Confront or Confide?
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| Wed, 01-14-2009 - 10:22pm |
Hello all. This is my first post and I hope to gain a little perspective of my relationship.
Anyway, my boyfriend and I first got together over a year ago. We started out in a serious relationship, but after a couple months he wasn't sure if he loved me. He never told me he did and wouldn't make love until he was. Then after six months he grew distant. I confronted him about it. When I confronted him he said he had been thinking and wanted to break up. He confessed that he had been in love with a girl that lives across the country, but hasn't seen in years.
After the breakup I was left extremely hurt and confused. However, I didn't make any contact with him for four months. Four months after our breakup we ran into each other. He initiated that we remain friends, and I agreed. Since then we remained platonic friends, and hung out with each other at least once a week.
After three months of being just friends (nothing more than a hug) he told me that he missed me, and was in love with me. He told me he will never hurt me again. He has been wooing me since then, and we are back together.
My concern now is that because of the situation of our previous breakup, I'm so afraid that he will hurt me again. Right now I am away on a business trip for a month, and I'm scared he might cheat on me while I'm gone. He occasionally tells me stories about work, and last week when I was still home he told me the troubles of a female coworker (that I didn't know about previous to this) coming in crying about her bad relationship and him and the guys comforting her. Then last night he said that he and his roommate had friends and coworkers over, and that same girl was crying because of guy drama. My boyfriend told me that he and his roommate had to comfort her.
While I am gone my boyfriend told me that he wanted to learn to please me better and got sex books, said he is going to start working out, and just started working day shift instead of night shift (so when I get back we can spend more time together).
Now am I crazy to think that these things he's doing for me may be things he's doing for another girl, specifically the coworker? I never thought I would ever succumb to being the jealous girlfriend, but what should I do? Confront him of what I think? Let it go? Snoop around? Help!!!

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Big hugs to you. This must have been awful for you to experience. I certainly understand the need for boundaries in your marriage. Yes, it's important for your husband to avoid close personal contact with other women. Nothing less would be acceptable.
The OPs boyfriend may well be acting in an underhand manner and decieving the OP. He could be acting as your husband did. But he may also be innocent and simply helping a friend with the assistance of others.
I believe that he names himself and his buddy as her specific comforters.
Yes, we can agree and disagree all day. And I can accept this. I can certainly see that we each have limitations of what we think is appropriate behaviour.
But I can't agree with you inventing scenarios of what this guy is doing. You've done it in previous posts and have done it again here. You are imagining what he *could* have done and are presenting it as fact.
>>Him holding her while she cries is inappropriate. << We don't *know* that he held her.
>>think that him inviting the office over to his house for a "party that he is throwing for this woman<< Again, you've imagined this up. We don't know that he threw a party *for* this woman. For all we know, she could have just tagged along with the rest of the office.
Look, if this guy has done all the things you've written of, I whole heartedly agree that he's out of line. But we don't know. It's very unfair on the OPs boyfriend to be inventing all this stuff about his behaviour. In the real world, what you are doing is called slander.
Edited 1/18/2009 4:33 am ET by true.blue.strine
Parking here.
Has anyone considered that perhaps that girl sought advice from her male colleagues for the same reason that women come to this board? Sometimes you want to get the male POV.
Not that you were asking me, but I thought this was interesting so I'm answering ;o)
Behind her back, yes.
Grey area - depends on the circumstances and existing relationship.
Mild flirting, no. Heavy flirting with intent, yes.
No.
No, provided the partner knows about it.
No, provided there is a good reason for contact (eg calling your ex re your children)
no, provided the content is appropriate.
Not sure what you mean by this.
Again, not if the spouse knows about it.
My SO and I have opposite sex friends and we do many of the things you mention with these friends. Provided that there is openness and honesty between the partners, there is no issue.
I have a feeling I'm pretty much going to agree with all your posts on this thread, lol, but I wanted to put a strong ITA right here.
And you have no way of knowing what they talk about at the watercooler or coffee machine. You (general) can't obsess over your SO's conversations with other women - that way lies madness!
I just can't get my head around this POV. I'm not my SO's mother. It's not my right to tell him who he's allowed to be friends with! And he would get VERY short shrift from me if he tried to make me give up one of my friends.
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