Confront or Confide?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Confront or Confide?
59
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 10:22pm

Hello all. This is my first post and I hope to gain a little perspective of my relationship.

Anyway, my boyfriend and I first got together over a year ago. We started out in a serious relationship, but after a couple months he wasn't sure if he loved me. He never told me he did and wouldn't make love until he was. Then after six months he grew distant. I confronted him about it. When I confronted him he said he had been thinking and wanted to break up. He confessed that he had been in love with a girl that lives across the country, but hasn't seen in years.

After the breakup I was left extremely hurt and confused. However, I didn't make any contact with him for four months. Four months after our breakup we ran into each other. He initiated that we remain friends, and I agreed. Since then we remained platonic friends, and hung out with each other at least once a week.

After three months of being just friends (nothing more than a hug) he told me that he missed me, and was in love with me. He told me he will never hurt me again. He has been wooing me since then, and we are back together.

My concern now is that because of the situation of our previous breakup, I'm so afraid that he will hurt me again. Right now I am away on a business trip for a month, and I'm scared he might cheat on me while I'm gone. He occasionally tells me stories about work, and last week when I was still home he told me the troubles of a female coworker (that I didn't know about previous to this) coming in crying about her bad relationship and him and the guys comforting her. Then last night he said that he and his roommate had friends and coworkers over, and that same girl was crying because of guy drama. My boyfriend told me that he and his roommate had to comfort her.

While I am gone my boyfriend told me that he wanted to learn to please me better and got sex books, said he is going to start working out, and just started working day shift instead of night shift (so when I get back we can spend more time together).

Now am I crazy to think that these things he's doing for me may be things he's doing for another girl, specifically the coworker? I never thought I would ever succumb to being the jealous girlfriend, but what should I do? Confront him of what I think? Let it go? Snoop around? Help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 6:31pm

Beautifully put!

baby siggy
baby siggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 7:13pm
Yes. I believe what Billy Crystal said was true.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 11:32pm
I agree.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 12:56am
Its in every mans nature to want to spread their seed. Men don't desire to be monogamous but the one's that have self control over this desire are mature enough to control this urge. And really do you think if you asked your H if he ever had any desire to have sex with his female friends that he'd tell you the truth? Men have to fight being monogamous every day when they are married. And the longer a man has been marred the harder it becomes Truth is if you let your H have female friends that he hangs around with regularly alone you are taking a risk that something is going to develop, whether or not he's cheated before. So why take a chance? And really in my 50 years on this earth I have seen soooooo many affairs develop between mine as well as friends of mines husbands who's wives allowed alone time with female friends that I would tell anyone that it is not a good idea.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 5:25am

Thing is, my own life and experiences prove that it's not.

I guess everyone varies. As with so many things, if you believe it's true then for you it IS true. KWIM?

baby siggy
baby siggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 5:33am

Actually, women aren't naturally monogamous either (biologically speaking). Men have the drive to spread their seed, and we have the drive to find the best male to propagate with at any given time. Long-term monogamy is no more automatic to us than it is to them.

There is no way I can prevent my SO having an affair if he's dead set on it. If someone is determined to cheat, they WILL find a way. So I choose to trust him to manage his own relationships and friendships. In all honesty, I would feel like I was treating him like a wayward child if I did what you suggest. It's not my right or my place to dictate who he may be friends with, just as he cannot dictate my friendships.

I'd rather trust him and take the risk than have the kind of relationship you're describing. Each to her own, of course :o)

baby siggy
baby siggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 11:54am
I agree that if someone (man or woman) is dead set on having an affair that you can't prevent it. But the thing is that people don't just wake up one day and say "I think I'll have an affair" Emotional affairs often times develop accidentally between close friends or co-workers. Lots of friendly talk which of course can lead to so called harmless flirting. All of a sudden there is an emotional attachment there and you yourself are surprised when you find yourself thinking about this person more than you should be. This happened to me a long time ago with a man I worked with. Started out innocently and one day out of nowhere BAM I couldn't stop thinking about this guy when I was sitting home watching tv in the evening with my husband. I had to start avoiding this guy in the break room. Luckily it was only a temp job. Anyhow nothing ever came of it except my confusion, so no one was hurt.. And I definately didn't see this coming.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 3:23pm

It took me a while to get back here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 4:42pm

Hello everyone,


Please remember to address other members on the board with the same respect you would appreciate in return, and keep in mind that when someone posts here for support, you should try to keep your replies in the thread to the topic of that person's post, rather than hijacking the thread to debate elements of their post with another individual in the thread, as that is neither helpful or supportive to the original poster.


If you have any questions or concerns, please email me at relationshipscm@mail.ivillage.com.


Thank you,

_________________________________________________


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 5:07am

I think your story strengthens my point :o) You had a 'crush' on this guy and you chose to remove yourself from the situation. The attraction happened and you moved away from it. Something almost identical happened to me a couple years ago. This new guy started where I work, and when I first met him he literally took my breath away. So, like you, I was covered in confusion and avoided him as much as possible.

We could both have made the choice to pursue our interest, and there would have been nothing our partner could do to prevent it. No rules or boundaries they laid down would have prevented us from meeting these men, and the thing that stopped us having affairs was our own commitment to our existing relationships.

I guess I'm saying that if that commitment isn't within one's spouse, nothing we do can put it there.

I know we see things differently though, so thanks very much for debating this with me. I suspect we've taken it as far as we can, but at least both sides are here for anyone who's interested :o)

baby siggy
baby siggy