Confuse, lost, disappointed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Confuse, lost, disappointed.
2
Thu, 07-04-2013 - 3:58pm

I need some serious help.. I been married for a second time for 11 years now but for the past couple of years I have been feeling not love, lonely, distant, like he gives me a hug or a kiss just when he feels like. We been having lots of issues in the past because he discovered I was talking with other men, I do take responsibility for my actions and although I know its not an excuse part of the reason I did it was cause of the same situation , not feeling wanted or love by him. He says he loves me, but really doesnt show it the way a husband its supposed to show it. Our sex life its also taken a toll because I dont feel like having sex most of the time. He most of the time anything I say or if we having a conversation over a particular topic he makes me feel dumb, He feels like or at least he makes me feel like his right all the time. I feel stock, like I dont do the things I like to do. I work from home and most of the time im home 7 days a week , If I do go out its to his mothers house. We do have one car but he uses the can mainly , if in a rare case i use it and im gone for a couple of hours he'll start calling asking where am at. He his finishing his second career as an attorney I feel like I havent been able to do the same, but havent been able to do it cuase we some issues I have have to resolve, but I told him I was thinking of doing personal training certificate but he said what for if I dont work on that.. Fitness has become a passion of mine and you never know down the road if I can use it. The other day we went to the market  and I wanted to buy some alcohol to make a special drink for his sister's birthday, he right away said , what for im not a bartender.. Seems like everything I want to do he thinks is stupid for him. I cant stand this anymore really, I want to leave him but dont know how , when to do it. Before I meet him i was very independent woman did my own things, had my own car. I know i cant do the same things I did when i was single, but i feel like i cant be myself either. I tell him his very dominant and very controlling he denies it all the time but of course he will denied it. We have 2 daughters and I dont them to grow on a family that isnt happy. Im desperate . Any advise will be appreciated. Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 07-06-2013 - 1:45pm

He probably doesn't trust you because of what you did in the past (talking to other men).  That's unfortunate, but he needs to let it go and live now, not in the past.  But at the same time, you say you aren't interested in sex.......don't you think that maybe that's making him suspicious or unhappy?  You both have a communication problem, and you need some serious help so that you can BOTH learn to talk to each other, and NOT be hurtful to each other.  You are right that you don't want your children to grow up in an unhappy home, but divorce isn't always the answer.  Most marriages can be saved if BOTH are willing to work on it.  The first thing you need to do is sit him down in a calm and peaceful way, and TALK to him.  Tell him how you feel.  Don't yell, don't whine, don't blame him......tell him how YOU feel, not what he's doing wrong.  Meaning, it hurts me when you "put me down".  And if he's willing to listen, then tell him that you want to know how HE is feeling.  It would be wonderful if this would work for you!  Also, look into a marriage counselor that you can talk to.  Even if he won't go, you go alone, because you can learn how to deal with him, and how to make yourself feel better.  For your children's sake, before you just end it, try to fix it.  Both of you have problems, and both of you have to work on them, not just him!!!  Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 07-05-2013 - 9:40am

Well, you said it yourself, you need serious help, which means you need to see a marriage therapist. You two lack the skills to solve problems yourselves, otherwise you'd be making improvements. Tell your spouse you want to make things better in the marriage and want him to attend therapy with you so you two can gain the skills to do so. If he refuses to go, tell him you're going yourself, to show him the seriousness of the state of things. In the meantime, go to the library and get Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. It's an excellent book on positive ways to communicate with each other and get results. Good luck.