Communication problems
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| Mon, 03-12-2007 - 3:48pm |
We've been married 17 years, together 21 years. They haven't all been hard but nor have they been easy. Recently things have gone downhill fast.
A bit of background - we have two children, 8yo DD, 3yo DS, after years of IF. My DH works FT and is going to school FT for his MBA. I work FT as a home daycare provider in our house. My mother moved in with us last August.
Arguements are horrible now. I pretty much tune out DH and don't answer him during arguements/discussions because for the pasty 3-4 years things have progressively gotten to the point where no matter what I say - agree, disagree, have my own opinion, etc - the arguement is skewed and it just keeps on going. I don't know how else to explain it. But DH is also constantly putting me down with words - small cuts here or there - then when I look or act upset he'll ask me what is wrong, tell me he did nothing wrong, it's all in my head, etc. I feel very manipulated. I have felt this way for a long time but since my mother moved in I now know that I'm not crazy - she notices what he does and how I'm treated.
I really think it stems a lot from his childhood and how he feels about himself now. I have tried to make him feel better, explained to him that we love him the way he is, etc but he still goes through what I call bouts of self-doubt where he lashes out at us.
He has told me that he'll never divorce me and if I did try to divorce him that I'll live in poverty and he'll never leave us alone - he'll live next to us and be there all the time. He is not abusive physically but man do I feel mentally abused and I know our children are going to have problems if we cannot get this under control.
I asked him to find us a counselor to speak to - seperately at first. I asked it to be a male because knowing my DH whatever "she" tells me will not be valid because of her gender. He was NOT like this in the beginning of our marriage, actually just the opposite. What attracted me was his selflishness, quiet attitude, chivalry, etc. I feel like he is now totally opposite what I married.
Is a counselor a good idea?
I know that if mom moved out that would stop some of the argueing, but I'd let his mom move in if need be and I would not be petty towards him about her. And if mom left it wouldn't solve the problem. She is very upset over how he talks to me and the kids and how he manipulates us with his words and actions.
I'm so confused, sick to death of the argueing, sick of feeling like I walk on eggshells in my own home, sick of my kids listening to us fight, sick of not liking my DH because of his actions.
Thanks for reading.

Hi em_and_toms_mom,
Yes, counseling is a very, very good idea. Was he open to the idea? If he will not go, than make an appoinment for yourself and maybe even your oldest child. You are correct in saying that his behavior will affect your children. I hope he will be open to the idea.
If he wasn't like this when you first married him, do you know what could have caused this change in him?
glitter-graphics.com
Hi em_and_toms_mom,
I suggest counseling for yourself and with somone that has experience with emotional/mental abuse.
He is the youngest of 4 - 2 brothers and 1 sister - he grew up poor and with a verbally abusive father. His mother divorced his father when DH was 4yo and the kids went back and forth between parents. His oldest brother has owned two businesses and now is self-employed and has no need of $. His other brother now owns his own business and has no need of $. He feels like he is the odd one out of the family. He is always coming up with plans, ideas, etc on either owning our own business or what to do with our $, etc. Since I started the home daycare 2-1/2 yrs ago I think he also now feels like I've over passed him in that aspect. When I met him I was 15 and he 19. When he spoke to you he looked at his shoes, he was very beaten down emotionally. I was very strong, being the eldest of two I spoke what I felt when I felt it. Over the years he became more and more outgoing and sure of himself. Now he's on the other extreme - he thinks he is still the nice guy he once was but he is so opinionated, bigoted, etc. To those that just meet him he is a nice guy, soft spoken, accomodating, helpful. But he talks about people to me behind their backs, putting everyone down, finding faults with people, their homes, their kids, cars, etc.
He brought up the counseling. I knew that it would never work out unless he came up with the idea. I have wanted to see a counselor for about 2 years now. I really hope this helps the problem. I don't want to divorce, I don't want to do that to my children. I want to have a happy marriage again. I know it is not just all him, I need to work on things too.
Thank you!!
Cindy