Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Confused
3
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 6:07pm
Please help me with this situation. My wife and I have been separated for approximately 6 months and now are getting divorced. During this time, I have met someone that makes me extremely happy. However, she is in an abusive relationship. Not only physically but mostly mentally. I find myself very protective of her because I sincerely care alot about her. We are very close and I would like to continue seeing her after my divorce is final. She tells me that her relationship is over and he tells me that they aren't boyfriend and girlfriend yet they spend 4-5 nights together but just as friends. She tells me that she is extremely in love with me and I believe her. However, why is she still with the chump? She tells me that she is over him but she thinks she stays because it is familiar. They have been together for 4 years and it has mostly been pretty bumpy. Could it be possible that she is not letting go of him because she doesn't think me and wife will finally divorce. I love her very much and I am confused as to how to deal with it. She obviously has her situation to deal with and so do I but I don't want her to leave my life. She has made the happiest I have ever been in my life. Please advise my next step.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: torn2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 6:42pm
This is why she is still with him:

she is in an abusive relationship

That's the MO of abusive relationships.

Let me tell you what you are doing to her by being in her life - you are giving her emotional support, love, etc. just enough to keep her where she is. Your attention, love, involvement makes where she lives tolerable. And she will continue with this pattern until she knows and believes she deserves better, until she heals, learns about herself, becomes self-aware, until she's ready to face her life choices and change for her, not for you.

Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
In reply to: torn2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 7:11pm
So do I discontinue contact with her? We talk to each other approximately 2-3 times a day and I tell you what when I don't have contact with her I feel like something is missing. I am starting a new life without my wife and I can't stop thinking about this other woman. She is amazing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: torn2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 11:50am
As long as you remain in contact with her, you enable her to stay in her situation/marriage, if you want to be with her, then you need to tell her: I need and want more than this. I'm unable to continue to be your emotional support so you can stay in your marriage. If and when you decide you want to be with me, call me, until then I think it's best if we have no contact.

Yes, it's hard to say and do, but if you don't draw a line, set a boundary, she will stay exactly where she is.


Carrie