confront or move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2007
confront or move on?
11
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 12:00pm

I almost feel awkward even writing about this because I probably already *know*the answer.


To start w/ background, the last 2 serious relationships I was in previously ended with the girls I was with cheating on me and having a pattern of lies.


Needless to say, it caused me to be fairly insecure for a period.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 12:09pm

Welcome to the board gm138,


In my opinion, I think she lied to you to avoid dealing with you being upset that she was talking to him. But the fact remains that you lied to you.


I don't think this is the right relationship for you because of her contact with her ex. That is something you will never be okay and it doesn't appear that she is going to end it. It will forever be on ongoing battle.


Sorry.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 12:17pm

Welcome to the board gm138,


::I know it's probably best to find a way to address it, and get past my own insecurity about it, but I would hate to ruin a really great relationship if it's all in my head.


It's not all in your head from what I read.


:: feel that if I bring up what I found out, she will probably get so angry with me, believing that I don't trust her, and it could end things.


Ah, hmm, possibly because she's not trustworthy? She LIED no matter how you slice it and covered her tracks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 12:17pm

"I feel that if I bring up what I found out, she will probably get so angry with me, believing that I don't trust her, and it could end things."

That wouldn't be such a bad thing. I can understand why she lied to you - it doesn't make it right, but if she wants to have a platonic friendship with another guy and you get upset over it, she's doing it so that she can have what she wants and you don't get upset. Again it's not really a justification but I want you to understand why she was dishonest.

Don't snoop on someone if you're not prepared to end the relationship over it.

Needless to say, after seven months and a bunch of lying/hurt feelings over exes, marriage is probably the last thing you should be thinking about. You should come clean to her and let her take it as she will. If you really can't deal with her contact with an ex, you need to explain to her that it's a deal-breaker for you. And deal-breakers end the relationship when they are violated. Perhaps this isn't the best relationship for either of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2007
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 1:11pm

seems like the general consensus I'm getting is that maybe the relationship should end over this.


and while I see the validity of these points, I'm just not sure if it's worth throwing the whole relationship away over it.


I know a big part of it is going to be getting myself over the jealousy and insecurity, because chances are I'd just carry that into any future relationship that I enter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 1:20pm

"chances are I'd just carry that into any future relationship that I enter."

Why do you think that? You said in your original post that you're not normally jealous, and that this guy is an exception.

Sabotaging and jealousy doesn't happen if you're aware of it and able to control yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 1:23pm

Her excuse for staying friends with him because they were friends before their relationship makes no sense if he still has romantic feelings for her. She also needs to be totally up front with you and with him. I can't see this being resolved unless she stops speaking to him or you totally trust her. Either way their might be long term resentment. Have you talked to her about meeting him? Maybe that would make you feel more secure in knowing that he has all of the information about your relationship and can see you two together.


Please don't rush marriage with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2007
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 1:24pm

what i mean is that I'd be afraid that if something like that happened again, it's possible I could end up with the same result.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 1:35pm
I agree with your that your issues with trust, etc will likely spill over into future relationship if you end this one. Consider going to individual counseling to help your overcome this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2007
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 1:38pm

She has been up front with him that she is in a very serious relationship now.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 5:18pm

The issue to me isn't that she has an ex as a friend--the issue is that she LIED to you about talking to him.


Not everyone who has an ex as a friend is going to choose to lie to you about it.


Sheri

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