Confront or Confide?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Confront or Confide?
59
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 10:22pm

Hello all. This is my first post and I hope to gain a little perspective of my relationship.

Anyway, my boyfriend and I first got together over a year ago. We started out in a serious relationship, but after a couple months he wasn't sure if he loved me. He never told me he did and wouldn't make love until he was. Then after six months he grew distant. I confronted him about it. When I confronted him he said he had been thinking and wanted to break up. He confessed that he had been in love with a girl that lives across the country, but hasn't seen in years.

After the breakup I was left extremely hurt and confused. However, I didn't make any contact with him for four months. Four months after our breakup we ran into each other. He initiated that we remain friends, and I agreed. Since then we remained platonic friends, and hung out with each other at least once a week.

After three months of being just friends (nothing more than a hug) he told me that he missed me, and was in love with me. He told me he will never hurt me again. He has been wooing me since then, and we are back together.

My concern now is that because of the situation of our previous breakup, I'm so afraid that he will hurt me again. Right now I am away on a business trip for a month, and I'm scared he might cheat on me while I'm gone. He occasionally tells me stories about work, and last week when I was still home he told me the troubles of a female coworker (that I didn't know about previous to this) coming in crying about her bad relationship and him and the guys comforting her. Then last night he said that he and his roommate had friends and coworkers over, and that same girl was crying because of guy drama. My boyfriend told me that he and his roommate had to comfort her.

While I am gone my boyfriend told me that he wanted to learn to please me better and got sex books, said he is going to start working out, and just started working day shift instead of night shift (so when I get back we can spend more time together).

Now am I crazy to think that these things he's doing for me may be things he's doing for another girl, specifically the coworker? I never thought I would ever succumb to being the jealous girlfriend, but what should I do? Confront him of what I think? Let it go? Snoop around? Help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 12:32pm

Simple question for you - Why would you stay in a relationship where you are making the choice to accuse him of cheating while you are out of town?


This will lead you to having a virtual noose around his neck, just waiting for the second he doesn't think, feel, say and do exactly as you expect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 3:06pm

Spiceman,


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 9:51pm

>>But the problem comes when one person becomes the soul support person for another individual.<<

If the boyfriend and female workmate were alone and eyegazing and holding each other, I would agree with you.

However, the OP clearly states that the boyfriend is not the sole support person for the workmate. If you read the first post, you'll see that it is indeed *group* support. I don't see any reference to them being alone together.




Edited 1/16/2009 9:54 pm ET by true.blue.strine
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 10:44am

The problem is he is not a single man and he should have found a better way to handle the situation. He is involved in a relationship with lavenderlilies

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 4:46pm
So, I'm guessing you believe that a partnered person should not have friends of the opposite sex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 5:05pm

Friends of the opposite sex should not be singled out for special attention while you are in a relationship with someone else. Couple outings and couple get togethers or couples and groups of singles to me would be perfectly acceptable. Friendships are allowed with boundaries.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 5:11pm

>>But meeting a person of the opposite sex for your own pleasure while in a relationship to me would be crossing the boundaries. The other person you are with is not being considered.<<

We will have to agree to disagree.

My husband has had female running mates, drinking partners and lunch partners. All of which he's spent time alone with.

Thank heavens I'm secure with my husband and trust him. I could not be in a marriage where I felt the need to enforce such boundaries.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 6:45pm

Perhaps I'm blind, but I can't find any information to back up your allegations against him. If you direct me to a post which I've missed, I'll happily reconsider my thoughts.

>>He specifically names himself as one of this woman's primary support person.<<

He names himself as *one of* a group supporting her. He does not put himself above others supporting her.

>>He does not mention the office as a family jumping in to support her<<

Actually, he does. In post #1, the OP quotes him as saying there were a number of people around and caring for her as a group.

>> The office did not take her out on the town.<<

Nobody took her for a night out on the town. What is your point?

>> The office did not get her a card or flowers.<<

I'm not sure of your point here. Why would *anyone* buy her cards or flowers? Cards and flowers won't fix her problems. Friends and offices give cards and flowers for birthdays, babies, illnesses and deaths. A girl who is sad about a bad relationship hardly warrents such a gift.

>>He invited the office over. He took initiative.<<

Assuming he did invite the office staff home, what's wrong with inviting a group home from work? Should he have excluded the girl from the inviation because she's sad? Should he have said "guys, you can all come back with me, but the girls will have to go home"




Edited 1/17/2009 6:49 pm ET by true.blue.strine
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2008
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 6:59pm

It depends upon the

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 7:03pm

We agree to disagree.


My husband has had a string of EA's. He is a limerent (now educated on boundaries). He too has a history.