Compulsive liar - Do I take a chance?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2005
Compulsive liar - Do I take a chance?
5
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 4:21pm

I split up with my boyfriend of a year and a half last friday. The reason for this is that I discovered he is a compulsive liar. He told me a lot of things in the two years we where together and all of them have been lies. Although he says he does love me deeply he couldn't stop making things up. He had insomnia and nightmares which he told me were because of his childhood, but really because he was scared of inevitably losing me to the lies. He tried to tell me a few times - I remember he would be in tears trying to tell me something - he would say he was going to mess everything up but wouldn't explain.
The lies were mostly about what he has done with his life in the past - such as owning property, traveling etc. He would also exaggerate stories about his past.
He also was in charge of paying the rent for his flat which he shared with 2 others - one of which was his lifelong best and only real friend (now ex friend). On three occasions the direct debit supposedly failed - the rent did not get paid. So instead of going to the bank and fixing it, he put it off, frittering away the money.
At first he lied to me about the seriousness of the situation, but I spoke to his friend and the truth came out. Thats when he admitted all the other lies. He says that he's been lying for years and years after a difficult and abusive childhood and attempted suicide once when it got too much. He would get caught and move on, meet new people. But this time he says is different. He loves me, and doesn't want to move on. He wants to fix his life and is asking for the chance to prove to me he can change. He says he is going to seek help and will do whatever it takes to put things right. He says he doesn't need me to save him - he just loves me and wants me back.

I love this guy very much. I would like to give him a second chance, but I know its not the sensible option. It would be very difficult and he would have to somehow earn my trust. My mother would greatly disapprove and think Im stupid, but my best friend who also 'knows' him feels it is forgivable and perhaps worth a chance as we were so in love. Before all this happened, we were very happy and in love.
Im rambling i know - but Im just so confused right now and I need an objective view on this.
Thanks you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 4:59pm

Welcome to the board froglet-girl,


If just to remember that if you do take him back, you are always going to be wondering if what he is telling you is the truth. If you think you are okay with that or can handle that, than go for it. Maybe it would help if you went to a few counseling sessions with him to discuss his lying and the impact it has/had on your relationship.


Best of luck in whatever decision you make.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 5:13pm

"but I know its not the sensible option."
Then don't do it. You'd be hurting yourself all over again. Nothing has changed, he's still the same guy. If you ever long for an honest, truthful relationship with someone you can trust, you will be forced to find someone else.

Sometimes breakups are good, this one certainly was. Learn from the mistake of dating a compulsive liar and put it into action by not dating someone who lies to you. You'll be doing yourself a huge favor. So far the only compelling reason to go back to him is because you have feelings for him, and frankly that's not nearly enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2005
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 5:40pm
Well, there are reasons to stay with him other than me just loving him. Ironically, apart from the one major flaw of the lies, he was a great boyfriend. He was attentive, sensitive, loving, supportive and funny. He was kind to my friends and reached out to therm when they had problems. I feel more comfortable with him than anyone before. He made me feel happy and really helped me with my own emotional problems. Ive felt depressed more or less since I was a teen. And I have an obsessive compulsive spectrum disorder that has improved greatly since him. He really helped me work through stuff and I feel so much happier than I have in years. Im not saying he fixed me, but he did help my recognise a strength I had within. I think that if this had happened a year ago I would have fell apart, but Im so much more equipped to deal with it now. Part of me feels like this is some sort of illness or addiction. Maybe I shouldn't just leave because things aren't easy street. Its not like he has gained anything from all this. I think his lying started to make himself feel better. He told everyone lies about stuff he'd done to feel better about himself. I don't think he was banking on falling in love and by then the lies were already there.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 7:01pm

I would ask him to give you a call when he's been in counseling for *at least* 12 sessions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 7:28pm
"I don't think he was banking on falling in love and by then the lies were already there."
So you can only count on him to lie if he's not in love with you? I doubt it