Confused!!!?!!!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2007
Confused!!!?!!!?
5
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 3:35am
I have been with this woman for almost 3 years. She doesn't trust me cause I have lied in the past. There has been no cheating. Anyways, we lived together for about a year and a half until about 3 months ago. I moved out but we continue to see each other all the time. I stay over at least 3 nights a week. Our sex is great. She is a guy magnet!!! She says I am Mr. Right as long as I can be honest. I am honest with her. 2 weeks ago she joined a dating site and I found out. She said it was a joke between her and a friend. I was a little insecure and probed her about it but realized my insecurities were doing more harm. In short, she tells me she is not looking for a relationship or anybody else. I found her password to the site and she has been talking to a few guys. She is supposed to fly out of town to visit one of these guys this saturday and she has a date with another tomorrow nite. I found this out a couple of days ago. I have acted like nothin was wrong. I do know she still plans on going on the date tomorrow nite but not sure if she is going this weekend. I know there are lots of holes in this story but tryin to keep it short. I'm confused cause what she hated about me and the way I acted in the past (sneaky and lies) is exactly what she is doing now. She doesn't know that I know all this. I love this woman dearly and I know she knows that. She just doesn't trust me. Just want a womans point of view. If she wants to date others, why doesn't she tell me? Is she just waiting for me to prove to her that I can be honest? I asked her to dinner wed. knowin she already had plans. She just blew me off. I know I snooped and that is probably wrong. If I hadn't, I would be totally in the dark. I just want to understand so I can take the steps I need to. I don't want to loose her. Feel free to ask questions. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 4:10am

Boogerred, I'm curious as to how stable your relationship is. And in how much effort your girlfriend is making when trying to trust you again.

With these thoughts in mind, I've got two questions for you

1. How long ago did you lie?
2. Why did you move out 3 months ago?

It's just the way you write, I get the feeling you lied a long time ago. And if she's not gotten over it by now, she ain't never gonna get over it. You see, overcoming a lie takes two people. It needs the person who lied to admit their error, lead a transparent life and change their ways. But equally, the other partner needs to forgive and look towards trusting again. If she can't leave the lie behind, you're beating a dead horse.

Regarding her looking online? I can't make further comments till I know why you moved out. I'm tending to think she doesn't feel for you in the same way you feel for her....but I'd like more info.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2007
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 10:17am
I lied to her a couple of weeks ago. When I found out she was on the dating site, I did a trial and looked at her profile. Told her I had not been on the site when I actually had. I came clean with her. We were both cheated on in past marriages so that doesn't help this situation any. She is real insecure, guess we both are, I have had a wondering eye in the past, just a guy noticing but it got to where she thought I was looking at every woman that passed by. I don't turn my head to look at woman, I did in the past but once she brought it to my attention, I don't disrespect her anymore. That with the lies, she wanted me to move out and work on changing. I agreed, the last 7 weeks have been good for me, except for the lie about the site. Our relationship isn't stable, I know that. I agree with your commit about how she feels for me. She has for sure built a wall around her heart. We don't have kids together but she has two full time and I have two part of the time. That may be the only reason we are still somewhat together. Her kids love me and I treat them very well. She knows this and thanks me for loving her kids. I know she is confused and is probably fighting a battle on to hang on to me or completly let me go. Guess I'm answering my own questions here. Be ware of snooping, you may find out the whole truth but that truth will feel like a dagger in the heart. I just don't know what to do. I still want to be with her, none of this changes my mind about that. I have a chance to put myself real close to where her date is tonite. I've thought about doing it just to see if I happen to run into them. If I don't, no big deal. If I do, then maybe this will bring all this out in the open. I realize that could be bad but I can't bring this up to her cause she will know I snooped, not gonna do that. It's that or sit back and be honest me and see how things play out. What do I do? She has lied a few times to cover all these sneaky actions. She loves attention from other men and I hate that. Believe me she gets plenty of it, she is HOT!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2006
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 10:50am

You need to be there!! If she is planning a date and than jokes about it, I would be there to watch and see what happens, than you will have your answer.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 5:40pm

sorry dude. she may love and care for you and be torn about your role in her kids life; but she has told you she doesn't trust you. she is telling you she doesn't want to be with you anymore. now she is on a dating site, looking to find someone else.

that is not the actions of a woman that is into you or that thinks there might be a future with you. she has already moved on and so should you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 6:00pm

>>I lied to her a couple of weeks ago. When I found out she was on the dating site, I did a trial and looked at her profile. Told her I had not been on the site when I actually had. I came clean with her. <<

You're NOT the bad guy here. You did what you could to catch HER in a lie. To be honest, the fact that you are accepting being treated as the bad guy throws up some red flags about your own self esteem (or lack there of).

Not only this incident, but there is other stuff too. She's lied to you in the past, but can't cope with a lie of yours. Double standard. She can't cope with you glancing at other women, but relishes in the attention men give her. Double standard.

You need to pick up what's left of your dignity and leave before you accept any more of her double standards. Then go to counselling and figure out why you let yourself be treated in this manner. It's really not healthy.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace