confused
Find a Conversation
confused
| Fri, 06-01-2007 - 1:48pm |
After I confessed my affair to my bf - he wanted to have sex all the time (when he was less angry with me). Now, several months later, he doesn't want to touch me at all. He also has resorted to having "punishing" me by calling me names, making "dates" with me and then either cancelling at the last minute, calling me at work and telling me how I have "given up my rights" in the relationship, that he may or may not be home and might be on a date...(he has been home) but just the fact that he calls me several times a day with such "stunts". It seems he wants to upset me at any point he can. What can I do? Any advice.

His behavior is pretty normal for someone that has been cheated on. Not that he's right to treat you this way, but it is how he feels after being betrayed by you.
What he is doing sounds a lot like abuse to me. I am against affairs as much as the next person, and I know that it is a very difficult thing to go through. However, no matter how bad you are suffering that does not give a person any excuse to emotionally and verbally abuse their partner. I would actually not advise going to counseling with him if he is behaving this way. He's not interested in working through the situation. He's only interested in putting you down and making you feel worse. He is only going to use counseling to manipulate the situation further and make you feel worse about yourself. Any body who has dealt with victims of domestic abuse would tell you that it is a bad idea to go to counseling with somebody who he is in the same mindset as he is. This is the wheel of power and control. You should take a look at it and see how it relates to what he is doing:
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/wheel.htm
I would also really recommend that you read the book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. Good luck!
You say that your relationship was strong in the past, but if that were really true, why did you cheat on him? Many people cheat because their relationship isn't fulfilling their needs and I can't help but wonder if that were you.
I'm inclined to not recommend counselling for two reasons:
1.I agree with the poster who said that he's likely to turn it all back on you. Or he may lie to the counsellor and act differently with you.
2.I believe that if a dating relationship is so broken that it needs counselling, then it should simply break up.
You see, dating is all about finding someone who behaves in the way we want a partner to behave. At present, he's showing that if you do something bad, he'll turn into a manipulative person who will try and do whatever he can to bring you down. Is this really a trait you seek in a partner?
Personally, I'd be running for the hills.
My bf was involved with an ex of his on-line and on the phone (he claims that is it). my bf began an online/phone relationship with an ex of his (someone he allegedly "hated"). Our relationship was pretty strong - we would discuss everything until this chapter developed. I asked him about her and if he had spoken to her or any e-mails (he wanted her to contact him so he could tell her what a wonderful life he has...). It started as one phone call and when I asked if there were more - he lied to me. He has never lied to me and if he was lying about something as minor as phone calls/e-mails - what else is he lying about? Prior to that - the relationship was quite comfortable. We were each other's bestfriends... Our sex life was almost non-existent (he was paraonoid that even with protection I could get pregnant) for a couple of years - yet, we both were still happy with each other. We spent almost all of our free time together - which we both thought was great. He and his ex were in touch and he thought it would lead me to feeling insecure and jealous so that I "would come after him" and ask "what are you doing?" I was so devasted that after over 10 years, he and I were faithful and now he is "involved" with someone he actually hated for years! I didn't know what to do - tried to talk to him but he denied the phone calls and e-mails - I knew he was lying to my face (something he never did before). I thought through his lies, behavior, distance...that I was being replaced so, I wound up meeting someone and decided that my BF is not the only one who can deceive... Well, it turns out that my BF claims nothing else happened and now because something did happen with me - I have to regain his trust - but he is not forgiving to anyone by nature. He won't tell him how to regain his trust...
Most of the "abusive" behavior is his way of acting out - blowing off steam - he has a hot temper - and sometimes it actually sounds as if he wants to work things out - this has been going on for over 5 months. I don't sleep much since we are up almost all night several times a week discussing this over and over again. I want him to know that I want to try to work things out with him but if he is not willing to forgive then it will never work.
He wanted closure - he wanted me to call the other guy and tell him that he was a "mistake". I didn't want to make that call because the other guy is not in my life and I called him 5 months ago (in front of my bf) to tell him it was over and that we (me and my bf) were going to work things out. My bf wanted me to make another call to him and possibly set up a meeting with him (the three of us) - I didn't want to do either - I feel that would not be effective (my bf's temper would probably get out of hand and I don't want there to be a fight) - I made the phone call but because I didn't say the exact words "you were a mistake" - my bf felt that I was not aggressive enough. My bf said that would have been the first step in establishing trust in me again - I completely disagree. He is now mad at me again.
I am not sure how to play this out. I am not sure if he is going to leave (clear out our apartment when I am at work), if i should leave (i have a lot of bills that we generated together and I will be stuck with all of them) and also we have two cats that we would both want - - feeling lost and better at the same time.