Conflicted about behavior & my jealousy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Conflicted about behavior & my jealousy.
11
Tue, 07-23-2013 - 3:59pm

So, maybe all i needed to do was verbalize the fact that some of those pictures bothered me. So far, he has not liked any provocative pictures :) Hopefully, it stays this way. Thanks for all your replies. Bye.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 07-23-2013 - 4:56pm

" But Im very conflicted. Some people tell me Im being too jealous while others agree with me that hes being a pervert. I dont know how to feel. Am i the one that needs to truly change? "

Try thinking about it like this: You can't control him (and if you could, you'd think he was spineless).  The situation makes you unhappy.  You CAN control yourself, once you understand where those jealous feelings are coming from.  You don't want to break up with him.  SO--what is the easiest way to resolve the problem that will give you the best shot at a permanent fix?  Why, to fix YOURSELF, of course.

Obviously, you can't do it by yourself, because if you had that much insight into why you're so jealous, you would have taken care of it already.  You need a professional who can help you take a step back and look at your behavior and your feelings objectively.  It will take several months of work, but the payoff will be HUGE.

Posting here is not helping you--you have been posting about this issue for months, and it's not resolving itself.  Please put in the work you need to do to be able to live a healthy, happy life without these crippling feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 07-23-2013 - 5:28pm

I've seen your previous posts about the jealousy issues, and responded to them usually with the advice that you should be getting professional help to overcome it, because it seems to be more than you can resolve on your own. I still suggest that. The question is, if your bf stopped the FB activity that you don't like, would you then feel secure or would you find something else to be jealous about?

Your bf has a habit that bothers you, a lot it sounds like, that he is not willing to stop just to make you more comfortable. Whether his behavior is pervy or not I can't really say, but the fact that you think so is a red flag for you. It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks about your bf's behavior, if you are not comfortable with it then maybe you shouldn't be with him. I don't know why he won't stop doing it, if its a control issue against you, or he has an insecurity or addiction, or he doesn't care about you enough to do this to make you happy, or maybe none of the above. But if something's happening in a relationship that makes one partner unhappy and neither party is willing or able to change their behavior, then why be together? Maybe he's just not the right man for you.

To stay with him and try to tolerate behavior that you find disrespectful and inappropriate, because "the next guy might be worse" is not a very good reason to be with someone. What if the next guy is better? Your standards are yours and there's nothing wrong with not settling for somebody who's not up to your standards. I know that there are a lot of men who would not be trolling FB for photos of slutty girls, in a committed relationship or not.

Maybe you can resolve a lot of this conflict by kicking him to the curb.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 07-23-2013 - 7:54pm

I definitely agree with the others on this one--if you don't like a guy's behavior (even if other women would not be bothered by it) and he won't change it it's ridiculous to stay with him because the next guy might be worse--where do you draw the line then?  When a guy cheats on you or abuses you?  You can't be so afraid to be alone that you will stick with a guy who is doing things that you don't like--believe me, there are worse things than being alone.

As for your question, do I think it's "perverted" to like & share pics of sexy women on FB?  (when you say "half naked" I don't know whether you mean topless or in underwear or what)--No it's not perverted at all.  Perverted would be if he was looking a child porn.  Long before computers, my ex sometimes would look at a Playboy and I never thought it meant that he was going to cheat on me--it's a magazine and if these women are models or on websites, he's not going to contact them either.  However, you say that he's trying to build up a business--I don't know what kind of business he's in but unless he's going to be a photographer of pretty women or setting up a strip club or something like that, having a lot of sexy pics on his Facebook page might actually be detrimental to his business--doesn't he realize that people now look at things like your Facebook and judge what kind of person you are?

Believe me, though, there are many men who either don't use FB at all or just use it to keep track of actual friends and don't do this kind of thing at all--so instead of torturing yourself with it, why don't you just dump this guy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Wed, 07-24-2013 - 9:56am

I wish dumping someone was that black and white but the thing is, I would hate to dump him for something that I might be being alittle unreasonable towards. Aside from him liking/sharing sexy pictures of other "wannabe models" & friend requesting random women every so oftten (thankfully it's not a daily habit), he's a good guy and we're pretty compatible. So here's the confliction, is my jealousy/possessiveness towards this unreasonable? I know that sounded bad when I said what if the next guy is worse? I said that because I've seen A LOT worse but that should've never been said bc Im definitely not scared to dump him if he crosses the line and crossing the line would be actually trying to communicate/flirt with any of these women which he has not done. But i still cant ignore the fact that it bothers. Its like musiclover said, back then guys used to buy sexy magazines but now online, its right there in front of my face AND theres easier access to these slutty women too which is another reason why im having a hard time accepting it. Then I also feel like, why give these women the satisfaction of getting YOUR like? Ugh. And no, thankfully they're not naked or topless, some are just mainly showing off their big boobs and big butt.

