Confront or Confide?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Confront or Confide?
59
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 10:22pm

Hello all. This is my first post and I hope to gain a little perspective of my relationship.

Anyway, my boyfriend and I first got together over a year ago. We started out in a serious relationship, but after a couple months he wasn't sure if he loved me. He never told me he did and wouldn't make love until he was. Then after six months he grew distant. I confronted him about it. When I confronted him he said he had been thinking and wanted to break up. He confessed that he had been in love with a girl that lives across the country, but hasn't seen in years.

After the breakup I was left extremely hurt and confused. However, I didn't make any contact with him for four months. Four months after our breakup we ran into each other. He initiated that we remain friends, and I agreed. Since then we remained platonic friends, and hung out with each other at least once a week.

After three months of being just friends (nothing more than a hug) he told me that he missed me, and was in love with me. He told me he will never hurt me again. He has been wooing me since then, and we are back together.

My concern now is that because of the situation of our previous breakup, I'm so afraid that he will hurt me again. Right now I am away on a business trip for a month, and I'm scared he might cheat on me while I'm gone. He occasionally tells me stories about work, and last week when I was still home he told me the troubles of a female coworker (that I didn't know about previous to this) coming in crying about her bad relationship and him and the guys comforting her. Then last night he said that he and his roommate had friends and coworkers over, and that same girl was crying because of guy drama. My boyfriend told me that he and his roommate had to comfort her.

While I am gone my boyfriend told me that he wanted to learn to please me better and got sex books, said he is going to start working out, and just started working day shift instead of night shift (so when I get back we can spend more time together).

Now am I crazy to think that these things he's doing for me may be things he's doing for another girl, specifically the coworker? I never thought I would ever succumb to being the jealous girlfriend, but what should I do? Confront him of what I think? Let it go? Snoop around? Help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 1:24pm

peaceyma I understand where you're coming from, but it seems you are lumping any interaction with a member of the opposite sex that could eventually lead to cheating as "cheating" in and of itself. If a man and a woman get lunch as friends they do have the capacity as adults to talk about normal things and have absolutely no intent for something romantic or sexual. That's not cheating. If they take it further then that's what matters, and if you don't want the man in your life to ever be alone with another female then that's your prerogative of course. But you have to have a dishonorable intent toward someone else in order to cheat. Getting dinner alone may be beyond your individual boundaries but it is NOT "cheating".

In my experience it's when you put a leash and collar on a man that he really begins to act like a dog.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 1:36pm
I hope lavenderlilies is getting something out of the debate that has hijacked her thread.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 4:34pm

Yes, I believe that it is naive to believe a partner would NEVER cheat.

However, I think that a partner will be happier and therefore less likely to cheat if we treat them as trustworthy. If we keep them on a short leash and restrict their interactions, they're more likely to rebel in a big way.

There are no guarantees in life. There is no way to make 100% sure that our partner will never cheat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 4:36pm

>>In my experience it's when you put a leash and collar on a man that he really begins to act like a dog.<<

It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

If you treat a person as a criminal, they're more likely to act as a criminal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 8:36pm
I really think it is up to the specific couple to decide what is cheating and what is not cheating. There really is no debate that is applicable within this thread - different strokes for different folks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 11:11pm
No , having lunch alone isn't cheating if it is an occasional thing. But if it becomes a regular thing I think it opens the door for a unhealthy closeness to develop and turn into an EA eventually. Maybe once you've been burned you are very cautious about these lone meetings for lunch with OP. SEX CO-Workers. Trust is very hard to ever get back 100%.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 11:22pm
I'm not keeping him on a leash. There is a BIG difference between that and setting boundaries in your relationship. He golfs 2x a week, goes to the gym everyday. Also he goes out of town on frequent business trips. Things like that no problem. Having lunch alone with a female co-worker. Problem.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 1:24pm

There's no reason at all to think he's doing all those things for her. You have to find out why you are so insecure and don't feel you can hold a guy if you leave for awhile, or why he'd prefer someone else to you. It's important to feel secure within yourself and good about yourself and also to trust your partner. Without trust a relationship cannot survive for long. And if you start to snoop, you will be on the road to destroying what you've built up.


Realize you and your boyfriend were apart for quite a while. You were even broken up. It didn't matter, he came back to you in the long run because he cared for you. Why

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 6:30pm

Do you believe that a person can be friends with a member of the opposite sex with no sexual intent whatsoever on either side? or do you take a 'When Harry Met Sally' view of male/female interaction?

baby siggy
baby siggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 6:30pm

I don't think you were naive. I think you were unfortunate in that you trusted an untrustworthy person. That doesn't make all men potential cheaters.

Edited for clarity




Edited 1/19/2009 6:34 pm ET by lianne_67
baby siggy