Communication break down
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Communication break down
| Tue, 03-13-2007 - 3:05am |
Hello there my name is Suzi.
My bf and I have been together since Oct/2005. He is a very sweet man, and I love him very much. Our problem is that we have communication issues. He can be negative at times, and i can be very self centered. We don't have the skills to "talk things out" and usually become negative and angry with each other. I can get very lippy, and lots of times we just don't understand each other, or can't communicate. How can we work on our communication skills, and how can I work on my stubbornness to always be right? Is there maybe some articles i could read? If you need any more info, please feel free to ask! TIA!
suzi M
My bf and I have been together since Oct/2005. He is a very sweet man, and I love him very much. Our problem is that we have communication issues. He can be negative at times, and i can be very self centered. We don't have the skills to "talk things out" and usually become negative and angry with each other. I can get very lippy, and lots of times we just don't understand each other, or can't communicate. How can we work on our communication skills, and how can I work on my stubbornness to always be right? Is there maybe some articles i could read? If you need any more info, please feel free to ask! TIA!
suzi M

Hi sweetpetite12 and welcome to the board,
I think it is important when discussing a matter to remember to listen to the other person and let them finish talking before you say what you have to say. Don't interrupt, it is only fair that both people get a turn to speak their opinion. If the matter becomes to heated and things are only getting worse than drop the issue until you can talk about it in a calm manner. Also remember that sometimes the best solution may be to reach a compromise that both people are comfortable with.
Good luck.
glitter-graphics.com
Hi sweetpetite and welcome to the board.
There are probably some kind of communication class available at your local college.
This is quite long, but it's a great article on "being right".
When Being Right Is Wrong
Constantly finding fault with others can be exhausting — and destructive. So stop fuming over how right you are, says Real Simple’s life coach, Gail Blanke, and focus instead on having a good time
Last year, as the holidays approached, I was chatting with a friend of mine about what each of us planned to do over the long New Year’s weekend. “Well, I’ll tell you what my husband is going to be doing,” she said. “He thinks he’s going hunting with his pals, but he’s actually going to be taking the air conditioners out of the windows. Can you believe he hasn’t done it yet? We’re all freezing from the drafts!”
“You’re right,” I said.
“Of course I am. It’s ridiculous.”
“I know.” I paused. “But I’m just wondering.…”
“Wondering what?” she asked, looking slightly annoyed.
“I’m just wondering what kind of weekend you want to have.”
“What do you mean?” She sounded suspicious.
“Well, I don’t know. Maybe you’d like to have a cozy, romantic weekend together. I mean, the children will be at friends’ houses, and…”
“Go on,” she said.
“Look, you can be committed to being right about how wrong he is not to have taken out those air conditioners sooner, or you can be committed to having a really delightful weekend together. But you can’t have both. A ticked-off guy usually isn’t all that romantic — you know what I mean?”
She thought for a minute. “Hmm. But what about the air conditioners? I’m so sick of them.”
“It depends on what you want more,” I replied.
Ultimately, my friend chose the romantic weekend with her husband, and because she focused on making it delightful, it really was. And guess what? Her husband took out the air conditioners without even being asked! (And he didn’t go hunting, either.)
Being right about how wrong someone or something is can be pretty irresistible, especially during the holidays. You can walk into the place where you buy your holiday plants and be right about how wrong it is to have only red poinsettias when you had specifically ordered white. You can be right about how wrong your boss is to ignore how hard you’ve worked all year. And the thing is, you probably are right. You probably could get a bunch of people to agree with you, and you could all sit on a bench together and revel in your rightness. But then what?
A highly successful woman I know, named Lauren, had a chronic case of “the rights.” She was very vocal about how right she was that her husband should be earning more money “at his age.” She was right that her little daughter should have learned to walk “by now.” She was endlessly right that the company she worked for was wrong to give her such a small salary increase every year. And, finally, she was right about how inept the people who worked for her were. Lauren probably was right on some counts, but, boy, was she tough to be around. Her husband came very close to leaving her, her daughter almost never smiled, and there was so much turnover in her department that she missed out on a big promotion. Lauren finally asked me what I thought she wasn’t doing right.
“Nothing you can’t fix,” I told her.
“Then what?” she asked.
“You just have to let go of one thing. And it’s something we all need to let go of — the need to be right.”
“Yeah, but how do I do that?” she asked. “It’s sort of been my life — you know?”
I told Lauren that whenever she felt the need to be right about how wrong someone or something was, she should “press pause.”
“Just take a few beats and ask yourself this question: What am I committed to? Am I committed to being right about how far ‘behind’ my daughter might be at any given moment, or could I be committed to something much greater, like creating a warm, positive environment, one that enables her to grow up with confidence and optimism? Am I committed to being right about how inadequate everyone who works for me is, or am I committed to creating an energetic, optimistic workplace where enthusiastic people devote their best selves to what they do every day?”
“What do I do with the ‘being right’ thing?” she asked.
“You let it go,” I said. “You give it up. You go for the greater reward.”
Well, she had to work on it a bit, but eventually Lauren got it. And it changed her life, not to mention the lives of the people around her. She even looks different. The furrows between her eyes have nearly disappeared. Seriously, letting go of being right is better than a shot of collagen. Plus, it lasts longer. Try it.
Look, we’ve all got a little Lauren in us. I catch myself “being right” all the time. Well, not all the time. Lots of times, I don’t catch myself. But, luckily, my daughters, Kate and Abigail, do. They call it “When Mom does ‘just a minute.’” They do great imitations of me walking up to a flight attendant when takeoff has been delayed three hours and saying, “Now, just a minute, do you realize I’ve got a meeting to go to?” I’ve always done it. I get so focused on the small win that, like Lauren, I lose sight of the big picture. Enormous energy goes into being right. It’s exhausting. So this holiday season, when the “being right” thing rears its wrinkled head, press pause and ask yourself what you’re really committed to. Find fulfillment in not finding fault. You’ll be amazed at the difference it will make in your life. People will smile when they see you coming. You’ll probably start whistling. And heaven knows you’ll look better. I’m not kidding about the collagen thing.
4 Questions to Ask Yourself Next Time You’re Feeling “Right”
1. Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?
2. What’s more important to me: making someone wrong for the moment or having a great long-term relationship?
3. What would happen if I let go of the urge to correct and concentrated instead on the rewards of connecting?
4. Could I let someone else be right for just a minute before I say what I think?
Try this: Say, “You’re right. I totally get where you’re coming from.” And then give your point of view. This will work miracles. I guarantee it.