His business plan is to build websites & do media animation. So one excuse he made awhile back was that some of these type of women he requests have A LOT of friends on their friends list which could open doors for him and that might be truthful -to an extent- but Im pretty sure its also bc he finds these pretty/slutty women attractive, Ew. Granted, these women aren't even located around our area but it still bothers me. So the real question is, who's the one with the real problem and who's the one that should try to change it? Me or him? He feels its enough with me having his password and he doesn't want me to control everything he does so i just dont know if im the one being extreme about this.

Avatar for purp2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2010
Wed, 07-24-2013 - 10:52am

I don't think you are getting it. There is no "higher authority" that will tell your boyfriend to stop doing things.

If his behaviour is unacceptable to you there is nothing to do for it but leave him alone. If that means breaking up with him then that is what you will need to do to feel better.

If you get off on all of this drama and checking his fb all the time (not a good practice), then stay and keep on keeping on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-24-2013 - 11:03am

So when you're basically saying that 1) these women are not in your area, 2) your BF  is not communicating with them at all, 3) he's just looking at pictures of women w/ big breasts and "liking" their pics--to me getting jealous of him looking at a picture is extreme jealousy, like I had a friend who was jealous of her DH looking at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.  You know there are women all over the place in real life--if he goes to the beach, he can look at live women in bikinis right in front of him.  The question is do you trust him or not?  If I trusted my BF not to cheat, he could do all the looking at pictures or real women he wanted (as long as he wasn't doing the offensive ogling and head turning right in front of me).  If you trust him, what difference does it make if all he's doing is looking at pictures?  If you don't trust him, you shouldn't be with him.  I do think some therapy sessions would do you good because you are so conflicted about this & it's been bothering you for a long time.  It's evident that he's not going to change his behavior.  By the way, if my (theoretical) BF asked for my Facebook or email password because he didn't trust me, I would say no--I think people are entitled to a certain amount of privacy and I would not want to be checked up on, so maybe if your BF is actually a trustworthy guy he is doing this even more to prove the point that he doesn't want you to control him and he's mad that you don't trust him if he's done nothing wrong.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 07-24-2013 - 3:05pm

He doesn't appear to want to stop this behavior, even though he knows it bothers you. So it doesn't matter who is right and wrong, if there is a distinction here. Your only option is to break up or live with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Wed, 07-24-2013 - 5:10pm

"So the real question is, who's the one with the real problem and who's the one that should try to change it?"

I don't think its quite as simple as one person is right and the other one needs to change, period. You ought to lighten up on the jealousy overall, and he ought to stop friending slutty girls on FB because he knows it bothers you so much. In other words, you're both wrong. Long term relationships generally require compromise from both parties as you try to reach a happy medium that's in the comfort zone for both of you.

You should get professional help to deal with whatever is causing your jealousy issues. Right now your bf implies that its okay to look at the girls as a reaction to your attempts to control him. When you no longer try to control him you will be able to see if he then changes, or if he has some reason that he can't or won't stop looking.

I'm skeptical that these particular "friends" are going to be an advantage when he launches his business...but maybe you should ask some people that work in social media marketing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Sat, 07-27-2013 - 4:07am

Hi! Hes not the right guy for you.  MOVE ON. Find someone who appreciates what he has and doesn't need to do what he is doing.  It seems like it has been a long term problem for you... END IT.

Missy
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Sat, 07-27-2013 - 1:31pm

I'm so sick and tired of women ALWAYS giving these men who show any form of disrespect in a relationship a free pass...get this...no one tells a guy to be in a relationship..the way I see it is this...IF you're in a relationship and your partner tells you that they find what you're doing making that person feel uncomfortable and the guy doesn't see anything wrong...then you as the woman has to make a decision about it if this is something you are willing to live by...because if he doesn't feel that what he's doing is wrong...then nothing will be fixed and the other half in the relationship will be miserable...I say if you're in a relationship...you shouldn't be looking at any half naked people..whether it be a woman looking OR a man....single people who cares..BUT when youre in a relationship...you have to realize that it would make your other half uncomfortable...plain and simple...

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