light of the fact that he wanted to get married. I always explained to him that I was just trying to create as much stability as possible by encouraging him to sell the condo and that his situation as it was – especially since I had not found a full-time job – was out of my comfort zone. He simply did not agree. I also pointed out that I interpreted his “procrastination and disagreement” as a lack of respect for my feelings. He never apologized to me about anything. “You need to take a big picture view of life. Nothing is perfect. I want someone who is going to be there through thick and thin.”

I would love some perspective on this. I have learned that I need to be loving, kind and supportive, regardless of the situation. I am a CPA and business analyst – someone who is adept at managing money. By digging into/focusing on his situation, I made him feel inadequate. Nonetheless, I felt that I had a right to know what was going on.

Now that we are broken up,I look back on it and wonder if our communication as a couple destroyed the relationship. I certainly backed off, began fretting and felt generally distressed. This turned him off. Thoughts? (Noodling still - and perhaps a bit bored but I want to learn.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: sincerekind
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 4:43pm
Communication is a big factor in most break-ups. I'd also add that it takes two, doesn't sound like at any point he acknowledged your fears by discussing them to set your mind at ease - acting like a couple - that means working through the issues by discussing them. Instead he took your withdraw and pushing to move things along as personal judgment instead of expressing to you what he was feeling and why.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: sincerekind
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 4:52pm
“You weren’t supportive at all. You did not believe in me. Your emotional withdrawal was counterproductive. You associate love with money. You made me miserable.” He insisted that he was powerless to improve the situation and had to wait on external events –"

By 'the situation' do you mean the relaitonship or his business?

So he gave you a list of what was wrong with you and how you made him feel. You have to realize that you can't make anyone feel anything without their consent. Did he take any responsibility for the break-up or did he just blame you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
In reply to: sincerekind
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 5:09pm
Hi there! Thank you for your response! So I made him feel judged? What else could I have done? I was scared - and hurt - that he wasn't addressing the problem. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
In reply to: sincerekind
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 5:11pm
Hi there! Thank you for your message! He insisted he was powerless to change his financial situation. Nope - he never took repsonsibility for the break up. Never. Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate it.
Avatar for heatherjohnst
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: sincerekind
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 5:19pm
The way your situation sounded to me - He's a "risk-taker" and you are the type of person who needs stability or "rock solide plan" . That alone ,can drive a wedge into any good relationship. It sounds like his risk-taking , anti-stable ways made you anxious to change him. The thing is , I don't think either one of you were wrong. Just VERY VERY VERY different when it comes to money managment. If I were you , I'd be very gratful he was atleast honest with you about his money spending habits. If he would have hid that information and the two of you got married , it could have been disaster. His spending habits could have distroyed your credit. So , atleast he was honest , and you found out before it was too late.

Since that issue is of paramount importance to you (Me too , I understand!) , now you know what to look for in your next boyfriend before things go too far. Good luck.

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: sincerekind
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 6:42pm
I like reponse 6 about the both of you just being differnt....

What you could have done....that's a loaded question because I don't think you need to feel bad about your decisions and choices. You did what you did, in the moment, the best you could with the info you had. So with that said - suggesting counseling would have been one thing to try, or going by yourself to deal with the anxiety and possible projection of our own personal instability with the loss of a job (did I read that right) vs your fear that he was going to end up in the same boat - meaning you were projecting your fears of your situation onto his situation, but he felt he was handling it (though not communicating it well to you or including you in the process), then approaching him... 'Because of my background and career, I'm trying to understand our different ways that we deal with our finances so we can find a common ground to build for the future. Can you help me understand your way of thinking about the extra debt ($10K in 5 months - while it wouldn't be everyone's choice to do it this way, he did what he had to to get by), the selling of the condo (see while I like financial security as well, meaning I'm not over-extended, I do believe in timing and that if something is being held up, it's for a reason - I also take my cues from the person I'm with - my bf is a CPA, yet he is very laid back about certain things and I've been able to adjust and say to myself, hey, if it's not bothering him and he's done well to date, then I can let it go too.)

Food for thought.


Carrie