Communication problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Communication problems
4
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 11:08pm
I have been with my boyfriend for 1 1/2. Everything is very good except that he doesn't like talking about his feelings and what he is thinking. He started being on his own at a young age and when he came to America, he closed himself. He didn't have anybody to talk to so he got used to not talking about what he was thinking and feeling to anybody. I try talking to him to open up and to come out of his shell but he tells me that he got used to keeping everything closed inside him. How do I get him to slowly come out of his shell and start talking to me about his feelings and what he is thinking? I really appreciate your answers and your help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 10:03am
OMG. Are you dating my ex husband? I was with a man like you described for 13 years and it was agony for me. An uphill battle all the way. He also was from a foreign country and grew up basically on his own -- self-sufficient and nobody to talk to. He's a great guy and there was love between us, but he does not and cannot communicate about feelings or thoughts. And let me just tell you that it's pretty difficult if not impossible to get close to, and develop a deep bond with, someone who cannot communcate.We sought counselling and did everything we could think of but he could not change who he was. Our marriage was very unhappy. I think you're either going to have to accept your bf as he is or move on if you're looking for something he cannot offer. Today I'm married to a man who can and does discuss tough topics, feelings, thoughts, etc. He's good at communicating. My two marriages are like night and day from one another. I could never have had this type of close relationship with my ex-husband. He just wasn't capable of giving that or being that. It took me a very long time to accept that and let go. But it was an important lesson learned that hopefully I can pass on to someone like you, to save you the many years of struggle and pain that I went through in learning it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 10:13am
Hi. It's not uncommon for a guy, or anyone, to not know how to express their feelings, especially given his history. Biggest thing - patience and understanding. It won't happen overnight and it won't always be 100%. But understand his past and understand that it will take some time. Be sure that when he DOES start to talk to you, welcome it and even tell him, "I'm glad you said that" or "I appreciate you telling me that". The more he knows it's good, the more he'll do it.

As for getting the communication started, it's not something you can "make" him do, but something he needs to do because he wants to and feels comfortable. Set a good example. Talk to him about your own feelings or thoughts about things, and maybe say "What do you think?" at the end. This might ease him into the idea of talking about his thoughts and feelings without opening up too much about himself at first. Or instead of such an open ended question, make it more deliberate, like "Do you think/agree that ...?" and "why?"

Does he use his computer/email much? Depending on a situation, I can sometimes express myself better via email or letters. Perhaps that would be a medium he'd be more comfortable with at first. Write him a letter/email and see how he responds. Start a little journal book that you write your letters in to each other and pass it back and forth. This could be really fun, as you both could draw pictures or use stickers and colors to help express things. Glue in little memories, like movie stubs. But sometimes people find writing much less scarey than talking face to face.

I wish you all the best, and i hope this helped a little.



Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 10:41am

You say everything is very good, even though he doesn't share his feelings or talk much. Think for a moment about what it is that you enjoy so much about the relationship, and realize that it is difficult to change a person. Your boyfriend has a certain way of handling life, (from a young age). He feels comfortable with it. Perhaps over time, he may open up more, but there is really no way to change a person unless he wants to change. If his lack of communication is a problem for you in the relationship, and if it makes you want to leave, then you need to tell him that. This way he will then have a decision to make about what to do. However, if things are working fine despite this, just leave it alone.


All good wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 12:29pm
If I may interject something here? My NH used to be that way, he changed after we had built up some trust, AND I learned how to draw him out. Basically I avoided anything that he could give me a one-word answer on. The way that I got around this is, "I know that you dont agree with this, I just wish I could understand why that is..." act like the discussion is closed and see if that helps. Worked like a charm with my hubby and now he offers these things easily.

It used to be a game almost, trying to find a way to where I could get something more than a shrug, a shake of head, or a nod. What you want to know, flip it around several times and see if it can be blown off. See, I would give his one word answer for him, then wonder aloud why. He just couldnt stand it, lol.