Competing with the computer

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2008
Competing with the computer
6
Sat, 10-04-2008 - 12:12pm
My husband is a wonderful man. He makes me laugh, he's not demanding, jealous, any of those things. I couldn't ask for a better husband. The problem is his computer is getting in the way. He doesn't see it and I can't even talk to him about it anymore because he doesn't think it's an issue. He gets home from work, sit's on the couch and on goes his laptop. If the kids need help with homework and I'm not there, they'll just skip things because they know he won't check to see if it's done. My son needs to practice basketball for tryouts, he needs to work on a Scout badge, but once my dh is done in the yard on the weekend, he's back on his rear with the laptop. And all he's doing is reading the news and going to these goofy websites he likes. It's nothing devious like chat rooms with women or porn sites. It's just silly stuff. I need him to take his focus off of that and back on his family. What to do?? I'm at my wits end and it's affecting my feelings for him. He even forgets to do things he needs to do because he's glued to the screen. Any ideas?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 10-04-2008 - 1:58pm

Welcome to the board mom2seanandmads,


He could be depressed or using the computer as an escape or a distraction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 6:52am

3 questions

1. Do you work outside of the home?

2. How old are your kids?

3. How much actual time does he spend per day online?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 8:44am
I am inclined towards him being bored in general, with no hobby or social circle.the computer keeps him distracted from the everyday problems as well.Computers are a kind of addiction as well with many of us becoming more tied up to them than spending time on other things.
Try to create more social outings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2008
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 8:54am

Answers to your questions: I do work outside the home, I have 10 year old twins, and he spends an average of 2-3 hours per night during the week once he gets home from work, and approx. 8-10 hours over the weekend.

The thing is, if we have things planned away from the house, he's always ready to go. If we're doing things with friends or the kids have a game, he's always there. If I need him to help with dinner, he's there as well and he always cleans up after dinner if he's home. My big problem with him is he gets so wrapped up in his computer games, especially in the evening or on the weekend that he forgets about things that he needs to do such as actually get up off the couch to make sure the homework is done rather than just asking, making phone calls he needs to make, picking up something from the store. I actually believe he has stayed home from work so he can play his game.

I know it's something he enjoys doing and i don't want to take that away from him. But he needs to limit his time, just like we do for the kids. It's just getting him to do it and making him see that it's affecting his every day life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 5:45am

I'm not really following you here, so let me summarize and see if I got it straight:

You both work outside of the home, don't know if both are full time or not. Husband seems to be involved in family life and does participate in household stuff, although we don't know how much beyond participating in making dinner and cleaning up afterwards. Husband seems to be involved in kid's lives. But he likes to get on the computer and that's a problem for you.

I don't understand the reference to making phone calls or going to the store - is this an everyday thing? Also about the checking homework, I take it he is supposed to verify that the kids have in fact done it and not take their word for it? During his time playing this game, are you doing housework or some activity of your own.

The reason i am asking these questions is because I can't see if it is a matter of this game really detracting from his participation in family activities or just that you resent him doing it, although you profess not to. How much time do YOU feel is agreeable and that you both should be able to live with?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 8:47am

I have the same confusion as americajin. I'm not exactly sure where the problem lies for you.

That sounds like a decent amount of time spent on the computer but I've known people who come home from work, plant themselves in front of the monitor and don't move until 2-3am when they finally feel exhausted enough to go to sleep. Your husband isn't being neglectful or ignorant, this is just his way to unwind.

So I wonder, what do you want to change specifically? What do you want him to be doing instead of playing on the computer? Would you like him to spend more time with you?

I had a guy once who thought it was "silly" that I did an hour or so of Yoga every night, and tried to get me to stop. I became very resentful because while he thought it was dumb, it was my way of unwinding and relaxing. Some people use the computer for this. If you take away his "me" time regardless of whether you think it's silly or not, he will resent you for it and you will make him not want to do nice things for you or spend time with you. That is just my experience to share.

This may be a battle not worth fighting. But try to answer those questions (even if only internally) I listed above; if you have specific ideas about what problem you have with him spending time online, then you will realize that it's not the computer itself that's the issue and you will be able to move forward a little bit more.