Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Confused
2
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 1:25pm
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. Living together for about 2-1/2 years. My boyfriend and I met on the night he moved out from his and his wifes home. I was not the reason their marriage failed. I didn't know him prior to meeting him 3 years ago. We had so much in common. I was living with my now ex-husband, but separately. We were only together for 2 years and the whole marriage was a mistake. I moved out about 2 weeks after meeting my boyfriend. Neither of us wanted a relationship, but sparks flew. We fell in love. We knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We planned to be married once our divorces were final.

As is typical, we had many discussions about our likes and dislikes. One of our discussions was about looking at other people of the opposite sex. Based on my previous experience of men checking out other women, I told him I didn't have a problem with it. Apparently, this was an issue with his ex-wife. He and his ex-wife had not had "relations" for well over 2 years. My boyfriend went to strip clubs. This I had a problem with. My opinion of strippers (sorry for any out there) was not the best in the world. He seemed to think of them as his friends. I felt that I had to see what all this was about (yes, I know it was silly) so I agreed to go with him to a strip club. In order to be able to handle this situation, I got rather drunk. I guess if I am really honest, I was puzzled at the fascination of seeing a stripper when you are in an agreed committed relationship. After about a year, I told my boyfriend that I really did have a problem with it. He agreed to stop going. Since this agreement he has been to a strip club a couple times behind my back. He still hasn't stopped checking out other women. He of course says that he doesn't do it and that it is all in my imagination. Do you ever get the feeling that something is going on that you know isn't right? I had this feeling one time, and decided to check his email. This really is not anything I have ever done before and I feel quite ashamed that I did. There was an email from a woman that I did not know. This was approximately 2 years into the relationship. Some of it was fairly innocent, but I find any discussion on sex with a woman that you have never met rather odd. I could tell it had not been going on for long, but the content was inappropriate for a man who was living with a woman. I confronted him. He vehemently denied emailing any women. I brought him downstairs, logged on and showed him the message. He said he thought he had deleted it. She was just a friend. I was very upset. My trust went out the window. Maybe, it was perfectly innocent, but I didn't think it was right. Am I crazy for not wanting my man to do things like that? My lack of trust made my boyfriend very angry. He does have a problem with anger. Both the lack of trust and anger has remained the biggest problem in our relationship. Our relationship is incredibly good when it is good and really bad when we are struggling with these issues. He tells me all the time that I am not as committed to making the relationship work as he is. He tells me that trusting someone is a choice. As man thinketh is one of his favorite books. He has forced me to confront a lot of issues from my past. Which is one of the things that although it is difficult to introspect that I truly love and appreciate in him. I have grown considerably because of this. My boyfriend is a good man. We have a great relationship with the exception of these two issues.

My boyfriend has been laid-off 3 times in the 3 years we have been together. He made what contributions he could, but the bulk of the responsibility was on me. He likes to spend money on his musical equipment and go to see friends bands. He would get upset if I said no when the money was tight. I felt that I was a little bullied into finally submitting to him on these issues. I'm not a weak person and do stand my ground (which causes problems)but I like to please him. I would go without in order to accomodate his needs. All of this makes him sound like a bad guy...he really isn't. I just want him to understand that you can't always just will yourself to change overnight, that it takes time.

On November 2nd, I gave my life to Christ. It is something that I felt was missing in my life.I then realized that it is not God's will to live together. On Tuesday, I asked my boyfriend to move out. I asked him if would could get counselling on the issues that we have not been able to resolve in the past 3 years with the intent that if we are able to resolve the issues that we will get married. He agreed. I really do want to spend my life with him, but don't know how to get over the issues that we have been unable to resolve. His focus is on getting a job and finding a place to live. He won't discuss the issues because he feels that we haven't been able to resolve them in 3 years that we won't be able to now. He feels that the only way to possibly resolve them is counselling. Both of us don't want to get married then end up divorced again. I am so incredibly confused. I know I should just be patient, but I love this man so much and want to fix the problems. This email just barely touches the surface, but I just wanted to give an insight to our problems. Does anyone have any advice?

Avatar for heatherjohnst
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: jlc124
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 3:17pm
"He's a good man" you say !! Reread your post as if it were written by someone else.....and you may rethink that line. The way I see it -

1) He lies to you.

* About going to strip clubs. Which he is totally aware you uncomfortable with.

* About his internet "Friend". Which , by the way.....if it were totally innocent, he wouldn't need to hide her existance!

2) He is selfish.

* When money is tight , he's lookin' out for #1 !

* You "feel" bullied to give him his way.

* His music hobby is more important than bills ! You give up (Freely I might add) financial stability to support his HOBBY! How totally nuts!

Someones "Core Morals" are almost unchangable. Mostly because a lot of people see nothing wrong with what they are doing. I don't believe people will (not saying CAN'T) change unless they see the "Flaw" in their thinking. Do you believe he has the inner strength to change ? If so - great! If not - you know what needs to be done.

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jlc124
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 3:34pm
He's not necesarily a bad guy just a man who made the unfortunate choice of jumping right into a relationship while still legally married and a lot of his actions seem consistent with a man who never got a chance to be single after his marriage.