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| Thu, 05-06-2004 - 4:26pm |
One more question: Up until recently, I knew my boyfriend's cellphone password to retrieve voicemails. When I went in to his voicemail to try to check if he ever heard my message I left him, I found out that he changed the password. Then I find out that he's no longer using his email account that he told me about. I went in one day to retrieve something and saw that none of his friends had emailed him in about 3 weeks (they constantly email each other, so this is highly unusual), which makes me think that he's created a new email account that he's keeping from me. These discoveries are really hitting a nerve and I don't know how to approach him about them. I don't want to come across like I was snooping, but I do want to confront him on it. My thought is that if he didn't have anything to hide from me, he wouldn't have the need to change his passcode to his voicemail and create a new email account. I don't have any problems with him having access to any of my accounts because I know I have nothing to hide. Any thoughts on how to handle this situation?
Thanks and sorry this message is so long!

First, you two got together when you were very young, immature, and life inexperienced. So you weren't choosing one another back then from a position of self-awareness, respect, acceptance and responsibility. You chose one another because you knew one another, ran in teh same circles, clicked well sexually, and understood "love/like/relationship" on a very life-inexperienced plane.
And you've stuck together...the thing is...that hasn't necessarily allowed/forced/permitted either of you to grow as individuals.
The "fairy tale" of we met and were high school sweethearts, we married nad we're still together 50 years later....that works...if both people had similar childhood experiences, value systems, and priorities at the time that they met - they quickly in adulthood married one another...with both people having a high value on commitment. They grew parallel and always with the knowledge/commitment/awareness/desire to have this person as integral to their life.
But, you two have been together 12 years...and there has been no step towards commitment. Meaning that he at least doesn't know what he wants or values - or maybe he does and knows that marriage isn't something he wants/values - and doesn't wnat to break that to you because that would end the alliance and his benefit in it.
But what should NEVER go on is you sitting there like a patient victim - waiting for life to "come to you".
So, if at this time - you're prepared to commit for better or worse, and start having kids, bills, duties, obligations, shared finances and responsiblities.....then YOU know you are ready for that. "That" is not marriage - but it is part of the structure of marriage/cohabitation. If you're prioritizing and valuing "that"...and he does not - you'll never get "that" with him....no matter how long you wait, or what you offer, sacrifice or endure.
People do what they do because they want to do it. Their values and priorities justify and entitle their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Those same values determine in every aspect and situation their character, conscience, integrity and honor.
An ultimatum is what you're proposing...marry me or I"ll walk. Well....if you're havin to do that then the person - whether considering or not the idea of marrying you post-threat - is only weighing "is this person beneficial enough to me in terms of ease, convenience, and options that the obligation of being around them and committed to them is outweighed by my benefits in this alliance as an entity." In short - they're not saying "YOU" are what I want...they are considering whether YOU are what they'll tolerate being saddled with in light of the benefits an alliance with you offers them. So no - not only do you not want to marry under an ultimatum....you don't want ever in life to do anything with anybody, or in any situation -where you have issued an ultimatum. Because what you're saying is "if I don't get my way - I walk". So you'll either have to walk if they don't concede...or you may get what you want in terms of definition or title...but find out they can make your life living hell as a result of hte alliance htey didn't want...that you now can't walk away from without tons of loss, debt, etc.
I think if he valued married and commitment - he'd have pursued it prior to now. YOu two are "stuck"...you're both pretty much still being around 18....letting life drift by, determining your options as based on the situations...and you're now getting out of the rut and going "I won't become what I don't make of myself and won't have what I don't pursue".
He's still content to stay with you - AS IT IS RIGHT NOW...but it appears he might be preparing for such time as you issue that ultimatum and he doesn't concede...or else he's thinkinng along the lines that he hasn't had enough variety in his life expereinces and partners - and is considering going elsewhere himself.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com