confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2011
confused
8
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 3:57pm

I have been with my fiance for 1 1/2 years now. He works all the time and I stay at home with the kids. My two from a previous relationship and his little one he has joint custody. Mind you, he has became very stressed with all the finances and car breaking down. He works everyday just to never make ends meet. He treats me like a queen and I honestly thought I treated him very well. Well he went out the other night and didn't come home until the next morning. Yes, I was mad and I blew up at him. He tells me he loves me when he leaves to go to work, hugs me, kisses me. But when I ask if we can work on this, he tells me he doesn't know. For the past week things have just seemed bad between us. I want to fix this, but don't know what to do anymore. I love him dearly and his child. He always told me he wanted twenty some years for me, I am the woman of his dreams, he wants to grow old with me. He will always be there for me. I reassured him that I will be there for him whenever he wants to talk. Things just feel off and I want it to get back to normal. No he isn't cheating on me. He is a very honest man! Couples fight, right? Surely he is just processing all this stress. And I want to be there for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 5:23pm

I do wonder why you aren't working too if you are barely making ends meet.  Did you work before you met him?  Do you get child support?  I was divorced with kids & I wouldn't expect my 2nd DH to be supporting kids that weren't his.  Is that the source of his frustration?

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 11-05-2012 - 8:33am

wearewhoweare wrote:
<p><span style="font-size:medium">I have been with my fiance for 1 1/2 years now. He works all the time and I stay at home with the kids. My two from a previous relationship and his little one he has joint custody. Mind you, he has became very stressed with all the finances and car breaking down. He works everyday just to never make ends meet. He treats me like a queen and I honestly thought I treated him very well. Well he went out the other night and didn't come home until the next morning. Yes, I was mad and I blew up at him. He tells me he loves me when he leaves to go to work, hugs me, kisses me. But when I ask if we can work on this, he tells me he doesn't know. For the past week things have just seemed bad between us. I want to fix this, but don't know what to do anymore. I love him dearly and his child. He always told me he wanted twenty some years for me, I am the woman of his dreams, he wants to grow old with me. He will always be there for me. I reassured him that I will be there for him whenever he wants to talk. Things just feel off and I want it to get back to normal. No he isn't cheating on me. He is a very honest man! Couples fight, right? Surely he is just processing all this stress. And I want to be there for him.</span></p>

considering your financial situation is what it is, it would make a lot of sense for you to look into getting back to earning income to close the gap that his income isn't covering... either that or cutting waaaaay back on things other than the necessities, like food, clothing, heat and electricity.   

When it comes down to the income of just one person who is working all of the time and it's not covering monthly expenses, keeping the status quo will not pay those bills.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2011
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 12:22am

I am now learning that he is an alcoholic and has relapsed basically from all the stress. He gave up drinking when we got together because he wanted me and didn't want to lose me. I didn't know he had a problem with it in the past. He told me he is a monster when he drinks and it is how he deals with things. I tried to tell him I am here for him and want to help. He told me actions speak louder than words. Then it went on to me not trusting him and he doesn't know what he wants. However, he is leaving daily after work to party. It has just been a little under a week too. Seems like months. I told him that I am going to find emergency housing. He wrote me a note saying he never said I had to leave and he is sorry for all the pain he has caused me, but this is how he is. I think he is cheating on me with a coworker or his. He calls me though from work today asking how my interview went. Mind you I never told him I had one, he must have overheard a conversation I was having with someone else. I told him I got my job back and he seemed happy for me. He came home from work tonight, grabbed something, and got into someones car and left. I don't know what to do. I really have no where to go right now. I don't know if I should help me or not.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
In reply to: Kendahke1
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 9:33am

wearewhoweare wrote:
<p>I am now learning that he is an alcoholic and has relapsed basically from all the stress. He gave up drinking when we got together because he wanted me and didn't want to lose me. I didn't know he had a problem with it in the past. He told me he is a monster when he drinks and it is how he deals with things. I tried to tell him I am here for him and want to help. He told me actions speak louder than words. Then it went on to me not trusting him and he doesn't know what he wants. However, he is leaving daily after work to party. It has just been a little under a week too. Seems like months. I told him that I am going to find emergency housing. He wrote me a note saying he never said I had to leave and he is sorry for all the pain he has caused me, but this is how he is. I think he is cheating on me with a coworker or his. He calls me though from work today asking how my interview went. Mind you I never told him I had one, he must have overheard a conversation I was having with someone else. I told him I got my job back and he seemed happy for me. He came home from work tonight, grabbed something, and got into someones car and left. I don't know what to do. I really have no where to go right now. I don't know if I should help me or not.</p>

You mean help him or not, right?

The best way to help an alcoholic is to not enable his alcoholism.  They have to help themselves.  If he is unable to see the positives that you bring to his life, then there is nothing you can do to make him. The liquor is controlling him, not his sane mind.  Yes actions speak louder than words; however, this is about his actions and not yours.  You're not the one who has relapsed back into drinking, which is something major that he hid from you.  I guess it would be hard to trust someone who traffics in deceit like that.  Drinking isn't dealing with anything: it's running away from that which he needs to deal with.

It seems he's trying to insinuate that he's caught you in something by asking how your interview went. That's rich---it's projection, if nothing else.

But, I'm concerned that he's got a child that he's basically left with you while he goes out and parties. Where is that child's mother and is she capable of taking care of her own child? What of other blood relatives? When you find your emergency housing, what of his child?  Who will you leave his child with?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2011
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 7:19pm

His child is back with her mother. They had joint custody. I did know he had a past with drinking, but was not aware of what an alcoholic really does and when they relapse. All this is new to me. However, it only being a little over a week of pure chaos, but I am used to the fact of him leaving. Like today he came home from work, took a nap, showered, and left. I didn't speak a word to him and he didn't say a thing to me. I don't know what to say anymore. I have let him know that I am here for him if and when he is ready to talk to me and/or get help. I don't want to fight because it leads nowhere. He is not the man I fell in love with 1 year and 7 months ago. It hurts really bad!

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
In reply to: Kendahke1
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 6:11pm

wearewhoweare wrote:
<p>His child is back with her mother. They had joint custody. I did know he had a past with drinking, but was not aware of what an alcoholic really does and when they relapse. All this is new to me. However, it only being a little over a week of pure chaos, but I am used to the fact of him leaving. Like today he came home from work, took a nap, showered, and left. I didn't speak a word to him and he didn't say a thing to me. I don't know what to say anymore. I have let him know that I am here for him if and when he is ready to talk to me and/or get help. I don't want to fight because it leads nowhere. He is not the man I fell in love with 1 year and 7 months ago. It hurts really bad!</p>

question for you: how long are you going to allow him to use you, your good will, your home, your utilities as his waystation inbetween his partying?

I understand that you want to help him and that you love him: however, I also can see the fine line between being helpful and being an enabler.  The fact that you allow him to come and go at will without speaking one word to you is breathtaking.  I guess my question boils down to are you going to like the person you'll have to become in order to have this man in your life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2011
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 8:54pm

I have left him. Things were extremely stressful and hurtful in that house. I knew he was sleeping with someone besides me and that was the last draw. I am almost fully moved out. Looking for a job and a new home for my children and I. My heart is still hurting really bad. I got a little out of control with my anger towards him when I was packing up some of my things. But what can I say....I am mad as hell!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2014
Fri, 02-14-2014 - 4:51pm
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