Confronted my fiancee, next step?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Confronted my fiancee, next step?
9
Sun, 06-03-2007 - 9:50pm

Dr. S,

About 2 months ago I posted my problem of my fiancee (military man deployed overseas for one year) who had posted an online ad on Hot or Not, had a page I was unaware of on MySpace and most recently I found out he had a profile put on X-Tube! If you dont know what XTube is, its like a porn MySpace. He put things like he was into tongue rings, black nail polish, women with tatoos. The opposite of me. All the while he tells me every day Im the love of his life, he cant wait to marry me, and was designing a wedding band for me. I know he does love me, and before he was deployed we had spent 2.5 wonderful years together and then got engaged. This is why it was a shock to me.

I finally mustered up the courage and confronted him in an email. He came back today and said he was sorry, took down all the ads/profiles, said he didnt want to lose me and that he just did it for his ego, to see if women would find him attractive. He sweared he has never cheated on me. I know he is honestly crushed by this. But why he needed to get reassurance from other women I dont know. He forgets that on his MySpace ad he put 'if you are stationed here, let me know and we will go out for a movie or dinner' and made no mention he had a loving fiance back in the US. Im torn between the sweet guy I knew who wrote me poems and was always there for me, and this side i have never seen. I dont know what to believe. Im putting the wedding off for now. I just dont know if I should try and work things out and believe him?

wintersong

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 2:15pm

Welcome back to the board winter_song,


I think it is good that you called off the wedding for now. How long until he comes back from deployment? If you decided you want to try and work things out with him, ask him to go to premartial counseling with you. Trust is a hard thing to earn back and the counseling can be really helpful.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 1:23am

Hi winter_song,


"He forgets that on his MySpace ad he put 'if you are stationed here, let me know and we will go out for a movie or dinner' and made no mention he had a loving fiance back in the US. "


And he'd be ok with this type of behavior from you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 12:05pm
He wants to be married to a nice girl and have some liasons with someone who where black nail polish on the side. Think hard about staying with this man. He only deleted his web pages because he got caught.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 3:49pm
Do you know why my message was deleted?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 3:51pm

Nevermind, it wasn't deleted. Sorry to hijack this thread

Gina

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 6:00pm
We were planning to marry this September when he comes home for vacation. He is deployed until next April! After that he goes directly to Italy for 2 years, or 3 if we are married. So not only do I have to make a decision to marry, I also have to give up my job, leave my family behind, sell my car, etc.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 6:52pm

It's a good idea to put the wedding off for now, and spend some time really working things through. When is he coming back? Even before he does, it would be a very good idea for you to go to therapy and work through your feelings of confusion, betrayal and loss. His behavior certainly showed a side of him that was frightening. It's also the shock of not knowing who he fully is that makes you need to take pause. We all have many aspects of our being, but it seems as though your fiancee has a double side. Take your time, get good therapy, work it through carefully so that you can feel certain about your choice.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 1:04pm
the dr and everyone one else is right. give back the ring and figure out why you'd even consider a married life with a man that would treat you like this. how can he even be a husband being gone so long. figure out why you'd want this for yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 10:55am

i have a question? how do you find out if someone has a MySpace account?

i find it rather disturbing that he would do this even with the excuse that he gave you. why is it that men can do pretty much whatever they want and the woman just sits back and wonders what in the heck is wrong with her????? i for one totally hate that!!!! there is nothing wrong with you - he seems to have a problem with self esteem and unfortunately you can't fix that for him. i am sorry to know that you have to go through this b/c it is not fair at all. i wonder how he would feel if the love of his life was just looking to see if other men found you attractive. i am almost certain that he wouldn't like it one bit!

i really don't mean to come off so brash. i guess i am just having a bad day or something. either way, there is really only 2 choices - you can forgive him and stay or you don't forgive him and you leave. but if you forgive him then you really have to forgive him and trust again. that for me always has seemed to be the hardest part, with everyone from family to friends to relationships, it usually takes me a long time to trust again. i have cut people out of my life for less than your boyfriend has done.

good luck and i hope all works out for you