Confused?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Confused?
7
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 12:34pm

My hubby and I agreed that we'd part ways on 5/5/07. it's been a little over a month, and just this past week we talked about everything and he made a list of things that he needed me to change about myself and my habits that would help him be happier in our relationship..he labeled it "Things I hate about how you and i work", but it really turned out to be things that I had to change for him.
This is my problem though... My hubby is very indifferent. Indifferent towards me, indifferent towards both sides of our family...indifferent even towards his twin brother...the only person he's not indifferent to is our 3.5 yr old daughter. We went through an ordeal while I was PG where he wanted a divorce, he moved in a girl he worked with, while i moved out, and then asked her to move out, and asked me to move back in...now me...while feeling horrible about bringing my child into all this drama...i went back to him..it was hard for me to forgive him...even harder to trust him again...he swore that they never slept together, but honestly, how can i believe that?? lol
So anyways back to the present, this past wed. night, he moved his clothes back in from his moms house...and we spent the evening watching tv..then we took a shower together, and then we went to bed...took care of his needs.....as usual..and i'm left in the bedroom afterwards while he can't sleep and goes and watches TV...well the next morning he wakes me up an hour before i have to leave for work and tells me he made the wrong decision and that he is too detached in his feelings for me. I have never felt so used and degraded in my life...he says he didn't mean for me to feel that way, but how else can I feel? We've been together for 8 years, married for 4 of them...I wanted to try to work this out for our daughter, it just seems more right to work on us rather than trust myself to find another trustworthy man...

what do i do now?? i was being so good at being nice to him and we were friends, and then this happens, and i have so much anger towards him...that i can't see straight.

then i asked him why he doesn't take Abi on both his days off instead of just Wed...and he says he feels guilty....WHY??? he won't tell me, I told him he has no reasons to feel guilty..but i just feel like he's feeding me these excuses and lies, and i just get madder and madder..until i feel like i could smack him in the head...i've tried writing in a journal over my anger towards him...i'm just so confused on what he is doing to us...i just don't know..i hate being unsure about things..

any advice would be much appreciated
amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: abimom2004
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 1:49pm

Hi Amanda,


I would recommend you start counseling with or without him. Go, at some point you can invite him to join you, but at least in the mean time it will give you a safe place to vent your feelings and to sort through them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
In reply to: abimom2004
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 1:57pm

I did go to counseling after I had our daughter. I felt like he was lying to me, and I was insecure where he was concerned. I couldn't believe that he didn't sleep with her...as my counselor said the same things. She said there is no way that she lived there and didn't pay rent and not give him something in return. But I try not to dredge up the past in my dealings with him, because he just gets defensive.

I just don't understand how the person that I fell in love with 8 years ago is the same person who could make me feel so used and unloved. It's just so hard to get past the hurt this time...it almost feels as bad as it did when he told me all that crap when I was pregnant. It just feels like I've wasted 4 years of my life, that I shouldn't have even gotten back together with him when I was pregnant. He is just so indifferent towards me now, although I have read that indifference is a step towards the divorce process. He hasn't turned the papers in though..what's that supposed to mean? Does he want one? Or what? I can't get a straight answer from him...how do I get him to be honest with me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: abimom2004
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 2:03pm

Hi again,


His indifference sounds like depression to me. He feels guilty but you can't make him be honest, talk to you, work it out, etc.


And 4 yrs aren't wasted..... you learned a lot right?

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: abimom2004
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 2:47pm

To begin, I think it would be very useful and important for you to find a good therapist and talk this all over with them. You understandably have many feelings and you need time and professional guidance to sort it out.


Clearly your former husband has much conflict, confusion and uncertainty. He doesn't really know what he's doing and doesn't seem able to maintain a good, healthy, solid relationship. Unless he went into a great deal of counseling or therapy as well, I don't see how the two of you could make this work. Patterns repeat themselves over and over unless we stop and work them through.


It's sad that your relationship has to end when you have a daughter, but ultimately it will be healthier for her to have a healthy mother who is happy and whole, someone who has a chance to go forward to find and create a relationship where everyone feels secure and respected and can do well.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
In reply to: abimom2004
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 7:00pm
Hi Amanda, sorry to hear about your relationship problems. I think because you hate being unsure about things and he brings out so much anger in you that you should stick with the decision made on 5/5 and decide to seperate and divorce. You need to take control and don't let this man (I understand he's the father of your child) "use" you. The journals are a good idea, music helps, too. (as do long baths, walks and scented candles, at least for me.) Just don't let him or anyone else find your journal. Please make a sincere effort to stop worring about him feeling guilty about how many days he takes your daughter. Worry about how you're doing. Is he willing to talk with a therapist or counseller? (same thing? I don't know, Im just wondering if he's willing to communicate)In all honesty, it's sounding like a really bad situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
In reply to: abimom2004
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 9:49pm

No he won't even consider talking to a therapist about anything..or a pastor..or anyone else he considers a "Hypocrite" I invited him to go to the park with Abi and I today after I got home from work, because we take time to walk a mile together every night..and if she doesn't throw a fit when we leave..we come back the next day to the park...thinking he might like to spend some time with her...he was like..well i can't go until later..my mom and family are having a dinner here...i'm like..my daughter isn't ur family?? it just kind of hurt my feelings..i just don't understand his indifference. He has never been indifferent towards me...I guess it's just part of the separating process...it just hurts more than what I thought it would.

Thank you for all of your advice..everyone...I guess I just need to get over the ideas of it being better to try to fix "US" instead of trying to find someone new. It's just so scary for me to think of dating. I just don't even know where to begin in the whole thing..he's the only man I've known...we have been together since I was 17...OH WELL :) It's a learning process...at least my daughter and I are closer than ever..and she doesn't even ask about why he moved out or anything..she just accepts everything that happens...although we remain friends when we are around her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
In reply to: abimom2004
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 1:49am

I can imagine how the indifference hurts. If my H and I have a really bad fight, he can get that way and it's like a totally different person, just all the love gone. It's hurtful and scary. Yes, I think you're right, part of the process, Id guess, too.

I can also see how dating could be scary. But it could be fun and exciting- you get dressed up and go places, get out of the house. And when you find the right person, you get to have that new relationship feeling. And you will find someone else if that is what you want. (I guess Id want that too , eventually if we split.) There are so many women who are married multiple times. Im certainly not ssying you have to be like that, but just demonstrates that life does go on.

It's good he is decent (like friends) in front of your daughter. Getting over your first serious relationship is hard but remember, most people do not end up with thier first love. I didn't and got over it though at the time, of course it seemed like the end of the world. You will be ok. My dad , who is the smartest person by far Ive ever met always says "it's better to cry for a year than for the rest of your life." Meaning in time you will get over it , but if you drag it out (and some people drag these things out forever b/c endings are definately hard.) you will be miserable much longer. I wish you the best. You will get over him in time, I promise :) .